Mixed Signals
by ChinoYaEejit
Summary: Mix the signals of an obsessive James, a Drag Queen, Pensive, Idiotic Sirius, A Remus who tries to keep him in line, his GF that wants Sirius dead, Prefect-y Lily, and the singing loony who loves them all and you'd get this fic...
1. How this mess all started

**Disclaimer- I don't own anything you recognize**

~November 12, 1975~

"Wormtail, would you hurry _up_?" 5th year Sirius Black called out to his round comrade.  

"I can't go if you guys keep rushing me!" Peter Pettigrew replied, sticking his head out of a bathroom stall.

Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and their two friends Remus and James had been eating breakfast in the Great Hall contently until Peter's runny scrambled eggs started to disagree with his stomach. Upon this discovery he immediately begged his friends to accompany him to the bathroom claiming he didn't want to arrive late to Transfiguration alone. James and Sirius quickly complied with him, grateful for any excuse to get the Transfiguration teacher, Professor McGonagall, in a tiff.  Remus being the prefect he is reluctantly followed determined not to let his friends be _too_ tardy. They all sat sprawled on the newly polished floor listening to Peter hum a cheery tune behind the stall door.  

"Peter," said Remus Lupin irritably sweeping his light brown hair out of his amber eyes, "There's only... 17 more minutes to get to class!" He finished checking his watch.

"Keep your shirt on Prefect boy; we'll be there in time for you to dust McGonagall's erasers!" Said Sirius with his pale blue eyes shining joviality.

"Now Padfoot, you can't tarnish Moony's perfect prefect record, no matter how _jealous _we are." Commented James with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

Remus's three friends snorted ruthlessly at James and Sirius's little wisecracks. After all, they were the Marauders and harassing prefects just happened to be one of their specialties.  Once Remus's fellow prefect Lily Evans had tried defending Remus from his friends by commenting that James and Sirius were merely jealous only resulting in their thunderous, mocking laughter and more teasing.

"Hardy har har... laugh it up." Remus said with a slight smile.  He knew his friends didn't really mean it and they were just teasing so it didn't really bother him. 

"Anyway, it's not that I wanted to get to class early, I just promised... someone I'd meet them in front of the library before class."  He finished avoiding his friends' eyes.

"Who, your sister?" Questioned Sirius suddenly looking very interested.

"Of course not." Said James looking at Remus slyly. "He was going to meet _Lysandra." _Finished James referring to Remus's girlfriend of three days.  He was pleased to see his werewolf friend blushing.

"_Ohhhh...." _Said Sirius also giving Remus sly looks.

Remus decided it was best to change the subject.  It was one thing for his buddies to tease him about being a prefect, but when they talked about his so- called love life things always got a bit awkward for him.  He checked his watch again, trying to shift his longish hair so it could hide the blush on his pale cheeks.

"Wormtail, really can't afford for McGonagall to catch us in trouble again.  Do you want her too add on to the three month long detention with Professor Chester? We might actually get stuck with Filch!"

"Oh yeah... I almost forgot about that." Said Sirius remembering the memory of McGonagall scolding them in her office for being caught sneaking back in the castle well after midnight. They had been wandering around Hogsmeade having the time of their lives only to find McGonagall guarding their secret passage upon their return.

James scoffed at his friend. 

"You probably can't remember what you had for breakfast and that was 10 minutes ago!" He sniffed the air around him and scrunched up his face in disgust.  "Peter, are you sure you only ate _eggs?_ You're making _my_ stomach turn! Sheesh!" 

"Sorry James..."  Peter said the embarrassment evident in his high pitched voice.

"We'll wait for you _outside." _Said Sirius getting up and walking towards the door.

"All right!" Said Remus to himself, trying to figure out how he would sneak to the library.

"Oh no you don't, wolf-boy you're staying with us." Snickered James grabbing the back of Remus's robes.

They all sat in front of the bathroom door waiting impatiently for Peter.  After a while Remus decided to strike up conversation yet again.

"So who do you think told on us? You know, about the secret passageway to Hogsmeade." 

"Who _always _tells on us?" Sirius snarled.

"Well..." Said Remus a little taken aback, "There's Filch, Mrs. Norris-don't ask me _how_-, Prefects, Evans, Jules..." Said Remus ticking each name off his finger as he went on.

"Think Slytherin." Said James stonily.

"Okay. Malfoy, One of Padfoot's annoying cousins, Padfoot's annoying brother..."

"Is it really _that_ hard?"

"It's _Snape!"_

"Oh.  Should've got that."

"Sheesh Moony, you need to stop hanging around Wormtail so much, you're acting more like him every day!"

_"I heard that Sirius!" _Bellowed Peter form inside the bathroom.

Sirius ignored Peter and paid more attention to an upcoming passerby.

"Well speak of the devil, old Snivellus himself!"

Remus and James turned to face to greasy haired Severus Snape standing before them apparently cursing himself for coming to the bathroom alone.

"Well look what the cat dragged in!" Said James joining Sirius on his feet. "We were _just_ talking about you."

Snape took a deep breath and tried not to lose face. 

"Would you pathetic imbeciles _move_ so I can go inside the restroom?  Not _everybody_ is dying for the chance to speak to the oh-so terrific _Marauders_." He said in an icy tone scowling at them. Sirius decided to ignore this comment.

"Where's your little boyfriends Snivelly? I usually can smell ol' Lucy and Bratty Randy all the way from a mile away."

"Oh don't worry," Said James. "They'll probably come swimming behind Sevvie in the trail of grease he left behind him on the way here." 

The two friends started cackling loudly at their own joke as Remus sighed and looked around nervously.  Snape's expression just showed more hatred.

"It's better they didn't come.  We wanted to teach you a _private_ lesson."

"That's right." Said Sirius reaching under his robes for his wand.  "You sang to McGonagall about our little outing so we were thinking of teaching you a jig to go along with it."

Snapes eyes got extremely round as he turned on his heel to go but it was too late.  Sirius and James both fired two very strong jelly leg curses at him.  Snape's legs were now wobbling all over the place uncontrollably.

"Here we go _again_..." Said Remus rolling his eyes.

"You have to loosen up first, Snapie!" Shouted Sirius over Snape's helpless whimpers and screams.

"Now you-a dance-a for us-a!" Said James imitating a bad Italian accent.  He and Sirius both shot off dancing hexes towards Snape's who was trying to dodge unsuccessfully.  Snape started dancing wildly while shouting threats and cries to the pair.

"Wait till I- you'll- I'll-" Sputtered Snape with rage while doing rapid knee-highs and clapping his hands.

Sirius and James ignored him entirely and continued laughing and mocking.

"Now I remember where I saw this dance before!" Exclaimed Sirius. "When we were at your place over Christmas break James, watching that muggle cartoon.  You know the one with the short kids with the big heads. The white and black dog that always had the little yellow bird following him danced _just _like this! On that kid's piano!"

"Ohhh... you mean _Snoopy_ from 'Charlie Brown'?" Both friends collapsed into laughter after that.  They rolled around on the floor clutching their stomachs and sputtering as Snape danced on.  

"Only 4 more minutes..." Remus said to no one in particular.

Peter came out the bathroom drying his hands and looked at the scene before him bewildered.

"I miss anything?"

"Well," Remus started "Sirius and James confronted Snape and attacked him-"

"He fully deserved it!" Declared James pausing from his laughter.

"Right. And now were not only going to be late for class, Lysandra will probably dump me for standing her up, _and_ I have the feeling someone is about to come around the corner..."

Just as Remus said that three girls ambled around the corridor corner.  The girl in front with her blazing emerald eyes set her eyes to the scene and immediately set off toward them, her fiery hair blowing behind her. This girl was obviously the prefect Lily Evans.  The second girl sighed and rolled her light gray eyes to the ceiling as she ran a frustrated hand through her flaxen hair and continued after her friend in attempt to restrain her.  The third girl, who shared many traits with Remus such as her straight, pointed nose, her small ears, and her amber eyes, went directly to Severus and released him from the curse.  Snape landed plop on the floor apparently too dazed or tired to do anything more than sprawl out on the tile.

"Potter, Black, what do you _think _you're doing?!" Lily shouted. Then she added, "Oh yeah, I forgot.  You two _DON'T_ think!"

The boys looked around nervously.

"And _you_." She pointed towards Remus. "_You-are-a-prefect!_ (AN-one of my favorite lines from OotP!) How dare you lollygag around here while your friends harass people when your badge is at stake? Have you nothing better to do?" Lily raged on.

"Like meet your _girlfriend_?" Suggested the blond girl beside Lily, wearing a very similar scowl only towards Remus.

"Err... H-Hi Lysandra..."

"Don't '_hi' _me! Lily I'm going to class with Sunny and Faye. See you later." She snarled as she stalked off.

"Honestly, Remmie don't you and your friends do anything _but_ pick on poor Severus? Look at him! Can't you see what pain you're causing him?" Exclaimed Remus's little sister Julia. Snape's blanched cheeks seem to enliven with shades of magenta as Julia showed so much pity towards him.

Remus turned to Peter. 

"Don't you think it's funny how every time those two start something _I'm_ the one who gets yelled at?"

"First of all," Started Sirius, "Stop yelling at Remus! It's not his fault we warped his fragile little mind! Second of all he tried to go to meet you Lynn but as I said before, we warped his fragile little mind! Third of all, Evans what the hell gives _you _the authority to- _Jules _don't touch that-that-_thing_!"  Shouted Sirius as Remus's little sister attempted to help a vibrantly blushing Snape dust himself off.

Throughout this whole conversation James just crouched in his position on the floor gaping at Lily with some kind of dreamy look in his eyes.  Peter noticed and nudged Remus.

"What's up with James?" He whispered motioning to his friend in his dreamlike stance.

_BBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!_  

"Oh great there's the bell! I hope you're happy Potter!" Said Lily huffily.

"I'm not." James said breaking out of his odd manner. "I won't be unless... you go on a date with me."

At that comment everyone stopped what they were doing to look at James as if he had lost it.  It was a strange sight to see when it was common knowledge to the whole school that Lily Evans and James Potter hated each other with a passion.  Lily looked alarmed and for a second it seemed she stopped breathing.  Then suddenly she swept her hand back in a fist and pounded it right into James left cheek.  Everybody gasped.

"_Never! I wouldn't go out with you even if you were the last guy on earth! Never speak to me again you disgusting pig!" _She exclaimed angrily as she blushed with fury.

She turned on her heel. 

"Come on Jules! I'll walk you to your class and explain to Professor Flitwick why you're late." She said without even stopping.

Julia stopped chiding Remus and walked briskly after her, leaving the four boys alone.

"Wow." Remus, Sirius, and Peter said together under their breaths.

James sat there nursing his cheek trying to smile.

"Where did _that_ come from?! You Hate Evans, remember?" Sirius reminded him.

"She's... wonderful!" James said getting to his feet and walking ahead to face McGonagall's wrath, humming lightly to himself despite the bruise forming on his face.

His three friends stayed behind and looked after their friend as if he had gone mad.

"He's lost it!" Cried Wormtail.

"No he hasn't, he _fancies_ Evans!" Said Remus

"That's even worse!" Whimpered Sirius.

"Oh, come on!" Remus said pulling up his two friends and setting off for class.

"How long do you think this will last? He could get hurt... again!" Asked Peter worriedly

"_If_ it lasts." Corrected Sirius.

"You guys know as well as I do that a girl can't hold James attention for more than...two weeks tops."

"What do we do until then?"

"We should just wait it out until James realizes how stupid he's being..."

~ 52 weeks, 3.5 seconds, and 353 "We should just wait it out until James realizes how stupid he's being... "'s later...~

"...and don't you guys just _love_ it when Evans pins her hair back in a bun?" James babbled on while walking on the grounds of Hogwarts heading to Herbology with his three best friends.

"Well, Mr. Prefect guess what?" Smiled Sirius turning to Remus.

"Her hair really does look great that way?"

They were used to James drone on and on about Lily ever since that fateful day in November.  Though Sirius was more than unhappy to realize Remus's prediction about James forgetting about Lily proved to be wrong.

"It's been exactly a year since that-that-"

"Evil scarlet temptress?" Peter suggested.

"Thank you Wormtail. Since that evil scarlet temptress Evans put some kind of freaky love spell on our buddy. By the looks of things I _don't_ think he'll be over it on two weeks. What about you?" Sirius said with false cheeriness oozing from his voice.

"Well...-"

"I don't know about you but I don't think the 'wait it out' plan was quite the way to go." Peter whispered.

"As I was saying, maybe if James actually went out with Evans just once he'd see that she obviously hates him." Sirius continued.

"But Padfoot, he's been _trying_ to get a date from her for a _year_ now! What makes you think she will now?" Remus voiced.

"As I said before we won't be using the 'wait it out' plan. We'll use the 'friends who cant keep their noses out of their freind's love lives' plan." Stated Sirius proudly.

"Just, super." Remus sighed as James ran ahead to the green house to greet Lily amongst her friends.

**AN- Read, Review, and be Merry! (Please!)**


	2. Herbology Notes Madness

**Disclaimer- I still don't own anything you recognize... oh yeah, and the songs "I Think I Love You" and "Rainy Days and Mondays" belong to David Cassidy and the Carpenters.  Just thought I'd ad that even though I only used an itty bitty snippet of each song...**

The four friends walked into Herbology class where most of the Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors were already getting out their equipment, dragon scale gloves, a pair of clippers, and a taser (hehehe...).  Sirius rushed to James who was picking out a plant, and whispered his 'plan' to set Lily up with him. James reaction was far from what Sirius and the others expected though.  He stopped dead in his tracks looking scandalized as if somebody (besides Lily) had slapped him.  

"You guys have _got _to be kidding me!" James Potter said staring at his friends in a skeptical way. 

"See, we should just wait till he deals with his _own _problem..."

"Oh shut up Moony!"

_"Boys!"_ Professor sprout shouted in a harsh whisper.  "The Mandelliers will attack if they are provoked by loud noises. _Please_ keep your voices down."  She chided. "Now what was I saying...? Oh yes, it would be best if you could stay _away_ from it's thorns as Madame Promfrey is out of ointment..." She continued the lesson.

Grumbling, Sirius retrieved him and Peter's dragon scale gloves from the supply cabinet and took his assigned seat at the table he shared with peter, behind James's. James sat his Mandellier down on his desk seemingly ignoring Sirius's pokes and other acts of getting his attention. 

"Stop bothering him, you're distracting me!"  Erin Meddows, the Hufflepuff sharing James's desk, reprimanded Sirius in a hushed voice. About everyone knew she was the lead loony in James's personal 'fan club'.  At the drop of a hat she would pounce on anyone who had assaulted _'her'_ precious James in any way.

"No good freaky stalker chick..." Sirius muttered plucking rotted leaves from his under grown Montpellier and shocking it with his taser out of his disgruntlement. He was frustrated and it felt good to insult anybody. 

_"Psst!"_ Peter hissed as his Mandellier snapped angrily at him barring its rows of thorny teeth. "I just got this from Patty who got it from Frank who snatched it from Ricky who threw it at Jesse who received it from Lysandra who says it's from Remus."  He whispered in one breath.

Sirius looked through the trail of people Peter mentioned to the front of the greenhouse to Remus's table he shared with his girlfriend Lysandra. He met eyes with Remus briefly before looking back down quickly. Remus's expression had just _screamed_ 'I told you so' which Sirius always hated. He quickly unfolded the note while Peter looked over his shoulder attempting to tie the Mandellier's mouth shut with its own vines. 

_Padfoot,_

_I told you so! _ 

-_Moony_

Sirius looked up and scowled at Remus who had already returned to shocking his moody plant. He scribbled rapidly on the paper.

_Honestly Moony is it written somewhere that you _have _to be a royal ass to me _all_ the time?!?!?! That evil temptress is having a bad influence on you. Besides... he didn't actually say he didn't want our help._

_-Padfoot_

Sirius shoved the note in Peter's hands before returning to his plant.  Peter smiled at the note and added.

_Moony,_

_Hi!_

_-Wormtail_

_P.S. Tell Lynn I think she looks especially wonderful today!_

Peter handed the note to Patty Walters at the table next to him who sent it back up to Remus. Remus held the note between himself and Lysandra so they both could read it. Lysandra finished reading first and began writing furiously on the parchment, and then allowed Remus to add his two cents. When the note reached backed to Peter Sirius snatched it up and unfolded it.

_Half-witted clueless twit of a man-whore or Black AKA Padfoot (For some strange reason),_

_First of all, my Remmie is not a royal ass! And if he is it was because of you and Potter!  And if you refer to me as that evil temptress again I will...send my specially trained owl to castrate you, robbing you of the LITTLE 'pride' you have! _

_-Lysandra _

_P.S. Thank you for the comment Peter but flattery will get you nowhere so I suggest you review chapter 17 in the potions book before the next class. Just because I'm your partner in potions doesn't mean I have to make it for you.  Good Day._

_Errrr... Best to listen to what she says Padfoot. Anyway I knew James wouldn't let anyone help him because that's just the way he is!  He wants to do everything by himself so he can brag about it afterwards!  Sorry to say but it's a lost cause. I Guess we'll have to listen to him swoon over Lily forever and ever and ever and ev- *_swervy scribble* _Ow! Lynn just hit my hand and told me to past it back to you already. _

_-Moony_

Sirius looked up at Peter puzzled.

"What the heck is castrate?" They both whispered in unison.

They both shrugged and Sirius replied.

_Moony,_

_Prongs can't be that big-headed as to not except help when it's OBVIOUS he needs it. I'll show you!_

_-Padfoot_

_P.S. Tell the stupid broad that she's well...stupid because I don't even know what "castrate" means! HA! -Padfoot_

_P.P.S. How did you know I wanted help with Potions? Wow. You should take Divination! -Wormtail_

As Peter sent off the note Sirius got out another piece of parchment, wrote something down quickly, and threw it at the back of James's head receiving murderous scowls from Erin. James sighed and smoothed out the not and read.

_Prongs,_

_Hey greatest most super buddy in the whole entire world! Alright I'll cut the crap, but why don't you want our help?! We only want to make you stop whining- I mean make you happy. The bottom line is you being lovesick make us sick!_

_-Padfoot_

James glanced behind him to where Sirius was smiling and waving a piece of parchment in the air that had a picture of a paw print, an equal sign, and a heart. 

"Mr. Black!" hissed Professor Sprout, "Pay attention to your plant!" She whispered motioning frantically at his Mandellier. It seemed to be devourering Peter's!

James turned back around and wrote something swiftly and passed it behind him once Sirius and Peter had separated their plants.

_Padfoot, Moony, and Wormtail_

_I'm not lovesick! I don't need to get lovesick, for I am Sir Prongs Sex Goddess of Hogwarts! Hahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Do you know how many girls would sell their left arm to go with me? Evans probably is just shy of making an ass of herself in front of me... just look at her...shifting all cute and nervous in her chair as if she knows I'm thinking about her...brushing her hair back...just the way I like... Anyway, glad you guys care though!_

_-Sir Prongs Sex Goddess of Hogwarts_

James placed to note neatly on Sirius's table and gave him the cheesiest grin ever.  Sirius skimmed through the letter and his head snapped up again at James.  James just ruffled his hair, making random girls around them sigh, as if to prove his point. Sirius rolled his eyes and sent the note up to Remus. The parchment circled around the class several times before it finally returned to Sirius covered.

_Moony how do you do that? It's like your some kind of infamous know-it-all! You and Lynn should _both_ take divination!_

_-Wormtail_

_Nobody likes a kiss-ass Wormtail. See how desperate he is Moony? He's gone delusional! He doesn't even remember _I'm_ the almighty sex goddess of Hogwarts! Look at that face... we have to help him.  He was even babbling in the note! Can we really live with that until...until... Prongs dies?!_

_-Padfoot_

_Why do you want to torment my poor friend even more? What has she ever done to you?_

_-Sunny Floyd_

_NO DETOURS! Get out of my note Sunny! Pass it the other way Peter!_

_-Padfoot who is pissed off by the shameless audacity of _certain_ peoples..._

_Sonny's right! Can't you see what an ass spelunker you're little Prongs is by what he just wrote? He's a conceited big-headed freak who's obsessed with his hair! I wouldn't wish him on my worst enemy! Leave my friend alone! _

_-Faye Denwall_

_She's right. Potter has enough girls already. Save some for the rest of us!_

_-Glen Harding_

_Exactly my point, Glen my man. You could manage to spare some chicks too, Black. And tell your quiet friend he's had Lysandra Rivers long enough now and to stop being greedy!_

_-Sean McCourt_

_P.S. Hufflepuff Rulez!!!_

_James is so hot! You're not so bad yourself Siri. He doesn't need some know it all skank like Evans...And even though he's a moron I think Sean's right! Lysandra should stop hanging around Remus so much, he's such a cutey!_

_-Patty Fryer_

_Oh I know! What has it been a year now since they got together??? _

_-Diane Keat_

_Hi again, Please don't tell my girlfriend I wrote that! She'd _kill_ me!_

_-Sean McCourt_

_P.S. Hufflepuff still rulez!!! Whoo!_

_What the hell are you people doing in my note?!?! This is a private conversation! NO EAVESDROPERS! And Faye, Sunny, or any random person who just so happens to hang around Evans keep your mouth shut! I want no more eavesdroppers, you hear? In fact, Peter go hand this to Remus personally!_

_-One EXTREEMELY pissed of Sex Goddess of Hogwarts by the name of Padfoot._

_Padfoot,_

_I told you so. James is James and we can't change that for any girl! By the way, none of you can be the sex GODESS of Hogwarts because you're not GIRLS..._

_-Moony_

_P.S.  **Castrate- To remove the testicles of (a male); geld or emasculate. **(In case you and Peter were still wondering)****_

****

_Remember he called me a broad, Remmie! And don't you even care that those guys were hitting on me????_

_-Your Darling Lynn_

_P.P.S. Stop picking fights with Lynn, Padfoot, she did nothing to you...yet. And to Sean, Glen, and any other random guy who eavesdropped on our note: Ha ha ha-ha ha! Whoo! Score one for Remus!_

_He picked on Sunny and Faye too you know..._

_-Your ever loving Lynn_

_P.P.P.S. Sheesh Padfoot! You're already out to set James (who they HATE, Padfoot) out on Lily (who they are CONSTANTLY around, Padfoot) isn't that enough?_

_-Moony_

_Hey I think I love you...But what am I so afraid of? Afraid that I'm not sure, of a love there is no cure for..._

_-Kevin Gregory_

_I'll just IGNORE that Kevin. Stop sticking up for you girlfriend Remus! Can't you see she has you whipped, man?! James is my best friend! I'm going to do what makes him happy! Even if it means...making Evans _see_ he's a decent person..._

_-Padfoot_

_P.S. What sicko would teach an owl to do _that_?!_

_*Gasp*_

_-Wormtail_

_You mean you'll do what makes him stop obsessing which makes you happy. And just how, pray tell, do you plan to do that? _

_-Moony_

_Oh I gotta here this._

_-Lysandra (who is my Darling Lynn -Moony)_

_P.S. You're so sweet Remmie!_

_Hangin' around, Nothing to do but frown, Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down..._

_-Kevin Gregory_

_Dammit Kevin! Knock it off! Anyway, Moony you have to tell me are you in or are you out before I tell you my plan.  Think about it. Do you rather me try one of my dimwitted schemes with only me an Peter, me being the brains of the outfit, and scarring someone for life, _or_ would you rather us do it with you to tell us 'I told ya so' and supervise us???_

_-Padfoot_

_P.S. Lysandra Rivers if you think for one minute you're getting in the plan you're mad! And no more sweet talking each other in this note!_

_P.P.S. What do you do if this stupid plant starts sizzling and smelling like bacon?_

_When you put it that way...Fine.  What's the plan?_

_-Moony_

_P.S. Stop shocking it, the taser isn't a toy! I smell your Mandellier all the way up here!_

_I knew you'd see things my way! I'll tell you at lunch, okay? Too many witnesses here. *cough*Lysandra*cough*_

_-Padfoot_

_Okay_

_-Moony_

_I can read between the 'coughs' dumbass._

_-Lysandra_

"Aw man..." said Sirius finishing the letter. 

"Now all you need to do is get a plan." said Peter poking Sirius's lifeless Mandellier.

"Oh yes..." he started, glancing over at Lily who was oblivious to everything going on."A plan..."

**AN- Whoo! Finished with this chapter. Review to find out what Sirius's "genius" plan will be... **__

_-_


	3. Potions and Plans

**Disclaimer- I own nothing you recognize, M'kay?**

**Caution, this fic contains content that includes thongs, fat lecherous teahers, and the mention of cheesy B-movies and should not be viewed by _anyone_......wearing white laces in their shoes.**

The four friends descended from herbology a little late that day. Prof. Sprout had _insisted_ they get rid of 'the bacon smell' that Sirius's dead Mandellier had left behind. 

"So Sirius, do you _now_ realize my awesome goddess-like sex powers over women?"  James said rather pleased with himself over nothing in particular.

"Yeah James, we _all_ saw the way Professor Sprout was eyeing your bum when you bent over to throw away those burnt leaves." Padfoot said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice to his cocky friend.

Remus and Peter snickered while James seemed to take his comment sincerely.

"It's a shame we have to go to potions then.  There's only a bunch of slutty Slytherins and a 400 pound pervert for James to _woo." _Remus muttered in his smart-alecky way.

"Nonsense, Remmie! There are plenty of plentiful women there!  There's Samantha, Diana, Jesse..."James started naming a whole list.

When he got into this mode his friends usually ignored him.  

"Isn't today Thursday?" Peter said yawning and slowing his step.

"Nora, Kacy..." James continued.

"Yeah, why?" Remus said also playing the 'ignore the James' game.

"Ooh, Kelly is _one _of the decent Slytherins..."

"Egg salad sandwiches at lunch today!"

"Pete, when will you figure out that eggs just _aren't _your thing?" Questioned Sirius referring to that _fateful_ November day the previous year.  

"Last but not least, _Evans_," finished James sighing dreamily, "and of course Moony's girlfriend..."

"_What?!" _Remus exclaimed stopping in his tracks.

Halfway on the way down to potions Peter noticed a group of giggling Hufflepuff girls following in a close-knit group behind them.

"Hey...why are the Hufflepuffs following us? You said today was Thursday Padfoot! If it were they would be heading to McGonagall!" said Peter hastily worrying at the doubt of him getting an egg salad sandwich and ruining his stomach once again. "You've said it was Thursday for three days straight Padfoot! Where do the lies end?!" Peter demanded once again getting frantic.

Padfoot pried him off of his body and slapped him mercilessly. 

"Get a _hold _of yourself man! You see what the eggs have done to you?" 

"I-I-I'm okay..." Peter stuttered looking dazed.

"Prongsie, could you get rid of your fan club? There freaking out Peter."

"Why of course." James said. "Watch me in action guys."  He whispered as he turned around facing the girls. He flicked his hair to the side and ran his lanky fingers through his hair yet again. 

"_I call this charming grin #3." _He whispered back o his friends.

James put on his very suggestive grin exposing his 'charming' teeth.  

"Now girls..."

There was a general misty sigh among the crowd. 

"How do you expect me to become Head Boy if you keep doing this?  Dumbledore's sure to find out I'm keeping you ladies from making it to class sooner or later..."

Another sigh sounded and the leader of the James Potter stalker/fan club, Erin Meddows stepped from amongst the crowd.

"We wouldn't keep you from your dreams Jamie..." She said putting on her slutty/trademark smile.

"Yes, I yearn for my given title of _Head _Boy." James said emphasizing 'head' and giving it _another _meaning, causing an uproar of annoying high pitched giggles in the hallway as they scampered away whispering to each other frantically.

"Ewww... I didn't need to hear that." Remus said in disgust.

"You only heard it. Me and my overactive imagination are _picturing _it." Sirius groaned. 

It took a while for Peter to register what they were talking about. Once he did his eyebrows shot up nearly disappearing in his pale hair.

"_Ewwww!_ You mean- ugh!"

"You're not the only one imagining it Padfoot," James said proudly "Did you see the looks on their faces?  Honestly I bring _so _much joy to the world." he finished obviously pleased with himself.

"Padfoot, honestly, if his head got any bigger, I think it would burst!"

"Maybe we could help it along the way..."

"Got a safety pin?"

They finally reached the potions dungeons. The door was locked as it was every class period until the Potions Professor came stumbling out of the men's room with a lecherous grin on his face. They joined the group of slytherins and Gryfindors forming a line outside the door and James started looking eagerly around.

"You won't see Evans here yet James. I saw them go into the bathroom." Remus said smiling pleasantly.

"How do you know I was looking for her?" James said looking slightly embarrassed for probably the second time this year.

"It's obvious..."

James reduced his search to an occasional glance over his shoulder ever so often until he saw something. By this something wasn't Lily.

"_Remus!"_ James hissed, "Look!" James said unbelieving.  He pointed off to the other side of the hall where Snape was blushing madly and chatting lowly in a seemingly _pleasant _conversation with...Remus's little sister.  

"_No."_ Sirius said feeling more scandalized than Remus. It was pure knowledge to everyone that Sirius had a big _thing _Julia.

"Come on, there conversation looks harmless enough..." said Remus wanting to avoid confrontation outside of potions class, which everyone knew was Slytherin territory.

"Harmless?! Look at the way they're blushing! He's _obviously _saying thing that are...lewd and...Risqué." He whispered the last part in a dangerous tone.

"Risqué?" Peter questioned.

"McGonagall called me that once when she found this note I wrote to a fourth year." Sirius explained.

"Eww..."

"The point is you never know what Snivellus will dare to do next. He might just... claim her as some sex slave or burst in the Gryffindor common room and start ordering you around! You want _that? Huh?"_ James said pounding his finger in Remus's chest with every word.

"...No..."Remus muttered slapping his finger away.

"Then let's get over there!" Sirius said dragging Remus by the arm behind him.

After they left Peter started reviewing his potions booklet as James peered down the hall.

"There they are!" James exclaimed happily.

"Err... who?" Said Peter not glancing up from his book.

"Who do you think? Quick give me the book! Get out my snitch! I'll impress her _today..."_

Meanwhile Sirius and Remus surrounded Snape on both sides so there was no way of escape.

"Oh great." Julia said sarcastically

"I-I was j-j-just..." stuttered Snape as he looked around frantically.

"Aha! He's nervous! Sure sign of _guiltiness_!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Remmie, what is your idiot friend babbling about now?" Julia sighed bored.

"Don't 'idiot friend' me! What are you doing talking to this-this-this..._this?!" _Remus said frantically pointing at Severus.

"He was talking about making you his sex slave or some other cruel and unusual punishment wasn't he?"  Sirius accused.

"I wasn't _doing _anything, Black!" Snape said getting his usual attitude back.

"Oh yeah? Then why were you blushing so much? Huh? Huh? _Huh?!_" Sirius said repeating James notion and stabbing Severus in the chest with his finger repeatedly.

"Knock it off!" Severus snarled.

He kept harassing Snape while Remus just looked on and turned to his sister.

"So, what _were _you talking about?" he questioned sternly.

"Even though this is _none of your business_ I was simply asking Sevvie-"

"Please don't call him that."

"I call you Remmie."

"That's different; I'm not a slimy Slytherin waiting for the perfect moment to pounce on you."

"...You've been hanging around _Siri_ too much."

Their conversation was interrupted however when Sirius's and Snape's conversation got _a little_ out of control.

"...Really none of your business anyway Black!" Severus growled.

"Snivellus, she will _always _be my business!" Sirius raged back.

"...Oh yeah?"  
  


"Yeah!" 

"Oh _yeah?"_

"_Yeah!_" 

"Oh no..." Faye sighed to her friends as they walked down the corridor towards potions.

"Oh what _now_?" Lynn questioned as she looked to where Faye was pointing.

"The morons seem to be at it _again_." Sunny sighed rolling her eyes.

"_Which_ morons?" Lily enquired with her eyebrows beginning to crease.

"Well, first you got your little maniac stalker trying to take someone's eye out with that snitch..." Lynn said motioning to James who was indeed chasing blindly after a speeding snitch in a crowded hallway with his nose stuck in a thick potions book, taking quick glances to see if Lily was looking.

"And here you have the idiot man-whore and his daily Snape bashing ritual." Lynn finished pointing to where Sirius was shaking Snape like a helpless rag doll while Remus was shaking his head next to Julia who was screeching and beating Sirius on the back of his head with a Transfiguration book.

Lily sighed and set off to bring peace... yet again.

"Wait Lils," Lynn started.

Lily paused and spun around to face her friends.

"Maybe you should let Jules get at Sirius a _little _bit longer. You know, until we see some blood." 

"I'm getting _too _old for this." Remus muttered. He watched on as Sirius continued to thrash Snape about while his poor sister thrashed _him. _He decided to take action then.  He removed his thickest school book from the sack he was carrying and walked over to Jules...

"Is she watching Wormtail?" James hissed while making a quick swipe at the snitch that had just grazed Kevin Gregory's cheek.

"Err...does scowling count?" Peter muttered.

James seemed to ignore this.

"_Now _she'll see that I have athletics, beauty _and _brains." He whispered holding up the book.

"Jules stop!" Remus shouted.

"Why should I? He's hurting him." 

"Padfoot has a head like a _rock_. To get his attention you have to knock him _hard_, like _this!" _He demonstrated smacking Sirius square on the back of his head. As a result he immediately sent Snape sliding down the hall and turned to face Remus.  
  


"...Ow! What'd you do that for Moony? We were _just _talking!?"

"_Ooh!_ Remus, why can't you and your evil friends just leave me and Severus _alone!?_" Julia shouted at a now hurt Remus. Being the sensitive  person he was he _hated _when his sister was mad at him, very unlike Sirius who wouldn't give a rat's ass if his brother Randolphus Black shouted at the top of his lungs that he wanted to chop him up in his sleep and then feed him to homeless dogs. 

Severus's head slammed into the closed Potions door and he quickly stumbled to his feet. All the Gryffindors and even some of the Slytherins were laughing gallantly at him. But James Potter was so involved in his attempt to impress Lily he didn't even notice where he was flailing after the snitch and sipped in a slimy trail of grease that Snape had left behind on his 'trip' down the hallway.

"Okay..._now _you can go Lils." Faye said seeing that Lynn was now satisfied with Sirius's injury.

"Yes, go fulfill your prefect duties." Sunny said airily fanning Lily off.

"Gee, thanks for the permission guys." Lily said sarcastically walking off over to /James who was still on his back looking at the ceiling apparently in shock.  

Sunny, Lynn, and Faye followed Lily as she went towards James. Lily stood over him and looked down. James looked up and grinned widely as he crossed his legs.

"Hey Evans." He tried to say coolly.

Peter and Sirius ran to James's side just in case they were going to pounce on him. Remus followed the suit but his sleeve was seized by his fifth roommate Kevin Gregory.  Kevin was an odd guy by all means as he was always cheerful and almost never spoke but sung. It was easy for Remus to communicate with him all the same though.

_"Hey Jude,"_ Kevin started.

"Err... hi Kevin."

_"Don't make it bad, take a sad song," _He pointed over to where Julia was storming off in a fury, "_and make it better," _he motioned for Remus to smile, "_Remember, to let him into your heart," _he then pointed to Severus who had resumed scowling at the world, "_Then you can start to make it better."_ He finished.

Sirius just looked at Kevin, Remus, and back at Kevin, obviously not understanding what the hell Kevin just said. Remus sighed.

"I guess you're right. I _should _at least _try _to understand Jules and her freaky obsession with Snape. That _would _make things better between us... thanks Kev." Remus walked off and joined Peter who was watching while James tried unsuccessfully to sweet talk Lily on his back. Sirius stayed back and stared at Kevin.

"What-how-you...? How the hell did Remus get all of _that _out of...oh never _mind_..." He sputtered stalking off.  It always confused Sirius that _everyone _except him seems to understand Kevin's random spurting of music and the fact that _nobody_ except him found it weird.

"Potter, get _up._ Don't you know you could've taken an eye out with that _thing_?" Lily said pointing at the snitch that was buzzing merrily around her head. "Now catch this blasted thing before I report you to McGonagall for practicing sports inside the building!"

"I'll get up, but I have one question." James reasoned.

"No I _won't_ go on a date with you!" Lily growled through clenched teeth.

"Not that," James said pushing his head farther towards Lily's feet and peering under Lily's skirt which was only half covered by her opened robe. "My question is do you wear a thong _every _day?" James said with a mirthful grin on his face.

Lily screeched and backed away from James in a full blush.

"_Why...you..."_ She growled unable to get full sentences out.

"Don't get me wrong," James said still on the floor waving his hands frantically at Lily. "I enjoy the breeze while wearing the occasional thong too...well mine's a man thong in a way and mine isn't _pink..._but it's a thong all the same!  See? Were alike, you and me." James smiled, pleased with himself on finding common ground with Lily.

Lily thrashed out to attack James only to find herself being restrained by Remus and Sirius. Peter just cowered in a corner somewhere. 

"Now Lily...try to come down Prongsie hear doesn't mean it, he was just joking..."Sirius laughed while trying with much difficulty to restrain a very lively Miss Evans.

"Yeah Lil," Remus started, "We all know your not wearing a thong..."

"If you guys don believe me take a gander up there yourself!" James said now in hysterics on the ground.

"Hurry Professor Chester! Someone may get hurt." Peter said quietly referring to the giant blob that was taking his time waddling down the hall to his classroom.

"_Evans! _Remember you're a prefect! You're always telling me that, look at yourself! Trying to attack the house idiot, when you _know _he knows no better! Shame on _you._" Remus said turning her loose and shaking a disapproving finger at her.

"House idiot?" James questioned.

"I guess you're right Remus...I'll try to control myself...no matter how much of an ass potter is..." Lily muttered to herself.

"Good." Remus said undoubtedly pleased with himself.

"That's right Lils _you _control yourself. _I'll _get him for you!" Lynn said cheerily.

"What do you- _OW!_ You evil _whore!_" James screeched clutching his crotch where Lynn had just laid the assaulting blow with her foot.

James laid in a heap on the floor and whimpered swear words under his breath.

"This way everyone's happy." Sunny said clapping Lily and Lynn on the backs.

Peter, Sirius, and Remus looked on at their agonizing friend.

"Wow...first the castrating owl thing and now _this_." Peter said pointing at James, writhing in pain on the floor. 

"Is it just me or does Moony's girlfriend have a deadly obsession with the harming of balls?" Sirius said in wonderment.

"You don't know the _half_ of it." Remus whispered.

Professor Chester finally came to the door looking at the scene in front of him.  Professor Chester was a terribly obese and perverted man who's sole purpose to teach potions was to stare at the girls and harass the 'pretty boys' as he called them. Remus had a theory that Chester had been a rather... homely adolescent which caused him to hold a grudge against decent looking boys now (_"That explains why he loves Snape so much..."-Padfoot_)  Professor Chester would sit at his desk for half of the period staring at girls with his beady eyes and  drool falling down his many chins. The rest of the period he would walk around poking fun at the decent looking boys of the class and hand out random points to most girls who grinned at him. Yet even though he was a lecherous slob, the man _knew_ his potions.

He stroked his balding red head and looked down at James.

"Who here gave the pretty boy a knock in the groin?" He questioned licking the built up spit from the creases of his mouth.

"She did." Remus said slowly pointing at Lynn.

"Ooh...Lysandra Rivers just earned Gryffindor 5 points!" He said stepping over James to let the class in.

"_What?!_" James screeched as Sirius helped him to his feet.

"Ah, get over it Mickey blue eyes!"

"My eyes are hazel and my name is James you fat...jerk." James whispered under his breath.

"You better be quiet..." He whispered down in James face splattering spit over him, "Potter."

Sirius, Remus, and Peter steered James into the class before he could retaliate. Remus read the instructions and a lecture on shrinking potions were already printed on the board. Chester usually wrote everything worth saying on the board before class so he could have more time behind his desk to watch the class's movements.

"'Break_ into groups of three and get started on the shrinking potions.  Have enough sense to read my lecture first though...' _"

"Pretty boys 1 and 2," he said referring to Sirius and Remus, "Mickey Blue Eyes," he said grinning snidely at James who just scowled in return, "and...Pettigrew split up." He finished and took a seat to begin scoping out various females.

James immediately flocked to Lily who was already paired up with a shaggy looking Gryffindor named Tad, much to Lily's demise. Peter grouped with two intimidating looking Slytherins, Snape and Victor Avery, who were seated in the back. Sirius disregarded Chester's order and made a grab for Remus's arm which was already being pulled in one direction by Lynn.

"Oh _super_." Muttered Sirius

"Moony, tell your girlfriend to stop cutting the newt tail so small." Sirius whispered.

Remus rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Lynn stop cutting th-"

"Remmie, tell your friend that Professor Chester specifically wrote that the tail should be sliced this size."

"Sirius Prof-"

"Hey! Quit yapping Pretty Boy #2." Professor Chester said scowling towards him and then returned to criticizing Pretty boy #7's (A Slytherin named Daniel Williams) potion.

Remus gave both Sirius and Lynn a warning glare and then resumed his work. After a few minutes, Sirius tried to strike up conversation again.

"Hey, Remus aren't you even curious as to what my-"

_"No."_

"You didn't let me finish!"

"Five points from Gryffindor because pretty boys one and two can't keep their mouths close." Professor Chester said before resuming trying to convince a table of Slytherin girls to take off their cloaks.

"As I was saying...don't you wanna know about my plan?" Sirius questioned eagerly.  Sirius couldn't keep a secret if his life depended on it so Remus knew what pain it was causing him to keep his plan to himself until lunch time.

"What plan Sirius?" Remus said motioning at Lynn so Sirius would get the point.

"You know-"

"Make that ten points!" Professor Chester bellowed.

"The one with James?" Sirius continued unfazed by Professor Chester.

"You know we decided to give up. James didn't want our help remember?" Remus said nodding his head urgently towards Lynn trying to tell Sirius not to blab in front of her.

Meanwhile at Lily, James, and Tad's table James was trying to show off his extensive knowledge at potions.

"Hey Chad, pass me that asphodel will ya?" James said deftly chopping the newt tail.

"My name's _Tad_." Tad muttered handing him the plant.

"Yeah whatever." James said looking up to see if Lily was watching him.

"Potter we _all_ have to work on the potion or we don't get credit. Hand _me _the asphodel." Lily voiced sternly.

"Evans, you _know _Chester would never deny you of your credit so the only one who should be complaining about my...bodacious potion skills is Brad here."

"My name's _Tad."_ Tad said groggily before putting his head back on the desk.

"Yeah whatever."

"Is bodacious even a word?"

"Doesn't matter." James said returning his attention to the potion.

Lily sighed loudly and slumped in her chair. She looked over to Tad who was attempting to retrieve the powdered snake fang from the top shelf of the cabinet.  Lily went over to prevent the other potion ingredients from falling on him. 

"Watch out Tad." She whispered shoving the contents of the top shelf back into its place.

"Thanks Lil." He muttered sheepishly and blushed. James had stopped stirring the potion and was watching them across the room with a hurt look on his face.

The large sack of powdered snake fangs toppled over and fell into Tad's shaggy strawberry blonde hair covering it completely in the dusty white powder.  Lily giggled as Tad attempted to shake his hair free of the mess like a dog would, and she dusted some from his cheeks. 

_'Stupid Cad or whatever his name is... that should be **me**_...' James thought to himself. _'I'll get back at him...'_ He resumed stirring the potion angrily.

After being chewed out by Professor Chester, Lily and Tad returned to the table with a small portion of powdered snake fang.

"Good, Shad-"

"_Tad_." Lily corrected James.

"Whatever." James muttered through clenched teeth. "Pour the powdered snake fang in the potion." 

"What? I thought you were going to do the potion yourself..."Tad said looking suspiciously between James and the potion.

"But you're my _partner._ Now get over here and pour the crap in."

"Well... okay..." Tad got next to James to pour in the powder. All very swiftly James had tipped over the bubbling cauldron into Tad's lap and he began to shrink at such a fast rate.

"Oh I'm so _sorry **Tad**!_" James shouted, not looking a bit sorry.

"Potter, what is wrong with you?"

Tad who had shrunken to the size of an ant appeared to be jumping up and down making little chattering noises. Lily lifted him on her finger and placed him on the table.

"Mickey Blue Eyes what did you do _now_?" Professor Chester waddled over to them disgruntled. 

James smirked mirthfully.

"It was an _accident._"

As the bell rang for lunch everybody bustled out of the room glad to be away from the musty fumes of potions.  Everybody except James that is.  Professor Chester had demanded he stay behind and scrub cauldrons for the whole lunch period.  Sirius didn't mind it in the least though.  This would be perfect so James couldn't find out about his plan.

"Remus, Remus, _Remus_! Come on let me tell you how I got the idea for it!" Sirius bounced around Remus in the great hall.

"Yeah Moony, Sirius is gonna tell us now. Pay attention." Peter said spraying Remus with bits of his egg salad sandwich as he spoke.

Remus wiped his face in disgust. "Fine. But remember I'm only here to keep you from doing something stupid."

"Whatever. Okay..." Sirius's voice got really low. "You guys remember that movie we saw over James's house this summer?"

"No, no, _no_. We are _not _doing something you saw in a movie!" Remus said sternly.

"It's not like that Remus, it was a good movie!" Said Sirius defending himself.

"Oh really?" Remus said sarcastically.

"Yes! That movie with the guy-"

"You mean that musical with the transvestite that created a man to fulfill his..._pleasures_?" Peter questioned enthusiastically.

Remus and Sirius just looked at Peter as if he'd lost your mind.

_"No!"_ Sirius said. "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted... I saw this cheesy muggle romance movie where this guy was a real asshole-"

"There's a good start." Remus said quietly.

"A real asshole that always got his way that was in love with this real groovy chick that hated him..."

"What's the name of this movie?"

"I dunno, some crappy B-movie... anyway the asshole kept talking and going on about this girl so his friends sent him to a psychiatrist and then he told him to write down how he feels so he does and his stupid fat roommate-" "That can be you Peter." "He accidentally sends the letter to the girl and then she reads them and she falls _madly in love _with the person and through a series of comedic events she finally finds out the guys not such an asshole and in the end they all end up owning a disco/ranch in Texas." Sirius said in one breath. "Why do all B-movies end that way?" Remus wondered to himself. "So you're saying we should send James to a psychiatrist?" Peter suggested. 

"_No_. He's saying we should get a disco/ranch in Texas." Remus said sarcastically.

"I'm saying we should write a romantic love letter to Lily and say it's from a _secret admirer_ and when she ends up falling madly in love with him we can tell her it James and she'll be like '_I'm just soooo happy! I knew really really, really deep down he was a good guy!' _"Sirius said in a high girlish voice.

"That's a great idea! I could have _never_ thought of that!" Peter exclaimed.

"What did I tell you about being a kiss-ass Peter?" 

"Sorry, Padfoot."

"Wait, wait, wait...who are we gonna get to write these _romantic love letters_?" Remus questioned grinning.

"Who do you think?" Sirius questioned with a grin. "_Me _of course."

**AN- Thanx for all the reviews guys! They really motivated me to get off my lazy bum and keep writing... Keep the reviews coming and you should expect the next chapter _really _soon. Oh yeah... the song _Hey Jude _belongs to the Beatles. **

****

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	4. Picnic with Prongs and Remus is cheating

**Disclaimer- I own nothing...honestly though, does _anyone _who could actually sue me for writing about Harry Potter read this?**

Sirius Black paced back and forth around his five bed dormitory checking his wristwatch every five or so seconds. His last class of the day, Transfiguration, had just ended and he had already sent Peter, James, and Remus off to dinner. Of course Peter and Remus found it suspicious when Sirius the infamous glutton _claimed_ he wasn't hungry. Sirius, oblivious to James standing right next to them, just gave Remus a look that said _'trust me.'_  

His first few minutes alone Sirius had tried a flock of attempts to start a love letter to Lily similar to the one that was written in his ridiculous B-movie, but that led to nothing except a wastebasket full of parchments that had cheesy one liners on them like _'Hey baby, you've got a nice set of legs and I was just wondering what time they open...' _or _'You look like a long cool drink and guess what? I'm thirsty!'_  

"Ugh! If I wanted trash like that I could've asked James to write this _himself..." _he had muttered to himself grudgingly.  That's when he decided to call in some experts on romance and other kinds of mushy stuff girls would love. 

This meant he had the choices of A_: Crawling back to Remus whining about he was wrong after all and saying he couldn't write the letter without help _("Ha! Like _I,_ the Great and Noble Padfootcould _ever_ be wrong!")_, B: Consulting Kevin Gregory, who always seem to be sprouting some kind of-_("Stop right there, I am _not_ consulting that weirdo!")_, or C: Getting a 'sensitivity lesson' from very willing fourth year girls._ ("Bingo!") Needless to say, Sirius chose plan C.

Suddenly there was a sharp rap on the door and a swarm of giggling and squealing. Sirius closed his eyes tight and braced himself before opening the door.

"Remember," he whispered to himself, "It's for _Prongs._"

"You guys, give it up. What are you planning?" James said to his two remaining friends while constructing a snitch in his mashed potatoes.

Peter's head shot up and Remus looked mildly alarmed.

"Err... what are you talking about?" Remus squeaked out hastily loosening the neckline of his sweater.

"Yeah, Padfoot's not writing _anything_-" Peter started before Remus jabbed him in the back with his fork.

"Eat your _beans_ Wormtail!" Remus warned.

"You guys can't fool me! Your planning my birthday prank _aren't_ you?" James exclaimed cheerily. 

The Marauders had a tradition that on every one of thiers birthday the other three would surprise him by pulling off a more hilarious than the average prank. Three months ago, when it was Padfoot's birthday, James, Remus, and Peter had put a potion in the Slytherin's food that had caused them to go in 'hippy mode' (as James called it) during breakfast. They had been stuck wearing tie dye, singing about love and piece, and babbling about the evils of _"The Man" _for days. McGonagall had only forced them to end the spell when Snape led a streaking rally during the Quidditch game.  Sirius had promised to out do James this year.

"Err... yeah your _birthday, _isn't that right Peter?" Remus said nudging Peter rapidly.

"Birthday?"

"Yes, _birthday._"

"I knew it!" James exclaimed, getting up to go. "Oh yeah, by the way," he whispered into Remus's ear. "Anything and I mean _anything_ concerning Evans is _gold_..." James finished, winking as he walked out of the Great Hall claiming he was going to get some fresh air.

"Man, Prongs must have _some _imagination if he thinks..." Remus mumbled and trailed off.

"You know, I would like to see that too, the cake thing..." Peter voiced aloud.

"...I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear tha-_Aah!_" Remus exclaimed in surprise as an owl fluttered on his head.

"Remus, that's _Lynn's_ owl!" Peter hissed.

"Well will you help me pry it off of my _head_?" Remus said reaching up to the owl only to draw his hands back quickly from the snapping owl.

"Uh uh." Peter said shaking his head fiercely and shielding his crotch with his hands.

"Oh _great," _Remus said to himself, "I've got a psycho, castrating owl stuck to my head now... just _great..."_

"I err... think it likes you Moony." said Peter trying to lighten the situation.

"It's ripping out my hair!"

"That's it way of...hugging you?" Peter suggested returning to his beans and grilled chicken.

The owl cooed merrily.

"Oh, will you at least give me my letter?" Remus pleaded.

The owl dropped a rolled up piece of parchment in Remus's salad.

"Gee whiz,_ thanks._" Remus said scathingly to the fowl, which just fastened its claws in his hair again. Remus unrolled the parchment slowly fearing any swift movement would set off the owl.

_Dear Remmie,_

_Sorry I couldn't meet you for dinner in the kitchens like I promised, but I'll make it up to you when we go to Hogsmeade on Saturday, kay? Great, I'll see you at detention tonight._

_Love,_

_Your Sweet Dearest Lynn_

"Detention?" Peter questioned, "What has _Lynn_ done to get detention?"

"You mean what Peatree has done," Remus said pointing to the squatting owl on his head. "Last year, it seems Peatree had gotten into a tiff with Filch's cat, Mr. Norris-"

"You mean _Mrs._ Norris, right?" Peter said meekly.

"Well, it's a _Mrs. _Norris now in a way..." Remus trailed off.

"You mean it-"

"Yup. I guess Peatree wanted to try out her new _skill_." Remus said solemnly.

Peter made a strange yelping noise and shielded his crotch from Peatree yet again.

"Long story short, Filch saw them squabbling and trailed Peatree back to Lynn and gave her- dig this, a _year _worth of detentions. This must be her time with Chester because she'll be with us tonight..."

"_Ooh_...Padfoot won't like that..."

Meanwhile, James was having quite the time strolling about on the Hogwarts grounds getting his 'fresh air'. He hid in a few bushes as he peered across the lake at Lily Evans on a picnic with her closest friends Lynn, Faye, and Sunny. He strained to listen in on their conversation.

"Lynn, I can't believe all this food you told the house elves to make!" said Sunny munching on a chicken wing.

"Poor things... it must be horrible being slaves... I heard the school doesn't even pay them!" Lily exclaimed slightly devastated.

"Aw, they like the work. I have about three of these at home and _they_ basically beg for me to mess up the house just so they can 'please master'..." Faye explained. "Hey Lynn where'd you hide the pumpkin pie?" she said rummaging through the picnic basket.

"Back, piggy!" Lynn demanded smacking Faye's hands with a spoon.

"Well...how did you even _find_ the kitchens? It's off bounds to students!" said Lily still searching for something too disapprove about the ill gotten goods.

"Ooh! You got some Honeydukes Finest Chocolate!" Sunny said excitedly joining Faye on her search through the picnic basket.

"You can thank _Remus_ for that." Lynn said grinning contently.

"For the chocolate or the directions to the kitchens?" Lily questioned finally beginning to enjoy the feast along with her friends.

"Both." Lynn said grinning slyly.

_'Oh great, a quick nibble on the ear and Moony is out blabbing all our secrets to the evil temptress!' _James thought seething.

James decided to get a _closer _look on things. He emerged silently from his refuge under the bushes and transformed speedily into his animagus form, a stag.  He began to walk slowly towards them.  This did not go undetected by the girls though.

"Hey guys, look at that!" Sunny said airily pointing to the creature swaggering towards them. It was a mighty creature with course dark brown fur that ran all over his body and darker fur that seem to frame around his eyes.

"It's a deer!"  Faye said.

"Oh thank you Professor State-the-obvious..."Sunny replied rolling her eyes.

"It's a _stag, _actually..." Lily said knowledgably.

Sunny and Faye looked at her strangely.

"And why, pray tell, would you be looking _there _Miss Evans?" Sunny questions with a sly grin.

"Get your minds out the gutter, I meant female deer don't have _antlers..."_ she replied blushing lightly.

"Stag, eh?" Lynn smiled to herself remembering what Remus had told her about two months ago...  

_'I wonder...'_ she thought.

"Let's get him over here." Sunny said excitedly.

"_Why_? I'm not giving it a piece of pie..." Faye muttered.

"Oh Faye... you act more like your stupid boyfriend every day..." Sunny whispered.

"Sirius is _not_ my boyfriend!" Faye hissed in response.

"How'd you know I was talking about him then?" 

"Oh shut up."

Lily ignored them both and approached the 'stag' cautiously. She extended her hand slowly towards it.

"Here little guy...come here...no one's gonna hurt you little guy..." She whispered approaching.

_'Who's she calling _little?' James thought smugly.  He crept to her and began licking her hand frantically.

"Oh, he's so friendly!" Lily gushed, her emerald eyes shining brightly with affection towards the beast.

"That's because you just finished eat a slice of pie..." Faye murmured.

"Try and bring him over here Lil, he's so cute!" Sunny whispered afraid to scare the animal away.

'_I wonder if...James?'_ Lynn wondered to herself.

"Come over here boy..." Lily urged walking back towards her friends.  James happily followed rubbing his wet nose against the front of Lily's sweater neighing like a giddy horse.

_'That's him all right.'_ Lynn thought finally.

Lily sat down on the blanket next to the picnic basket. James lay next to her still nuzzling her neck like a puppy.

"Ooh he's so cute!" Sunny exclaimed reaching over to pet him.

"He just wants to be or friend isn't that right _Prongsie_?" Lynn said with a sickening sweet smile. 

James immediately stopped and looked towards her and snapped at her hand.

"He doesn't seem to like Lynn..." Faye said.

"Cause she called him that dumb name! Why would you call him that? Isn't that what Black, Remus and Peter call _Potter?" _Lily said shuddering involuntarily.

"Well with the antlers and all it seemed to fit a _stag..._" Lynn replied glaring at James who was being stroked between his antlers by Lily's petite hand.

"That name doest fit at all...James is such a..." Sunny started.

"Assface jerk?" All three friends said in unison.

"Exactly! What we need is a name for this cutey..." Sunny said rubbing noses with James as if he were some baby puppy and not some 16 year old impersonating a stag.

"How about Fluffy?" Faye suggested feeding James a marshmallow.

"That's to girly...how about Cupcake?" Sunny suggested.

"Stop contradicting yourself; let's call him...Potty, the cocky assface jerk." Lynn replied half-heartedly throwing bits of crackers at James.

"We agreed to stay off the 'James Potter' theme..." Lily said trying to stroke James's fur back into place. When she did it just sprung up again worse than before. "I got it! Let's call him Harry!"

"That's so adorable!" Exclaimed Sunny.

"Yes, Harry the stag." Lily smiled contently as 'Harry' licked her face.

A little later in the library Remus worked desperately to complete his Transfiguration essay before his daily detention with Professor Chester.  Peter had departed earlier stating he had to get some rest before Binns out him to work on dusting the thickest encyclopedias in the world. Remus had been working quite contently before a much disheveled looking Sirius, who he had not seen for _hours_ came panting along the aisles of the library.

"Moony, Moony!" Sirius hissed down the aisles full of books and scrap parchment.

Remus stuck his head out from behind a thick book.

"Over here Padfoot." Remus whispered waving his friend down.

"I did it, I did it!" He cheered to himself.

"_Sshhh!" _Madame Pince hissed.

"Oh shut it. Looky here Moony." Sirius said proudly holding up a letter scrawled in glittery pink ink. 

"Err... its pretty." Remus commented blankly.

"The girls said it would spark up more interest..." Sirius muttered.

"Girls?" 

"Just _read _it Moony. Here," he said thrusting the letter in his hands making him drop the book on his foot.

"_Oww!_ Padfoot watch it!" Remus howled.

"I said _Ssshhhh!_" Madame Pince reprimanded.

"Here, Moony you pretend to be James and _I'll be_ Lily." 

"Why do _I _have to be James? I wanna be Lily!"

"You'd read it better."

"You don't even _like _Lily why do you get to be her?" Remus said slightly pouting.

"Because my hair is better, Wolf Boy." Sirius replied running a hand through his charcoal locks.

"My hair is _fluffier_..."

"Just read it!"

"Fine.'_To my Dearest Sweet, Tender, Beloved...'_" Remus started in a monotone voice.

"With _feeling_!" Sirius said slapping his face lightly. Remus gave him a death glare and continued in a more enthusiastic voice.

"'_You may already know this but I have yearned for you for quite some time. From the first moment I saw the sun rise with your smile on your enticingly gorgeous face I knew I loved you. A love that only grew stronger as the years progressed with your goddess like qualities-'"_

Sirius squealed in a high pitched 'girly' like manner. Remus looked up at him skeptically while he batted his eyes like an idiot.

"Right.'_such as your beauty of Aphrodite and the fluttering wisdom of Athena. My undying passion for you starts every morning when I wake up singing your name until I fall asleep with your sublime name still on my lips. So far I had not been able to express my undying love for you because of my sometimes brash insensitiveness but I am turning over a new leaf. You probably know my identity by now so I will leave you with the knowledge that I will forever be under the spell of your love. Much love and passion, your not-so-secret Admirer.'"_

"Ooh Remmie!" Sirius cried embracing him in a death grip hug. "I love you too!" he said still fulfilling his 'role' of Lily.

"It's not too short?" Remus questioned a bit uncertain, still in the clutches of Sirius.

"No it's _perfect_ just as I told you. The point gets across fine enough anyway..." He replied dropping his arms swiftly and looking around making sure nobody had stumbled across their scene. Unknown to them a meek sixth year girl stood behind the mound of books eavesdropping on _most _of their conversation. This girl happened to be Cynthia Smith, the nosiest most gossipy sixth year Gryffindor who was also best friends with Erin Meddows, lead loony of the Marauder fan club. She had been lurking in the back of the library sulking over how her roommates had neglected to invite her on their picnic when she stumbled upon, what she believed to be, Remus declaring his undying love for _Sirius_.

"I can't believe it! Wait till I tell the girls Remus Lupin and Sirius Black are gay...and _together_!" Cynthia whispered to herself excitedly. She rushed unnoticed out of the library and up into the owlery. 

"...Would you look at the time? We've got to get to Professor Chester's in a few minutes..." Sirius commented folding the letter and putting it in his breast pocket.

"I've got to finish up my essay. You go ahead though..." Remus said retrieving his book and retreating to a desk.

"I'll meet you there." Sirius said walking out of the library.  

Cynthia stalked around the library looking for a certain owl.  Her eyes rested on a medium sized light gray spotted owl with a periwinkle color on it and had the name Peatree engraved on it. Peatree was too involved in making a nest out of the light tan strands of hair he had retrieved earlier that evening.

"Oh _Peatree..._" she cooed." Iv'e got a little job for you...do you know Sirius Black?"

Sirius walked down the deserted corridor leading down to the potions dungeons. He was already late for detention because he had taken a little detour through the kitchen to make up for his missed meal. The tall windows high above were open so he could feel the fierce wind whipping his face.  For a split second a shadow crept into one of the windows and quickly fluttered down, making a quiet ruffling noise behind Sirius. He swiftly turned around on his heel with his wand sticking out.

"Who's there?!" he cried into the darkness.

The silent wind answered him. His eyes darted around in the darkness as he tried to see something.

"I must be imagining- _Ahh_!" Sirius screeched as he turned around to see the stubby spotted owl blocking his path. The owl had a malicious look about it as it waddled towards him in the dim hallway.

"Err... where'd you come from little guy?" Sirius said backing up slightly.

The owl just bellowed and its collar glinted in the moonlight pouring in from the windows. Sirius read its collar and paled.

"Alone. In a corridor. With a maniac castrating owl. This is _not _good...!" Sirius replied breaking out into a run to the potions classroom.  Peatree took flight and swooped dangerously low to Sirius's head.  

"_Ahh! _Get out my hair, get out my hair, get out my _hair!_" he screeched frantically running blindly in all directions.  He saw a closet door on his right and ducked in there still being tailed by Peatree.  Peatree had him cornered then...

_"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_ Sirius's bellow echoed out through the nearly deserted halls.

"Did you just hear something?" Remus questioned Lynn as they labeled the countless potions by alphabetical order in Professor Chester's back cabinet.

"No, I didn't just hear Sirius scream like a little girl into the night." she replied brushing Remus's hair back from his face lovingly.

"Oh, okay." he shrugged.

"The Sex Change potion goes _before _the Shrinking Potion, Remmie."

"I wonder what Chester would need _that _potion for..."

"None of your damn business Pretty Boy #2!" Professor Chester bellowed from up in his office.

"How _does _he do that?" Remus wondered silently.

"Who cares? Ready to go?"

"I can't believe Padfoot didn't show up! He's gonna be in so much trouble..."

_"Oh no, please stop! Get off me you stupid pigeon! Okay okay okay you're not stupid just please don't- Oww!" _Sirius struggled within the closet.

Just as luck would have it, Kevin Gregory happened to be strolling past...

_"Who's out there?! Help me please before this sick bird has its way with me!" _Sirius whined.

"_Help, you need somebody. Help, not just anybody..."_ Kevin sang lightly to the door.

"_Oh not _you!" Sirius groaned.

_"Help, you know I need someone, help..." _he sang as he finally pried open the stuck door. 

Peatree leapt out first with a scroll of paper in its mouth soon followed by a roughed up looking Sirius.

"I was just violated and manhandled... by an _owl_!" Sirius panted out before fainting.

"_Oh, you got to admit it's getting better, a little better, all the time. Gettin' better all the time..." _Kevin sang quietly as he dragged Sirius through the hall.

Quite some time later Peatree returned to the owlery with Sirius's parchment in tow.  It scuffled towards Cynthia and spat it out of its beak. 

"Thank you... and just like I promised, your nest, unharmed." Cynthia grinned evilly as it handed back the soft nest made out of hay and Remus hair.

"Now, to the dormitory!" she said happily to herself as she skipped down the stairs,

"Padfoot what happened?!" Peter screeched when he first saw Kevin drag Sirius in by his boots. Sirius had somewhat regained consciousness and was now looking around the room dazed.

"Owl... closet...violated..." he panted out.

Meanwhile in the girls' dorm Lily, Sunny, and Faye were chatting silently on Lynn's bed as she brushed her hair in the mirror.

"...it wasn't _so_ bad since Sirius wasn't there..." Lynn said commenting on her detention.

"Yeah, I bet it wasn't..." Sunny muttered.

Suddenly Cynthia busted in the door with an excited glint in her pale brown eyes. She was panting triumphantly as if she had just won a race. Cynthia loved making other people, especially her Lynn for some unknown reason; feel bad with some trashy piece of gossip. So you must know how she felt to have witnessed something that would absolutely _devastate _Lynn. She tried her best to put on a worried look.

"Lysandra, I've got some _bad_ news..."

"What do you mean Cynthia? Lila's sister's best friend Jesse's little cousin started the rumor that she dies her hair _again?_" Lily questioned sarcastically.

"_No! _She probably does anyway...my news anyway is something _I _saw and _heard! _And I have _proof!" _she said waving the letter around frantically.

"Listen to this!'_To my Dearest Sweet, Tender, Beloved, You may already know this but I have yearned for you for quite some time. From the first moment I saw the sun rise with your smile on your enticingly gorgeous face I knew I loved you. A love that only grew stronger as the years progressed with your goddess like qualities such as your beauty of Aphrodite and the fluttering wisdom of Athena. My undying passion for you starts every morning when I wake up singing your name until I fall asleep with your sublime name still on my lips. So far I had not been able to express my undying love for you because of my sometimes brash insensitiveness but I am turning over a new leaf. You probably know my identity by now so I will leave you with the knowledge that I will forever be under the spell of your love. Much love and passion, your not-so-secret Admirer.'" _Cynthia finished triumphantly.

All four friends just looked around questioningly.

"So... you're in love with _Lynn_?" Faye questioned.

"_I _didn't write this, Remus Lupin did!" Cynthia exclaimed.

They all looked at each other again.

"Err...we _already_ knew Remus and Lynn were together." Lily said slowly.

"Lupin didn't write it to _her _idiot's, he's _cheating _on her!" she exclaimed yet again with that crazy look in her eyes.

Everyone gasped and Lynn looked on the verge of tears.

"...with Sirius Black."  Cynthia finished smugly.

"_Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_ Lynn cried out a deafening squeal that rang out through the common room and all the dormitories.

"Err...Padfoot did you just hear something?" Remus questioned drowsily.

"No, I didn't just hear Lysandra screaming her head off..." Sirius replied into his pillow.

**AN- I was thinking of making that chapter just a _teeny _bit longer but I decided against it. I already wrote the next chapter though! So all of you who want to see Sirius strut his stuff in the next chapter better hurry and review...**


	5. Off to Hogsmeade

**Disclaimer- Don't own anything you recognize. But I _do _own these happy squirrels *holds up cart wheeling squirrel*, would you care to adopt one????__**

**The content of this chapter include frilly rainbow shirts, the mention of sheep being _victimized, the singing of Y.M.C.A., _a slight catfight, and should not be viewed by anyone.....who refused to adopt one of my happy squirrels earlier.**

"You don't actually believe that load of bull, do you Lynn?" Lily questioned drowsily.  It had to be about 6:30 on that Saturday morning and Lynn had been up all night ranting and raving to Lily about Sirius, or "That Tainted Evil Man-Whore, Black!" as Lynn called him.

"Oh no Lils, I just decided to stay up the whole night crying my eyes out for the sheer fun of it." Lynn said sarcastically.

"Oh come _on_, you can never tell me you haven't suspected Remus of being...well you know...a little _too_ feminine? The way he takes more time to dress and do his hair than _you _do...the way he is _always _moody and whiny...the way he calls _your _time of the month _'our'_ time of the month...he wears makeup for crying out loud...the list goes on and on!"  

"Lot's of guys wear makeup! And the only reason he says our time of the month is because he's a werewo- Err...never mind that! Anyway, it's not _that _that's been bothering me so much it's the fact that him and _Sirius..._Sirius is just...oh I need to lie down."

"He may be a-a-a..."

"Tainted Evil Man-Whore?" Lynn said, her voice muffled by her pillow.

"Yes. But he can't be _that_ bad...right?" Lily questioned as Lynn threw the pillow off her face in anger.

"But you don't understand Lils, ever since the beginning that tainted evil man-whore's been plotting against me!" Lynn hissed frantically wiping the tears out of her eyes.

"I mean, look at it on the bright side..." Lily started, bringing her blanket up to her chin.

"_What _bright side?!" Lynn hissed angrily, "My wonderful boyfriend is being stolen from right under my nose by a cunning prat that I _hate_! I mean its bad enough he's _cheated_ on me but with _him_?I always wanted Remus to do better than me not _worse!_" Lynn said throwing Lily's blanket off her bed as well.

"I'm sensing you're in a destructive mode right now so I'm just gonna pretend like you _didn't _just rob me of six hours of sleep _and _my blanket, and try to reason with you." Lily said opening one annoyed eye to Lynn.

"Fine."

"Let me ask you something. Since when do _you_ believe anything Cynthia or her evil stalker friends say? I mean look at her," Lily said pointing to the bed across from her where Cynthia was curled up in her bed with an snide little grin plastered on her heavy make-up face. "She's prime evil! Her subconscious is getting joy out of watching you fret all night over Remus! _She's _the one you should be worried about not Sirius! Look at this note," Lily said pushing Cynthia's 'proof' under her nose. "This probably isn't even Remus's handwriting!"

"I guess...you're probably...right." Lynn muttered clutching the stuffed puppy Remus had given her during the summer.

"It's not like Sirius has him in his evil clutches anyway...if they are together I'm _sure _Remus would tell you right away. It's not like you have to go breathing down his neck every second trying to check on him or anything...I mean what's the worst Sirius can be doing to him?" Lily muttered.

Lynn's head shot up from her pillow and she dashed down the stairs quick as a flash headed to the boy's dormitories.

After she was gone for a few seconds Cynthia rose from her bed and yawned loudly.

"_Man, _I had a good sleep!" she chirped as Lily scowled her way.

"_Moony...Moony?_Moony! Get up you lazy ass lump!" Sirius hissed as he slapped Remus on the side of the face repeatedly. 

"Hmm...? What? Jules get _off _of me...!" Remus said with his eyes closed.

Sirius was perched atop of Remus's stomach trying to get him up using force tactics but to no avail.

"Moony, I need you to gimme the note! I wanted to send it to you-know-who before breakfast...come on get up!" Sirius said holding Remus's nose hoping the stop of the flow of oxygen would get him out of bed.

"...I doh hag et..." Remus sputtered with his eyes still closed.

"What? I don't unders- hey Kevin, get over here!" Sirius said motioning to his roommate who was on his way to the bathroom.  Kevin was usually the one in charge of waking everybody up in the mornings to make it on time for class. If anyone could wake Remus it would be him.

Kevin walked over to them humming _Easy Like Sunday Morning_ and ruffled Remus's hair.

_"Here comes the sun, here comes the sun and I say it's all right...little darling," _Kevin sang as one of Remus's eyes opened much to Sirius's surprise.

"It's been a long cold lonely winter..." Remus sang along.

_"Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here...here comes the sun-" _

"This isn't sing along time Kevin, go back to your hole!" Sirius snapped a little meaner than he intended to be.

_"Here comes the sun and I say, it's all right..."_ He sang himself into the bathroom.

"He was _just _saying Good Morning, Padfoot...sheesh...and do you _mind, _you're crushing me!" Remus muttered.

"No time for that! Hurry and give me the note before Prongs wakes up."

"Prongs isn't even here, and what are you talking about, you took it!"

"No I didn't, I gave it to you!"

"You did not-"

Suddenly the door bust wide open and Lynn appeared in the doorway wearing nothing more than a T-shirt and her hair looking as if she had been electrocuted. She was panting fiercely as if she had run a mile or two. She gasped when she saw Sirius seated _ever-so _comfortably on top of _her _boyfriend.  

_"You!"_ she growled pointing her index at Sirius who quickly backed off Remus and into the corner.

"What are you-...?" Sirius started.

"Get _OUT..._" Lynn snarled in a dangerously low tone.

"This is _our _dorm and you have no right to-"

"NOW!" she howled.

"Eep!" Sirius squealed as he scurried down the steps and into the common room.

Lynn just looked at Peter who was curled up in the corner of his bed trying to shield himself from view and he yelped and he ran into the bathroom where Kevin was showering. Lynn looked at Remus and her glare softened a bit. In fact there seem to be tears in her eyes.

"How _could _you Remus Jeremiah Lupin?! And with that _sleaze bag _none the less!" she roared and scuttled down the stairs.

Remus just looked around _very _confused.

"I have a feeling I did _something_ wrong..." he pondered.

Sirius sat on his favorite plushy chair in the common room as he waited to see when it was safe to visit his friend again.  After only a few moments Lysandra whizzed down the steps absolutely steaming and back up into the girls dormitories.

"Can I go back to my room now?" Sirius asked.

Lynn opened her door and hollered out,

"Got to hell you Man stealing Prick!"

Sirius sat back in his chair and looked dazed.

"Man stealing prick? _That's_ a new one..." 

"But it _does _fit you don't you think?" A new voice said at the foot of the stairs.

Sirius whipped around surprised.

"Oh err...hi um...Cindy?"

"My names Cynthia." she snapped.

"Whatever Sandy what was Mecha Lysandra whining about?"

"It's_ Cynthia, _and she was referring to...well you and Lupin's _thing._"

"Tia, what _thing?_" he asked.

"You know...you two being together."

"Wha-?!"

"Don't try to deny it Black. I _saw_ you together in the library yesterday? Remember? 'Undying Love' sound familiar?"

Sirius was suddenly enlightened. He knew exactly what Cynthia thought she was talking about.

"You wouldn't _believe _how infuriatedLysandra was yesterday when I told her..." Cynthia went on with a very content smile on her face.

"You don't- infuriated eh?" Sirius grinned, the gears in his head turning.

"Why of course! To find out _you _of all people stole her wittle Wemus away..."

_'Ooh this should be fun...I need a little prank to get my mind off of things!'_ Sirius thought joyfully.

"Tough break...I guess being a sick paranoid wench finally paid off for her...And by the way, Sandy?"

"_Cynthia_!"

"Whatever, I-we would appreciate it of you would, you know...keep this to yourself...for the time being that is..."

"Oh, of course Sirius!"

"_Super."_

When Sirius got back to his dorm he was in a fit of giggles. Remus, who was just about to leave with Peter to go find Prongs stopped to stare at him as if he was a maniac.

"Whats with him?" Peter whispered to Remus who just shrugged in response.

"Err...Padfoot?" Remus said.

"Yes sugar buns?" Sirius replied before collapsing in another fit of giggles.

"Were err... going to look for Prongs so we won't be late to Hogsmeade...okay?"

"I don't think we should leave him alone..." Peter whimpered.

"No, go; _go_...I need to get dressed." Sirius said shooing them out of the dorm.

"We'll meet you in the great hall then." Remus said a bit worriedly.

Sirius listened to their steps down into the common room and turned to Kevin who was brushing his flaming red hair in the mirror.

"Kevin, I'll need a little bit of music. Were about to give Lysandra Rivers something to be jealous about!" Sirius said snapping his fingers.

Kevin looked elated and began to sing.

_"Young there's a place you can go, I said young man, when you're short your dough, you can stay there, and I'm sure you will find many ways to have a good time! It's fun to stay the Y.M.C.A.-" _Kevin started while swaying his hips and motioning the letters he was singing with his hands.

"Hmm...How about something a little more...feminine...?" Sirius said picking through his closet looking for _appropriate _attire.

Kevin pondered for a moment and the snapped his fingers.

"_You can dance, You can Ji-ive, having the time of our lives, see that girl watch the scene diggin' the dancing queen..."_

"Perfect!" said Sirius holding up a pair of tight leather pants.

"_Friday night and the lights are low..." _

"Are you _sure_ you want to go to Hogsmeade with me?" Severus Snape questioned looking around to see if they were being watched. This was quite unlikely because they were holding this conversation in the dark shadows of one of the large willow trees by Hagrid's hut.

"Of_ course_, Sevvie! It's the _least_ I could do after you tutored me in potions even after that idiot Sirius- never mind him. You never even _been_ to Hogsmeade have you?" 

Severus felt his pale cheeks heat up.

"Well only once with Lucius before he graduated...I never really had a reason to go I reckon..." he replied rubbing the back pf his neck hastily.

"And I suppose going with Bratty Randy one of your favorite things?" Jules said with a grin.

Severus just blushed another shade of pink on his sickeningly pale cheeks.

"Oh and I suppose going with your idiot brother and his mudblood friends are better?" he snapped unwillingly.

"You don't have to be so mean to me _all _the time Severus." Jules said through clenched teeth.

"I-I didn't-" he stammered.

"And if you have a problem with my _Mudblood_friends I suppose you have a problem with me as well!" she snapped getting up to leave. Severus grabbed the bottom of her robes before she could go.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean it...it's just the...Slytherin thing, you know?" 

Jules glared at him and sat back down slowly.

"Well this Slytherin thing's a bitch..." she replied with a grin slowly returning to her face.

_"Prongs!__ Where are you? Have you been victimizing sheep? There's no shame here, we've _all_ played the sheep game when we've got a little desperate..."_

Their heads whipped around to see Peter Pettigrew stumbling around in Hagrid's sheep yard calling out for his friend.  A few yards away Remus was questioning Hagrid on James's whereabouts.

"Come on we gotta get out of here!" Jules hissed pulling Snape up.

"Err... I don't think he's over there Wormtail..." Remus responded to his friends cries. Suddenly something came up behind him and licked his hand.

"_Eww__!"_ he wailed as he turned around to see a stag standing behind him. "Prongs! What are you doing out here?"

James started neighing and making animal-like clicks with his tongue.

"You know, I don't speak animal..." 

James then transformed from a stag back into a human.

"I said, 'The usual, grazing, chatting it up with the sheep, cruising for chicks...' "James trailed of as they started walking back to the castle.

"Only you." Remus replied shaking his head.

"You're overreacting! If you would just calm down-" Sunny tried to reason with her friend.

"Don't tell _me _to calm down!" Lynn shouted in response. Many of the students who were standing in a line waiting to be signed out to Hogsmeade turned to look at them.  

"Don't yell at me! I'm very sensitive you know!" Sunny muttered with a slight hiccup. This was a sign that Lynn's brashness was getting to her and she was due to start weeping any moment now...

"Lil, would you tell your friends to shut up? It's only 11:03 and they've already managed to give me a headache." Faye said to Lily rubbing her temples.

"Oh sure they're my friends when they're like this..." Lily muttered. 

"Fine, I'll make them shut up! Sunny stop being such a whiny optimist crybaby, Lynn, pull the brick out of your ass and stop sulking, Remus _didn't _leave you and Sirius is not- I repeat- is not out to seek your destruction, and if he is let him march right up here and give us a freaking sign, okay?!" Faye finished, panting. She was not a morning person and to her 6:00 A.M. to 12:00 P.M. was considered morning.

Sunny just began to weep silently on the spot.

"Do _you _think I'm a-a-a whiny optimist crybaby, Lily?" Sunny asked sniffling slightly.

"Yes, get over it." Faye answered for her, earning a smack in the side from Lily.

Remus walked up behind them approaching cautiously with a rose in his hand. 

"Err...what's wrong with Sunny?" he whispered into Lily's ear.

"It's _you!_" Faye growled.

"Yes it's you, Remus how nice to see you, and _look_ he's got a rose!" Lily pleasantly nudging Lynn.

"...Right. Lynn, I _really _don't know what I did but I wanted to make it up to you." Remus said offering his sweetest grin. "Whatever _you _want to do in Hogsmeade we'll do."

"Really?" Lynn said meekly.

"Yeah, we don't even have to stop at Zonko's if you don't want to..." 

"Oh, Remmie!" she squealed encircling his neck with her arms.

"Oh how _darling._" Sirius's voice came behind them.

They all turned around and gasped. This _couldn't _be Sirius Black. This was some imposter wearing a tie dye rainbow shirt that came out in little frills on the collar (which was half covered by a matching scarf) and sleeves, stuffed into these _tight _black bell-bottom leather pants that showed _every_ crease and crevice on his perfectly sculpted legs, with some blazing red high heel boots (courtesy of Kevin =P) replacing his usual blue lace-up Converse's, all topped off with a red velvet cowboy hat that covered his shiny slicked back hair.  

"Cher, Madonna, eat your heart out." James muttered behind him with a smirk.

"Oh, no he _didn't_." Peter coursed behind James.

"Oh Remmie _darling, _I've been looking all over for you!" Sirius squealed embracing Remus in a hug.

"What the-?!" Remus's words were muffled by the scarf Sirius was crushing his face into.

"Don't you remember? We made _plans _yesterday." Sirius whimpered.

"No we didn't!" Remus protested.

"Yes, we did. You weren't just going to blow me off for this _hussy _were you?" Sirius said pointing a lanky finger at Lynn.

_"Hussy?!"_ Lynn screeched turning red all over from anger.

"You wanna make somethin' of it, girlfriend?" Sirius challenged pushing Remus out the way.

"Why you-" Lynn was about to jump on Sirius but was restrained barely by Lily. "Let me at her- I mean him!" Lynn raged scraping at the air barely missing Lily's face.

"Oh no she _didn't_!" Sirius said in mock offense as he slapped his hands wildly at Lynn like some kind of fish out of water.

"Knock it _off _Padfoot!" Remus said aiding James in dragging Sirius away.  

"Let me at that hussy!" Sirius screeched not able to keep the grin off his face anymore.

"Whore!" Lynn shouted back.

"Daft Cow!" Sirius responded breaking down into fits of giggles.

"Bitch!" Lynn said before having her mouth clamped by Lily's hand.

"Mind you there are third years present." she hissed. Lily turned back to Professor Chester who was grinning like some perverse Cheshire cat while taking they're sixth year permission slips for Hogsmeade.  Unbeknownst to Lily she had handed Professor Chester an _extra_ piece of parchment that didn't go unnoticed by Chester. All four of them clambered into a carriage.

"Is that a big enough sign for you, Faye?!" Lynn screeched.

"What's this now?" Professor Chester muttered fingering the extra piece of parchment Lily had handed him.  _'To my Dearest Sweet, Tender, Beloved, You may already know this but I have yearned for you for quite some time...' "He_ read to himself.  By the time he finished reading and re-reading it for the fifth time his carriage had already stopped in Hogsmeade.

"Ha! I_ knew _that Evans found me _dead sexy_..." He said to himself using spit to slick back his balding head.__

**AN- This was meant to be apart of the fourth chapter but I couldn't find the right disk and...so yeah, that's why it's so _short_. I intend to review this again over the next couple of days after I pay attention to my other stories for a while...so keep on reviewing peeps! Thanx... Mind you, The song '_Here Comes the Sun_' belongs to the Beatles, _Y.M.C.A _belongs to the Village People, and the one and only _Dancing Queen _belongs to ABBA (lucky her!).**


	6. You don't Teach a dog that!

**Disclaimer- I own nothing you recognize, including the songs...err...all the songs Kevin Gregory sings belong to different artists and not me.**

**Warning: The following fic contains more catfights, dogs doing _unspeakable_ things, a flock of angry owls, and should not be viewed by anyone...who won't say 'super' with me.**

**1...2...3...SUPER!!!!!...and I'm spent.**

"Sirius quit it!" Remus snapped yanking his hair out of his deluded friend's reach. 

 Sirius thought nothing of the outburst and picked up another lock of Remus's light hair and began to brush it, taking back glances at Lynn who was seething and obviously stalking them through Hogsmead.

"Oh you know you like it _dearest Remmikins_. Plus your hair is just _super._" Sirius said, saying Dearest Remmikins loud for the sole purpose of annoying Lynn.  He knew he succeeded when there was an angry roar behind them and numerous 'calm downs' from her friends.

"Remmikins? What are you on?" Remus questioned disgusted. "I've been called Rem before, even Remmie and Remski but where the hell did Remmikins come from?" Remus pondered to himself as he and his friends walked on.

"So...Padfoot what brought on this new revelation of...?" James questioned and for about the first time ever he seemed to be lost for words. 

"Flaming-ness?" Peter suggested, fingering Sirius's rainbow ruffles cautiously as if they would jump out and bite him.

"Not quite so...blunt." James said scratching his chin in a pondering manner.

"Flamboyant-ness?" Suggested Sirius applying mascara to his eyes while walking as if it was a second nature.

  
"Perfect. Let's make that the word of the day, eh Wormtail old boy?" James said snapping his fingers.

"You're so _flamboyant_ today." Peter said stating a fact proudly as James patted him on a head like a good puppy. 

Peter scurried ahead to the entrance of the three broomsticks and opened the door gallantly for his friends expecting another pat from James.  Everybody knew Peter worshipped the ground James walked on ever since Remus found a jar filled to its brim with a dusty clear liquid labeled _James's Sweat _under Peter's bed.  At first Peter's worshipping came off as a little unnerving and just plain creepy but soon James came to embrace the attention and relish it. So in a way Peter helped James become what he is today. 

Sirius glided in front of his friends in Kevin's suede red boots humming a little airy tune as he glanced around in search of a table. He flopped down at a table intended for five which was not too far from the bar area where Lily, Lynn, Faye, and Sunny sat.

"You know, leather pants really suit Sirius." sunny said sipping her butterbeer pleasantly.

"It looks like someone slathered his pants in cooking oil..." Faye mumbled slightly amused. She plucked a cherry from atop of Lily's root beer float and chuckled to herself.  Lily didn't seem to notice because she was facing Lynn on her other side who seemed to be having a nervous breakdown. 

"Lil how do you think _I _would look in leather pants- do you think Remmie would like it if _I _strutted around like a _flaming_ version of Keith Partridge- how long do you think this has been going on- I swear I'll kill him if it's the last thing I do- what the hell does he think he's doing his hair...?!" Lynn babbled on in a slightly frantic voice adding heaping mounds of sugar in her coffee.

Lily cast a worried look to Faye as Lynn kept babbling to herself.

"What should we do about Lynn?" Lily asked truly concerned.

"What, excuse me?'We'? I thought we established that these were _your_ friends before noon and I was only here for the food." Faye said motioning to Sunny and Lynn.

"Faye you ass, she needs us!" Lily hissed smacking the cherry out of her hand.

"How about we just feed Sirius some Pop Rocks and soda until he falls to the floor sputtering and twitching, that would make her happy." Faye suggested.

_"No!"_ Lily said sternly in a voice resembling that of McGonagall's.

"What? It worked _last _time..." 

"Just look at her! It's getting way out of hand."

Faye watch as Sunny pried Lynn's coffee which had a mountain of sugar coming through it like an iceberg, out of Lynn's shaking hands.

"I _need _the caffeine!" Lynn exclaimed drawing attention to herself from everyone else at the bar.

"You-you had _enough_." Lynn quivered slightly afraid.

This was her fourth cup of sugary coffee in only _7_ minutes. Everyone knew to stay out of Lynn's way when she was on a caffeine rush such as this one. She usually got violent and disoriented when she had more than four cups of coffee. Last time this happened was in their third year when Lynn ordered 10 cups of coffee and tried to out drink Sirius, the human disposal.  After she hit five cups she ran loose and nobody found her until late that night when she was discovered letting loose all the chocolate frogs in a closed Honeydukes screaming _"Fly, fly with me cretins!"_ as they bounced from wall to wall, nearly wrecking the place. It was even more scary now because she was suffering from sugar rush _and_ chronic depression as well. There was no telling what she would do now if her friends couldn't keep her under control.

"I said you enough!" Sunny said yet again.

"Enough? _Enough?_ You daft freakin' hippy, I'll tell you when I've had enough!" Lynn snarled swallowing the coffee in one gulp and licking the bottom of the cup like a bum would do to an empty bottle of whisky.

Faye sighed and looked away from her disturbed coffee fiend of a friend and returned her gaze to Lily.

"Well... I guess I could give you some advice to help her seeing as if I'm not the best person to talk to her right now..." Faye said.

"_Super_." said Lily mocking what Sirius had been saying all day in the exact same way he pronounced 'super' as 'thuper'.

"My mom's a psychaitrist and she says the way you deal with crazy people is you just let them babble on about what they wanna say, crease your eyebrows a bit and say 'M'kay, m'kay so how do _you _feel about that?'." Faye stated knowingly.

"Are you sure?" Lily asked eating a spoonful of her already melting ice cream which was turning her root beer a creamish color.

"Well, my mom's been doing that to _me_ my whole life so...yeah." Faye replied with her face breaking into a grin not very different to Sirius's.

"'Kay let's try." Lily said swiveling her barstool so she could face Lynn.

Faye sighed as she saw her friend hyperventilating in a mug of butterbeer topped of with a heaping helping of whip cream. Surprisingly, this was Sunny and _not_ Lynn who had begun naming off the different conspiracies put against her ever since birth. Faye snatched a brown paper bag from behind the bar counter and shoved it in Sunny's face, covering her mouth and nose.

"Breathe, moron, _breathe!"_ Faye scolded. Sunny looked up with her watering eyes and took a few small breaths.

"Well come on you can do better than _that _take in some air!" Faye said pounding Sunny on her back.

Lily gripped Lynn's wrists and clamped her mouth shut in an attempt to get her attention.

"Now then, I feel we should have a talk, buddy." Lily said creasing her eyebrows slightly, "Now how do _you _feel about that?"

"I don't want anymore, Sirius, seriously!" Remus whined pushing back the peanut butter and chocolate swirl milkshake Sirius had bought for the both of them to share.

"Oh, take another sip Remmie Poo." Sirius cooed.

"Again with the pet names, what _is _wrong with you?-ooh that looks _good _little Miss Evans..." James questioned ripping his eyes away from the bar where Lily was licking some whip cream that had dribbled down her chin. Soon enough his head snapped back to her again.

"Yeah Sirius, you're so..." Peter started not knowing how to phrase his friend's actions.

"Flamboyant." Remus offered, letting Sirius wipe his mouth with his handkerchief that smelled strongly of cheap cologne.

"Yeah, so flamboyant today you'd probably put Cher to shame and _she's_ the biggest drag queen in the world!"

"Oh yeah_ right _Wormtail, like that's _true. _Cher's not the biggest drag queen, Dr. Frank 'N' Furter is, _Duh._" (To all those Rocky Horror fans!) James scoffed at his friend.

"Guys...I think Cher's a _real_ woman..." Remus said pushing Sirius's head from his shoulder.

James and Peter looked at each other and back at Remus and burst out laughing.

"That's a good one Moony."__

The bells on the door to the Three Broomsticks jingled slightly and Kevin Gregory stepped in humming his favorite song, Benny and the Jets. James, Remus and Peter looked up at their roommate Kevin, Sirius, and back to Kevin in befuddlement. Sirius just grinned slightly and continued slurping down the milkshake he _insisted_ he and Remus share.

"Is there some memo about showing _flamboyant-ness _today that we didn't get?" Peter questioned seriously.

Kevin strolled toward them wearing an outfit that almost was as shocking as Sirius's. He wore a _tight_ lace up leather vest with no shirt underneath so you could see the little patch of red chest hairs he had shaved to the shape of a heart. His pants or rather his cowboy chaps were also shiny black leather that exposed his leopard print Speedo like underwear. His feathery long red hair was tied into a long ponytail that whished from side to side as he walked. He hadn't even bothered to cover up with a robe so James, Peter, and Sirius wondered why he hadn't been sent back to the castle yet. He walked over to them and blinked suggestively from behind his large sunglasses that took up most of the space on his face and were the shape of purple stars and covered in some glittery substance. It looked as if he had stolen them straight from Elton John's private collection.

He took their stunned silence as an invatation to join them.

_"Hello, hello, hello-"_ Kevin sang lightly.

"Kevin, piss off. We have _enough _of _this- _" James motioned wildly at Sirius's ensemble, "-already. We don't need it from _you_ too." James finished brashly returning his eyes to Lily at the bar who was being approached slowly by Professor Chester.

Kevin seemed to ignore him and took a seat next to Sirius.

_"Oh, oh no. I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello, hello, hello." _Kevin continued merrily pinching Remus's cheek, and not the one on his face, mind you.

_"Ow!"_ Remus squealed.

Lynn looked over to her distraught boyfriend and her mouth fell to the ground in shock.

"I cannot believe him! He must be some sort of weird gay guy magnet!" she yelled being restrained to her barstool by Sunny who had regained her normal serenity.

"Err...and how do you feel about that?" Lily questioned following Faye's orders.

Lynn looked at Lily with a noticeable twitch in her eyes.

"How do I- how do I?" she sputtered.

Thankfully, Lily was spared from her wrath as Professor Chester stood in front of her, a grin appearing on his broad face along with the slimy white substance Lily _hoped_ was spit.

"Miss Evans." he said in a low tone.

"Err...Professor Chester?" Lily responded, a bit surprised by his approaching her.

"What's that you got there?" his beefy hands reached over and removed her half-eaten root beer float from the counter.

"It's a root beer float..." Lily said which was useless because by the time she said that he was half finished with the large gulp he took from Lily's straw.  Lily stomach turned as she saw him giving her a suggestive grin from over the glass after running his fat tongue over his chapped lips.

"Eww...I'll never touch a root beer float again..." Faye said also watching the man's strange antics.

"What's this?" he questioned, his dirty grin never leaving his obese cherub-like face.

"What's _what?"_ Lily answered his question with another question.

"Is that a trace of alcohol I detect?" he asked with apparently false sternness.

Faye looked shocked and turned to Lily who just shook her head profusely.

"N-no, of course not!" Lily spat out.

"I think it is."

"He can think about something more than perverted thoughts about naked chicks floating on clams-?" Faye started to say before being nudged painfully in the stomach by Sunny.

"It's not, really!" Lily protested. Her eyes had the same glazed over look that Sunny usually got when Faye says something particularly mean.

"Yes, it is. Evans I am surprised at you, being a prefect and all!" Chester said, the grin never leaving his face.

"Oh, professor please doesn't suspend her badge!" Sunny exclaimed as if it were herself getting in trouble.

"Yeah, it's not her fault she's a drunkard, I think it runs in her family, you should hear what they do to eggnog at Christmas time!" Faye said also jumping to her defense, while Lynn twirled around on her barstool mixing coffee into sugar instead of the other way around saying things in what seemed to be another language.

"Professor, please believe me!" Lily pleaded.

"I'm afraid I'll have to give you..." he seemed to pause as his eyebrows curved deviously, "a detention."

All four of them gasped as Lily was the only one of them who never got a detention before. 

"No, no..." Lily gasped in a stupor.

"With me, darling. Tonight." Chester continued his grin unmoving.

"No, _No!_" Lily screeched out a little louder.

"I'm afraid so darling. See you tonight." He said waddling out of the building but not before placing Lily's glass back down on the table on top of a folded piece of parchment.

A few minutes after he left they stayed silent watching Lily's eye take on a twitch similar to Lynn's. Finally Faye spoke up.

"...You know, you could've told me if you wanted a _drink_ Lils...my brother has a private supply of Firewhiskey in his dorm.

"I _didn't _drink anything!" Lily screeched in her ear.

"Whatever you say...rummy."

"I can't seem to place what's wrong with Lynn..." Remus said stroking his chin, looking across the tables to the bar where Lynn was nervously stirring a cup of sugar and glaring back at him with her bloodshot gray eyes. Kevin looked at her and turned to Remus.

_"Why do you build her up, buttercup baby just to let her down, mess her around? And worst of all you never call baby when you say you will but she loves ya still, she needs you more than anyone baby-." _

"How do you get the patch in such a bright red, Kevin, when your hair is much lighter?" Peter interrupted Kevin's meaningful message and began to finger his fuzzy chest hair with wonder. Kevin looked flattered for a moment and began singing a whole new song.

_"She comes in colors everywhere, and combs her hair, she's like a rainbow..."_

Sirius turned towards her as well and began to stroke Remus's leg seductively and she growled like some class of wild beast. That's when Sirius good a devious idea.  He chuckled as he slid under the table.

"Err... Padfoot, where ya goin'?" Remus said sliding his robe over his lap.

"You'll *Woof*" Sirius said, emerging from under the table as a large black dog.  Some of the wizards sitting around them rose from their seats and backed out of the bar cautiously, thinking he was a grim. 

Lynn watched her barstool and set down her mug with a quivering hand, waiting to see what Sirius was planning to do as a dog.

"What's that cutesy puppy wuppy doing in here?" Sunny squealed in delight forgetting Lily's dilemma.

"That's a _grim, _genius." Faye smirked.

"I don't believe in grims. I believe in misunderstood dogs that are shunned by superstitious wizards. What's the deal with black animals anyway? Muggles are afraid of black cats and wizards are afraid of black dogs. Is it some conspiracy?" Sunny continued.

Lily and Lynn just mumbled incoherently and watched on.

"Maybe it's come to get Black. Eh Lynn?" Faye said nudging Lynn in her side.

"Oh no. What will you say when your children ask about their father?" Sunny questioned in a smart alecky way.

"Well I'll just say-_hey!_" Faye gasped at Sunny's remark. "It's _my _job to be an ass about things not _yours_!" 

Sunny didn't even hear Faye's response as she, along with most people at the bar, was staring at the dog with her mouth hanging on the floor or in a fit of laughter.

"Hey what's the deal?" Faye asked.

Sunny grabbed her chin and turned her face to the dog and what he was doing, or rather _who_ he was doing. Faye gasped when she saw Remus screaming and flailing his arms because of the dog that had dug his paws into both of his shoulders and jerking its shaggy hips back and forth and up and down on Remus's leg. James had torn his eyes away from Lily and was cackling into his drink and Peter was on the floor giving into all kinds of sputtering laughter. Kevin stood above the 'couple' singing quite loud enough for everyone to hear,

_"Ooh, when I get this feeling I want sexual healing. Sexual...healing, somethin' that's good for me..."_

"You sick, twisted _perv _get off of my leg!" Remus shouted trying to move his leg from the dog's massive body which was writhing on top of him.

"That son of a _bitch!_" Lynn screamed tearing all three of her friends' eyes from the spectacle Sirius was making of himself and Remus.

"Of course it's a son of a _bitch_, it's a _dog_." Faye said choking through laughter.

"_Arrrgggghhh!"_ Lynn howled nearly ripping out her hair in frustration. She leaped off the barstool and into Sunny who had already planted her feet in front of her, blocking her view.

"Oh no you don't," Sunny said restraining her with much force. "We can't have you tearing after everything that goes after Remus, twice in one day."

Lynn quickly uprooted herself from Sunny and stood panting, red with rage. 

"I _will _get my revenge!" she swore before seeping out the door and straight into Rusty Pete's Owl Emporium.

"Eww... what is that _perv _doing to my brother?!" Jules screeched.  

Severus, who occupied the seat next to her, wiped some tears from his eyes as he clutched his stomach from the pain of the laughter.

"Wow, that Lupin sure can pick 'em!" he howled with laughter at his own joke slapping at the table.

"It's not funny Sevvie. What if Siri- err...that dog did that to you?" Jules said casting worried looks over her shoulder.

Severus stopped laughing momentarily and looked at her.

"They do mean stuff to mean _all _the time! Can't you let me have my fun?" Severus asked kind of annoyed.

"That's different!"

"How so?" he asked crossing his pale and bony arms.

"How would you like it if some deranged mutt did that to you or _me_?"

"I _always _feel like some deranged mutt is after you when I see the way Black stares at you as if he's some wild animal planning to jump your bo-" Snape was interrupted by Jules shook on his shoulder with laughter at his side.

"What?" Snape questioned.

"You called him a- when he really is- mutt..." Jules managed to get out through her laughter. Severus looked on wearing a confused expression on his pasty face.

"...Right." he murmured.

"Oh, Sevvie..." she said as she wrapped her arms around his neck and laid her head on his shoulder. She could see the color slowly but surely, color rise to his face.

"Well err...yeah umm...but...I..._super_." words came carelessly out of Snape's mouth.  He couldn't really talk considering his stomach was flip flopping all around.

Suddenly Sirius or the dog let out a _loud _groan and crashed down backwards to the floor. His hairy stomach heaved up and down as he panted deeply. It was _completely_ fake but his audience didn't know that...

This bought on a whole new set of chuckles from Severus and this time Jules gave in and giggled a bit too. Slowly he eased one of his arms around her waist.

"Oh no!" Jules exclaimed suddenly, making Severus's hand zip back up around his neck as quick as a flash.

"What, what happened, what?" he questioned frantically.

"Hide, _now _Lil's coming!" she hissed pushing him under the table extremely quick.

Severus clambered under the table into a crouching position. They had been playing this game all day.  Every time they went into a store and saw someone coming to them the other would hide to avoid 'confrontations' as Snape put it. The truth was Snape was afraid of getting beaten to a bloody pulp by Sirius and the others more often than he had to be.

Lily, Sunny and Faye approached Jules at her small table in the back and greeted her.

"Hi girls!" Jules said a little _too _enthusiastically.

"Err...hi Jules. Is everything okay?" Lily said sitting down placing down her empty glass and the paper Chester had slid to her.

Sunny and Faye followed the suit and pulled up chairs to the table.

Under the table Snape crawled away from Lily and the other's feet feeling they would sense his presence somehow. Jules felt him near her feet and rubbed her ankle against his shoulder making him yelp slightly.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." Jules said hastily. 

"What was that?" Sunny asked looking around.

  
"I didn't hear anybody screaming." Jules reassured her nervously.

"Oh, okay."

"Did you see what that mutt was doing to your Bro?" Faye asked sniggering.

Snape heard this and began giggling quietly under the table. Sunny heard this and snapped up in her chair, kicking Severus in the process.

"Ow!" came a cry from under the table.

"Now, I know you guys heard _that_!" Sunny exclaimed.

"...No..." Lily and Faye said in unison as Jules blushed.

"Anyway, we came hear to get your help." Lily said.

"Yeah, Lynn went postal and ran out on us and we were wondering if you could tell us something about Remus..." Faye started.

"You see, we know he tells you _everything..."_ Sunny said.

"We just wanted to know if he mentioned anything about being g-." Lily never got the last word out.  Just as she was about to ask the door flung open with a loud clatter of bells and Lynn stood shadowed in the doorway. She seemed to be standing amidst a crowd of...owls. Yes. Owls fluttering around her wildly, creating a breeze. Her gray eyes blazed as she surveyed the Three Broomsticks. Suddenly she extended her finger and shouted,

"Attack the _evil _one my brothers!" As soon as she said that all the owls swooped wildly around the bar creating a ruckus and mess everywhere they went. Glasses shattered as people leaped up from their seats to escape the madhouse of fowl she had created.

The owls pecked violently at people's heads and back as they surveyed the area for 'the evil one' suddenly one spotted a large shaggy dog laying on the floor and let out what seemed to be a battle cry. The other 20 owls stopped and responded, charging at the mutt. Sirius squealed like a helpless pig as he charged around the restaurant trying to avoid the wrath of the pissed off birds.

Lynn threw back her head and let out a freaky cackle as people rushed pass her to exit.

"What the hell is she doing?!" Lily screeched ducking an owl that swooped a little too near her head.

"Now do you see what happens when you keep animals in captivity for too long?" Sunny said calmly looking around.

"Who are you talking about, Lynn or the owls?" Faye yelled over the noise.

"She has a _thing _for owls..." Jules muttered.

"I have to go talk to her...!" Lily said making her way through the crowd of attacking birds.

"What do _we_ do till then?!" Jules questioned as a bird dropped a bit of butterbeer out of a glass it was clutching. "Eww..." she said using Lily's piece of parchment she had left under her glass to wipe her face.

"We gotta hide!" Faye screamed pulling both of them under the table.

Faye and Sunny squealed with fright as they saw Severus Snape cowering under the table.

"Err...what?" Jules asked pretending not to see anything.

Faye turned to face Sunny.

"Did you just see Severus Snape under here too?" 

"Err...yeah."

"Good girl." Faye said assuring herself that she wasn't crazy and just seeing things.

Outside people were scurrying away from the Three Broomsticks like mice.  James, Peter, Remus, and Kevin stood amidst the madness seeing if Sirius would make it out alive.

_"London Calling to the faraway towns, Now that war is declared-and battle come down..." _Kevin sang to himself.

"Kevin, I told you once, I told you twice, and I won't tell you_ three _times tohush up!-What is she doing in there still, she can get hurt!" James exclaimed frantically jumping up and down like an impatient little kid trying to glimpse a view of Lily.

"Err...your best friend is still in there too, you know." Peter said reminding James of Sirius who was still in there as a dog crashing into things as he bounded from the flock of owls that were after them. Remus frowned at the thought as he used a wet napkin to wipe of his leg.

"Frankly I wouldn't give a rat's ass if they pecked his ass in..." Remus muttered.

"You're saying my ass is no concern to you Remus?" Peter asked.

"They probably _will _peck his ass out along with a few _other _accessories, Lynn sent them in there and you know what she's like." James said still scanning for Lily.

"Oh no," Remus said dropping his napkin, "I think she had too much coffee _again_..."

Sirius duck behind the bar as the owls pecked all the bottles behind him. He took the owl's distraction as the perfect time to change back into a human. As he did the owls looked around questioningly.  
  


"A dog? I think he went that-a-way." Sirius replied sticking his thumb in the opposite direction.

The owls fluttered off out the door passing a temporarily deranged Lynn.

"Hehehe...stupid owls. And mom says I couldn't outwit a _brick._"

Jules took the opurtunity to get from under the table dragging Severus up by his collar, away from the awkward silence that flowed under the table.

"Good go!"  Jules breathed.

"But-." Severus started.

"Please just leave before Sirius sees you." Jules said wiping a smudge of dirt off his face with the same piece of parchment she used to clean the butterbeer off.

"Okay bye..." Severus muttered as Jules placed the parchment in his breast pocket.

"Sorry." Jules said pecking his cheek slightly.

Snape stumbled away speechless. He walked over tables and broken glass smiling like some class of idiot. He shook all the fluffy thoughts out of his head and looked over his shoulder at Sirius who was dusting himself off.

"Score: Snape-1, Black- 8,793.5, I'm catching up!" Snape said pleased with himself as he strolled past Lynn and Lily, who were watching the owls flutter overhead and out the door heading to Madame Pudifoot's.

"_Now, _do you know why you're not allowed to have coffee?" Lily questioned disapprovingly.

"Err...I get caffeine crazy at times?" Lynn suggested watching as Sirius approached them.

"Oh here we go again." Lily muttered in her hands.

Sirius stood in front of Lynn with his hands on his hips and a sassy grin twisted on his face.

"I like your outfit Siri!" Jules shouted from across the deserted restaurant.

"Well if you got it, you gotta work it!" Sirius replied slapping his bum.

"Ooh, you better believe this is _on _girlfriend...mmhmm..." Sirius said making little snapping motions with his hands.

Lily stood back ready to restrain Lynn yet again but Lynn just stood there glaring at her-_him. _Lynn breathed in and extended her fingers before sweeping back her flat hand and bringing it back into Sirius's face. A swift cracking noise echoed through The Three Broomsticks. Jules, Sunny, and Faye looked on not even breathing. Sirius griped his cheek and stood astounded. Soon enough he back slapped her. That's when things _really _got on. Lynn jumped on top of Sirius pinning him down and begun laying blows on his already pecked face repeatedly. He struggled and flailed his arms wildly in the air but to no avail.

"Err...shouldn't you stop them Miss _Prefect_?" Jules reminded Lily who was just leaning on a wall filing her fingernails.

"Nah...She should really get this out of her system..." 

Lynn had Sirius by the neck of his frilly rainbow shirt and was jerking him back and forth, shaking what little brain cells he had left.

"I have been waiting to do this for _years_!" Lynn screamed into Sirius's face.

"I-i-i-s t-t-that all you g-g-g-got, wussy?!" Sirius shouted as Lynn pummeled him in his stomach. 

"Come on, get up and fight me like a girl!"

"Argh!" Sirius screamed charging at her.

"Oh this is too good..." Faye said chuckling to herself.

Sirius lifted his arms and let his hands go limp at the wrist before he began slapping Lynn across the face.

"Lils?" Sunny questioned.

"Not yet."

Lynn got by Sirius fierce blows and wrapped her hands around Sirius's neck and began strangling him, ripping off his rainbow scarf in the process. He started turning various shades of purple and red before Lily gave the word to break it up.

"Ok, ok, ok battles over girls." Jules said kicking them apart.

Sirius regained his breath and began laughing uproariously.  

"Oh, great. You stopped the flow of oxygen to his head." Faye said.

Sirius wasn't laughing because of brain damage though. He was in a fit because his prank worked so well he may have gotten rid of Lynn forever. Lynn clutched a chair to refrain from lashing out again.

"You go ahead and take Remus! I'll still get my revenge!" Lynn shouted.

"Oh, honey child it's about time you gave up, Remus will be happy to know you've made the right choice. On the plus side though he has me now! I'm sexy, I'm cuddly..."

"Stop him please." Faye muttered.

Lynn just gripped the chair harder.

"I'm cute, my ass looks great in leather..."

"Restrain the mighty Hulk, Lils" sunny said pointing to Lynn.

"I can sing with a full mouth-if you get my drift- and I'm just better built to boot." Sirius finished.

"You done?" Lynn questioned tightly.

Lynn seemed to be waiting for him to finish because as soon as he did she lifted the chair high over her head and flung it in his direction. It landed with a loud thud in Sirius's gut. He let out a loud squeal and sank to the floor. Lynn wiped her hands together and stepped over Sirius to get to the door.

"You guys comin'? I gotta return those owls before Old man Rusty wakes up and finds out I stole them!" Lynn questioned.

Everyone cautiously stepped over Sirius and filed out of the place. Lynn stayed back and looked down at Sirius.

"Tell your 'boyfriend' hi from me...and if I were you I would make sure Mr. Lemmiwinks is in your dorm before nine, unless you want him to meet the same fate of your hamster..." She said referring to Sirius's old hamster that Peatree ate back on the train to Hogwarts in their first year. Sirius had been devastated and held a grudge against Lynn ever since.

She slammed to door closed with a jingle.

"She wouldn't. _Would_ she?" Sirius wondered aloud. 

Outside Lynn caught up to the girls and looked around.

"So...did any of you happen to see which ways the owls went?"

"Oh great. A day of owl hunting and detention, lucky me!" Lily said sarcastically.

**AN- Hello again! I plan on updating this again soon because frankly, I enjoy writing this fic the best.  Keep on truckin'. And by truckin' I mean reviewing... **


	7. Of Locked Doors

**Disclaimer- I don't own anything associated with Harry Potter, Scooby Doo, Dr. Seuss, Grease, or any other thing or song I _borrowed _to write this chapter.**

**AN- Well...I added a bit of a J/L moment for all those who asked. I kinda built this chapter around it so...yeah don't expect _too _much (my teacher says I have problems focusing on more than one things...Grr). I was suffering from major writer's block when I sat down to write this but luckily, the block was made of ice!  Oh yeah, and don't worry about Chester, he'll be gone soon enough, the fat peddy...Anyway, *fanfare plays gaudy yet catchy tune* on with the chapter!**

Snape slouched back in one of the black leather lounge chairs in the Slytherin common room. He rubbed his temples slightly as a somewhat crumpled piece of parchment lay on the side of his leg. Upon his return from Hogsmeade he had emptied his pockets to collect any loose change and discovered Evan's 'napkin' that Jules had slipped into his pocket at the time of his sudden departure.  Soon Snape detected the presence of another lurking behind him. He opened one of his eyes slightly to come face to face with a sneering Randolphus Black and his older and much more attractive cousin Narcissa Black.

"I don't feel like playing tag right now, Black..." Snape muttered to the fourth year, covering his eyes with his outstretched hand. Narcissa chuckled and plopped down in the seat next to Severus.

"Get out of my chair. It's mine, not yours!" Randy demanded smacking Snape on his leg with his wand like an impatient brat.

"Go_ away_! I swear it _must_ be something in the water or something at your house that makes you and your idiot brother so...urgh..." Snape deducted sighing.

"For some reason I really don't doubt it. His side of the family has always been a little..._off._" Narcissa replied, smearing some expensive makeup on her face trying to give her pale facade a bit of color to make it look as if she were actually _alive._

"Make me." Randy replied crossing his arms in front of his chest like a defiant kid and ignoring Narcissa's comment.

"Will one of you just leave already? You're ruining my concentration!" Narcissa complained, adding some mascara with a trembling hand.

"Frankly, you're the_ only _one here that would care if you poked your eye out." Randy said sincerely.

"Frankly, you're the _only _one here that would care if your stupid legs fall of from exhaustion because you can't sit down, so there!"

"...I'm gonna owl my father about this!"

"You owl your father about everything, 'Oh Father this teacher won't pass me, see if you can have him sacked! Or, 'Father someone ate the last waffle at breakfast!' that's all it is with you!" Narcissa said, scowling in Randy's direction.

"I'm leaving..." Snape growled getting up not really feeling like hearing this.

Randy let out a snide chuckle and flopped down in the chair that was previously occupied by Snape.  He spotted a piece of parchment falling to the floor as Snape began to stalk away.

"Oh, great." Narcissa muttered sarcastically.

"Hello, what's this?" Randy questioned snatching up the butterbeer stained paper. Snape spun around on his heels and reached for the paper only to have his hand slapped down by Randy who was in a full fit of giggles now.

"What does it say?" Narcissa questioned, putting down her eyelash curler.

"It's none of your business!" Snape hissed shooting him a scowl.

"Ooh, pink ink, a love letter! Aww...Snapey's got a crush_..._" Randy sat up and began to read the offending letter aloud, "_'To my Dearest Sweet, Tender, Beloved, You may already know this but I have yearned for you for quite some time. From the first moment I saw the sun rise with your smile on your enticingly gorgeous face I knew I loved you. A love that only grew stronger as the years progressed with your goddess like qualities such as your beauty of Aphrodite and the fluttering wisdom of Athena. My undying passion for you starts every morning when I wake up singing your name until I fall asleep with your sublime name still on my lips. So far I had not been able to express my undying love for you because of my sometimes brash insensitiveness but I am turning over a new leaf. You probably know my identity by now so I will leave you with the knowledge that I will forever be under the spell of your love. Much love and passion, your not-so-secret Admirer.'"  _Randy finished reading out loud in a crooning voice. By this time he was in a fit of full laughter.

"Would you shut up, I didn't even write it!" Snape growled snatching it out of his grasp.

"Of course you didn't. It sounds like it's to a _girl." _Narcissa muttered.

"What are you implying?" Snape questioned testily.

"Well it's pretty _obvious_, the way you're always tailing Potter and his friends like some kind of lovesick schoolgirl..."

"Wha- I- You- I do not act like a lovesick schoolgirl! Somebody, a _girl _wrote that to me!"

"Oh yeah?" Randy said still laughing as if the idea of Snape getting that letter was the funniest thing since Monty Python, "Who would have a crush on _you, _the crypt keeper in his prime?"

"Well, if you must know, Evans!" Snape replied sticking his abnormally large nose in the air.

"Who?" 

"You know, prefect, red hair, Gryffindor..."

"Oh, _her,"_ Narcissa spat in disgust, "She was supposed to tutor _me _in Charms, can you believe that? Who do you know that has more charm than _me?_"

"...And you made it to fifth year, how?" Snape questioned.

"_Oh..._ you mean mudblood." Randy paused before continuing to laugh ruthlessly.  Snape looked as if he wanted to shove the parchment down his throat.

"It's not like I asked for this..._Eww_...I saw her give it to Jul- _somebody _to give to me." Snape said reliving the memory of Lily's hand clutched around the piece of parchment as she approached his table.

"This is classic! Now do you see what comes from washing your hair? A mudblood has a crush on_ you_! Well now that I think about it, you two really have your common ground. You both love obsessing over Potter and his boneheaded friends..."

"There's a difference between obsessing and stalking, idiot." Narcissa snapped.

"Is there really? That's not what Malfoy told you last year..." Randy murmured with a smirk on his face.

"But that's what Professor Chester told _you._" Narcissa snarled in Randy's direction.

"...I'm olwling my father!" Randy said after understanding what she meant.

"Again with the run and tell Daddy thing!"

"...Focus...please." Snape said, waving his hands in front of his face trying to get their attention.

"On what?" Randy questioned with a blank expression on his face.

Narcissa sighed and dug in her front pocket. She pulled out a spongy round ball about the size of an orange.

"I have a ball. Don't take your eyes off the ball. Now," she made a throwing motion with her hand. "Go get the ball, boy."

Randy scoffed. "I'm not some kind of stupid house elf, what makes you think I'll get the ball?"

"Because, when you squeeze that ball the sample of the sleeping potion you bought from Severus for your stupid exam tomorrow leaks out and if you don't catch it your grade and your new prized Italian Dragon scale boots from Daddy both go fluttering out the window...literally." Narcissa explained in a know-it-all voice.

"You _bitch._" Randy exclaimed, in shock, gripping his boots lovingly.

"Ohh, looky Severus someone left a _window _open."

Randy scuffled off towards the direction where the sponge ball bounced off to. Narcissa jerked the not out of Severus's hand as she turned to him.

"What do I do?" Snape whined in a voice very unlike his own. "I already like...somebody..."

"Oh yes, Narcissa is all about pining after girls...well she _used _to, before the _operation_." Randy snickered from the other side of the room.

"Hey that window's getting bigger! *cough* Comet 160 *cough*" Narcissa sputtered.

Randy immediately got back to searching under the couch frantically.

"Well, it's a simple solution. Get it through her very very very thick skull that you _are _a Slytherin and you will hate mudbloods no matter how _desperate _and _pathetic_ you are." Narcissa said suppressing a yawn.

"So very desperate and pathetic." Randy muttered.

"Yeah you're right...Do I _really_ come off as _desperate _and_ pathetic_?"

"...I won't answer that, sake of your...'feelings'." Narcissa said after a while.

"How do I get this other girl to like me? I mean, it's not like I actually _care _though...she's just some girl." Snape added hastily.

"It would be a different situation if it was some boy?" Randy questioned with a fascinated smirk growing on his face.

"Don't you have some ball to find?"

"I really wanna help you!"

"Fine what would you do?"

"Well...I'd get a bat, knock her one good one in the side of the head, drag her in a closet-" Randy started.

"Severus doesn't need your _one-minute_ plans!" Narcissa commented, interrupting Randy.

"Well then...I'd get a bat, a jar of honey and then jinx her to make her think she's a bee, smear the honey on-"

"None of you're perverted plans please and that means no bats!" Severus warned him.

"Then I'd-" 

"No _bats!" _Narcissa and Severus screamed in unison.__

_"Fine! _Does she know that your father is one of the governors of the school?" Randy questioned looking a bit peeved that nobody wanted his brilliant plans.

"...I think so." 

"Threaten to write your father." Randy said like it as the most obvious thing to do.

"...That might work..." Snape said stroking his chin in thought.

"No it won't. Come on idiot; humor us with some more of your genius ideas" Narcissa spat at Randy.

"Well, did you try to bribe her already?" 

"Severus's father doesn't shower him in money and goods every day like _yours _Randolphus." Narcissa said exasperatly sighing.

"Well then I give up! Those are the only ways I can think of how _Snape _can get a girl! Now Severus, if you don't mind, can you get off your ass and go brew me _another _sleeping potion so I can pass tomorrow and get another pair of boots from father? Because I see this maniac really _has _thrown the ball out the freakin' window!"Randy demanded, leaning over the windowsill onto the grounds where the ball lay floating in a puddle of murky red liquid that was quickly disappearing in the earth.

"Here." Narcissa said thrusting the ruffled parchment in Severus's hands roughly. "Give her this note. You don't have much going for you but maybe she's stupid and will believe on the whole 'inside beauty' thing." Narcissa said straining to show some compassion.

"Gee, thanks." Severus replied sarcastically.

"And whatever you do, don't scowl... or whine...or talk about potions...or get caught by her around Potter and his gang, he'll make an ass out of you and there's enough of _that _to your image...don't go near a broom...-" Narcissa said, ticking off each thing as she said it.

"_Thanks." _Snape growled, heading for the stairs.

"And for goodness sake, wash your hair!" Narcissa shouted after him.

"I don't think we should bother him now, Padfoot. He said he needed some time_ alone_." Peter whimpered bending over pick up one of Sirius's six _Ultra Silky Smooth _shampoo bottles, only succeeding in dropping two of the other five he was gripping in his arm. They had just returned from the prefect's bathroom on there search for Remus. Needless to say he was not there but Sirius just _had_ to stop to wash his hair...

"Puh. He just broke up with some chick...he's a _guy_, not some pining little schoolgirl, he should have been over it about...an hour and forty-five minutes ago." Sirius remarked idly glancing down at his watch.

"That's how long it would take _you_ to get over something like this and you don't count because you don't have real feelings _or _a conscience _or _compassion and I'm starting to get suspicions about you actually having a heart!" Peter reprimanded sharply.

Sirius just chuckled aloofly and continued his long strides down the shifting staircase.

"What do you think he's doing?" Peter whispered as he scrambled to catch up to Sirius. They we're taking a stroll in the darkening castle from the Prefect's Bathrooms where Remus told them he would be taking refuge after Sirius had told him Lynn was long gone. And that was two hours ago.

"Oh, who knows, Wormtail... he's probably still bawling like a baby wandering blindly down the hall's screaming her name." Sirius replied speeding up his pace with his head down and eyes scanning the empty halls. 

"Why would he be doing that?" 

"That's what she's trained him to do, duh." Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"It's _pathetic_." Sirius spat.

"And sardonic." Peter added.

"It's _sadistic."_

"Yet psychotic."

"...We're rhyming like this is some Dr. Seuss book." Sirius pointed out laughing slightly.

"The only reason Dr. Seuss rhymes is because he gets high before writing every book, that's how he comes up with all those words too! I mean, what the hell is a Wocket or a Snookle Dorkle, or a-a-a _Barbaloot Suit_? And why, pray tell, is the Grinch and that stupid cat in the hat and all the other fairy tale thingies naked?! Puh..._Wocket_ in my pocket indeed...I would never let my baby sister read that _smut."_ Peter said, scrunching up his face in disgust.

"Haven't you ever pondered the real meaning of 'Hop on Pop'? And exactly what's with the little stalker guy on speed offering tainted eggs and ham?" Sirius asked scoffing.

"...We're not focusing here! We have to save Remus, before he does the unthinkable!" Peter said shaking his head.

"Yes, let's stop him before he goes around painting murals of her on the wall..." Sirius muttered sarcastically. 

"Well we should be worried! He seemed pretty upset when he left the dorm." Peter whispered, saying the understatement of the year.  Remus had completely blown his top when Sirius told him that Lynn had left him. He had completely caused a fit and thrown heavy objects at a darting Sirius and ranting and raving that Sirius had single handedly screwed up _everything. _When he finally stepped out of the dorm claiming he needed some 'alone' time Sirius and Peter had both been hiding under the bed, away from the wrath.

"He'll thank me later. To think he could have actually stayed together with her until he- he-." Sirius stated, making wild hand movements with his hands.

"Left Hogwarts?" Peter suggested meekly.

"Yes! She'd probably shack up with Moony somewhere in this secluded disco/ranch -like on that crappy movie- and reduce him to dressing up like a French maid or something _kinkishly_ sick every night so she can drape him across her lap every night to spank him and tell him what a very _bad _boy he's been! and he'd never be a free man again! How do ya think he would like that? Huh? Huh?!" Sirius said demonstrating his bad habit of jabbing his finger into people's chest.

"Err... Padfoot, you had a lot of time to think about this haven't you? Anyway I get this sick vibe that Moony would actually _enjoy_ that...treatment"

"Just because you would like it doesn't mean he will, you twisted rat!" Sirius hollered as they turned the hall leading to the kitchens.

"...You really _do_ think he'll thank you for humping his leg, huh?" Peter questioned trying to change the subject briskly.

Sirius just snorted in reply while reaching for the Marauder's Map again to see what password they should use to trespass on house elf territory which was what Peter had suggested Remus was when they discovered he had left the Prefect's Bathroom. 

"Probably the most action he's gotten in _weeks_- no, no, _months_." Sirius boasted with a cheesy grin spreading across his face.

"Actually, just the other night- you probably couldn't hear over your snoring but-she came into the room with him and-" Peter started drumming his pudgy fingers together sheepishly.

"_Eww!_ I thought you only slept under_ James's _bed! Don't tell me you've been collecting Remus's sweat _too_..." Sirius said scrunching up his face in disgust.

"Every time I go under James's bed there's dirty underwear end up crawling up my shirt..."

"_Too_ much information! Let's see..._where's _the map?" Sirius said to a confused Peter.

"Thought you had it." Peter said simply.

"I gave it to you!" Sirius said raising his voice.

"I asked Kevin to hold it while I got _your_ shampoo out of the shower before we left!"

"Oh, great, Kevin the reliable!" Sirius said sarcastically as he sighed.

"I'll just find Kevin and tell him-." Peter started to turn away before Sirius grabbed his collar.

"Don't bother! He only comes around me at the worst possible time, never when I actually _need _him..."

"Or when you sing-"

"We're _not_ singing." Sirius said flatly, shuddering at the thought.

"But what if we-."

"No singing!"

"Fine! Sheesh, just tickle the fruits then..." Peter said pointing to the statue bowl.

"Which one, Genius?"

"I think it's the pear." 

Sirius tickled the pear lightly and immediately the entrance began to reveal itself.  Sirius cocked an eyebrow at Peter.

"I should have _known _you would remember how to get in the kitchens..." he muttered as he stepped in and gazed around. 

No Remus.

James Potter swaggered down the potions corridor dragging an empty burlap sack labeled Dung bombs in one hand and his invisibility cloak n the other. He didn't see the reason to wear his cloak when the whole place was deserted. He approached the potions classroom door and looked inside hoping not to see anybody. He didn't but what he saw was strange all the same. The whole place was lit dim and scented candles placed around the whole room filtered through the darkness to reveal torn and grubby looking silk sheets covering his main desk and some of the cabinets.  James thought the entire place needed was some cheesy saxophone in the background to make it the perfect set for some low budget porn movie. Not seeing Chester around anywhere James decided to take a chance and slid stealthily into the room and made his way to Chester's desk. He yanked up the silk sheet covering and pondered what drawer to raid first.

"Ha, looks like Professor Chester will be repaying me back for a lost lunch after all." James said to no one in particular as he yanked opened the first drawer.

"What the-?" James started making retching sounds as held up a grubby looking pair of underwear that looked like it was big enough to hide away the Russian circus (why have I been saying that all day?!). In many places it was torn and baggy as if despite its enormous size it had _still _been stretched out. James didn't dare to sniff the offending briefs, just tossed them as far as he could when he spotted some dried up white stains on the faded black fabric.

"I feel violated in more than... 32 ways right now, so I'll just take my dungbombs and leave..." James said, thinking aloud.

James continued to sift through the drawers that contained endless playboy magazines and for some odd reason _a lot _of leather whips until he came upon a cabinet labeled Confiscated in big dark letters.

"Hmm...You'd think I would've checked this one first..." He said to himself.

"Why the heck am I talking to myself? Urgh...I must be missing Sirius." James said shaking his head. "Where the hell are those guys anyway?!" he questioned himself returning to his work.

He dug out random confiscated magazines and about all the meaningless notes Sirius had wrote over the years containing phrases like 'who farted?', 'who threw the biscuit?!' and 'No it is _not_ my upper lip Remus!'. Behind all the junk there was a medium sized burlap sack identical to the empty one in his hand except this one read _Very innocent inconspicuous bag containing No dungbombs whatsoever, Property of Sirius Black _in big letters. James grinned and snatched the sack and replaced it with his empty one.

"And now to lay my precious eggs..." he muttered looking around the room, patting the sack tentatively. 

_"Do I hear whispering down there?"_ questioned a Chester in a sing song voice from the top of the stairs leading to his office.

James ducked back behind the desk and watched in horror as Chester waddled down the stairs wearing nothing but a _tight _pair of flesh colored underwear that had curvy red letters on the backside that read '_I've Grinded up all the Spanish Flies in Spain, Baby...' _which was mostly covered by endless amounts of drooping, sweaty fat mostly covered by a disturbingly thick rug of thick red hair. James turned into the space under the desk to conceal himself. He glanced at the Professor again as he waddled up to the desk and looked at all the dishelved files and scowled. He placed what looked like a variety of scented candles down and proceeded to fix his stuff.

"I'll have to talk to Mr. Filch about that damn cat, messing up my room when I have a _guest_ arriving none the less..." he muttered to himself with a nasty grin on his face.

_"Guest?" _James thought, scrunching up his face.

Chester swung his legs from under the table and proceeded to wrap himself in the red velvet robe and then retreat to his seat.

James looked around pleadingly hoping to see some means of escape. He suddenly remembered earlier when Remus had destroyed their dorm in a full rage. Remus had tore through everyone's belongings, even his own. In the midst of objects he had thrown at his friends had been his secret chocolate stash he kept hidden securely under his bed. Remus kept enough chocolate to put Honeydukes to shame so James didn't think he would mind if he snagged a few bars for the road. James dug deep down in his pocket feeling around for any signs of chocolate life. Finally, he struck gold when his fingers reached a gooey, icky substance at the bottom of his pocket, underneath all the filth and lint. 

_'Ewww.......' _James thought silently as he pulled out a disfigured and half melted chocolate bar which was leaking out onto his hand. Being stuck in a stuffed pocket for over two hours had not done the poor thing well, he observed.

_'You'd have to be the greediest, most fowl glutton to fall for-' James_ thoughts were interrupted by a loud sniffing noise coming from above him. He froze with utter terror as the noise grew louder and drew closer to him. It sounded like a lion sniffing out his latest victim for dinner. 

"Mmm...Chocolate..." James heard a low trance-like voice grumble.

_'Uh oh...' _

"Me hungry..." he snarled in an almost savage-like way.

James immediately threw the chocolate as far from himself as he could, which was far at the other end of the class behind a stack of broken and melted cauldrons. He then attempted to wipe his hands clean of the scent of chocolate before he ended up missing fingers. Chester didn't even hear the scrambling and frantic rubbing of fabric that came from under his desk as he flew right out of his recliner and to the edge of the classroom, searching frantically for the source of the tempting chocolaty scent that was taunting his nose. 

"Err, Professor?" James squeaked out meekly as he crawled out slowly from under the desk. Just as he planned, Chester didn't look up as he was too busy scrambling around for the melted chocolate bar. James managed to ease his way out of the classroom unnoticed with his invisibility cloak in one hand and Padfoot's dungbomb booty (teehee...) in the other.

"Brr...." James said too himself, shuddering involuntarily. "That guy's got _issues..."_

Lily stalked down towards the dreary potions corridors slowly, dreading her first detention immensely. 

"How could _I _get a detention?" she asked herself for like the millionth time. "I'm a prefect for crying out loud! Urgh...its all because of that...fat drunkard Chester..." she continued grumbling as she kicked at the floor out of her frustration.

Her bitter thoughts were interrupted by a loud creaking noise echoing through the halls coming from a closet door that had just swung open ever so slowly. Lily stopped dead in her tracks and stared at the door for a moment. She thought she had seen a dark shadow creep into the closet swiftly. Lily thought about this cautiously. Dark shadows, in a dark, deserted hall, all alone...with her. Definitely not good. Especially since jumping out of closets into her was something Potter was good at. And of course Lily wasn't in the mood to deal with him. In fact she was _never _in the mood for that. But what if it wasn't Potter? On the other note, shadows meant people. And people creeping around dark halls so near to curphew _had _to be breaking some sort of rule. And rule breakers meant Prefect Lily not having to spend who knows how many hours _alone _with Chester which was worst than five James Potters. Correction, just as bad.

"Who is that?" she called out in her 'authoritive Prefect' voice.

Silence answered her call. Her thin red eyebrows creased down on her forehead out of frustration as she stepped closer to the closet which slammed as soon as she reached out to grab the handle. 

"Ha! I know you're in there! Do you know it's...nearing eight forty-five? That's only fifteen minutes until curphew! I'm afraid if you don't step out of this closet right away, I'll be forced to dock house points _along _with a detention.

Lily glanced down at the doorknob which was vibrating a bit as if a shaking hand was holding it on the other side. Finally, the door slowly began to glide open inches at a time. Lily stood back and grinned widely, satisfied that she still had her touch. Lily peered into the closet but all that met her eyes was darkness and more darkness...along with a few cleaning supplies. 

"What the-?" she started but was cut off when a pale hand reached out and grabbed her by her front robes violently. She was too shocked too retaliate in anyway when another thin pale hand lashed out and dragged her into the closet, making her drop her wand suddenly, closing the door behind her.

When she finally realized she was now in the closet accompanying whoever this freak she was reached down behind her to make a swift grab for the doorknob. It rattled in her hand as she attempted to kick down the door but to no avail. 

"It's locked!" she exclaimed helplessly as she tried to beat down the door. She felt an icy hand cover her mouth fully and she jumped from surprise. 

"Shut _up _Evans!" she heard a cold voice hiss. A vaguely familiar cold voice.

Lily felt a thin arm slither past her side as the mystery person reached for the doorknob to try it himself. Just as Lily had said, the doorknob jingled uselessly, not budging, making the mystery person curse loudly.

"Oh great...trapped in here with a stupid mudblood!" the voice grumbled. 

Mudblood? This term only could by uttered by a-

"_Slytherin!" _Lily gasped against the hand, which clamped down tighter in response. Lily bit down on the hand fiercely resulting in the Slytherin letting out a loud howl.

"Ew, mudblood spit! Get it off me!"

"Now, who are you?" Lily questioned in a quivering voice, pressing her back flat against the door, as far away from the freak as she could get.

Lily heard nothing but silence for a fleeting moment followed by a slow mummer of words. A spell that Lily recognized as a more advanced version of Lumos. Suddenly the tip of the person's wand ignited in a tiny blue flame. Lily practically held her breath as the wand drew ever so closer to the person's face. The blue flame flickered off of the pale, drawn face of (I'll give you one guess.) Severus Snape.

_"Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!" _Lily screeched. 

"Sirius did you hear something?" Peter questioned pausing in his steps allowing Sirius to walk ahead of him.

"...No, I don't _think _I heard Evans..." Sirius replied thoughtfully, plopping down at the foot of the statue of Ishtar the Inquisitive. He ran an annoyed hand through his now tousled raven hair and sighed.

"Oh, okay." Peter responded as he plopped down next to Sirius pulling out a chocolate filled éclair he managed to swipe from the kitchens.

Sirius stared at his friend with a look of disgust and guilt etched on his handsome face. 

"How can you eat that without thinking of our poor, poor, lost, woe begotten Remus, who could be out there in this great cold world, staggering about drunkenly, looking vainly for someone to scratch behind his scruffy ears or worse and show him some love or worse, looking vainly for a place to die..." Sirius muttered in a pitiful voice rather overdramatically in Peter's opinion.  

"...Why do you always talk about us as if we were _dogs?_" Peter pointed out, letting out a little chuckle. Sirius seemed to ignore him and let out an exasperated sigh.

"Where could he be? We looked all over this castle-" Sirius continued, ignoring Peter.

"What do you mean the whole castle? All we did was go through the kitchens, go back to this statue, and circle the kitchen three more times!" 

"...It doesn't matter! He's gone forever-!"

"Because you practically raped him, in front of everybody nonetheless!" Peter added.

"This wouldn't have happened if Lysandra wasn't so evil!" Sirius retorted.

"No, this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't decided to cross dress and seduce him..." Peter corrected matter of factly, licking the smeared chocolate from around his face. Sirius scowled at him.

"...you know I can't control the stupid things I do, it's her fault!" Sirius defended himself unsurely.

"She came to our dorm and forced you to wear that and hump her boyfriend's leg?" Peter questioned sarcastically.

"...Exactly!"

Peter sighed hopelessly as he continued licking the chocolate off of his hands. Every lick Peter made just reminded Sirius more of his lost friend, probably too weak and depressed to even chase his own tail or to chase a ball-wait, he _was _thinking about a dog...

"We'll gonna find him!" Sirius declared standing up suddenly.

"No...We're not." Peter replied boredly, not even bothering to get up.

"We are!" Sirius replied, yanking him up by his collar forcefully.

"No, were really not. You may be book smart but Remus is more _brain_ smart than both of us combined." Peter pointed out, making Sirius stop dead in his tracks. Sirius opened his mouth to protest but stopped when he saw Peter shaking his head, silently advising him not to.

"You think he doesn't know were looking for him? He's hiding somewhere he knows we'd never go." 

"...There's always that rare occurrence that you say something worthwhile, Wormtail."

"So we'll never find him."

"All we have to do is rule out all the places _we'd _go to. So...the kitchens, Hogsmeade, the kitchens, outside, the kitchens..."

"He's on the fifth floor." Peter exclaimed out loud.

"What?" Sirius asked clearly puzzled. "Why would he be on...the muggle studies floor?"

"Because you were banned from it!" Peter exclaimed triumphantly.

"I'm not banned! I was just up there two weeks ago playing that video game thingamajigger pong!" Sirius stated.

"Err, that's why you're banned. You were up there for over four days straight. You refused to leave and they owled your parents and told them you took up residence."

"...I beat my high score!" Sirius exclaimed merrily after reminiscing for about five minutes.

"Right...I'm sure you did."

"So let's go." Sirius said, walking on once again.

"Didn't you hear one word I said?!"

"Yeah, you told me my hair was beautiful, then you said 'Oh Great, caring Sirius, our good friend Remus who you helped out tremendously can be found on the fifth floor where you so bravely ventured to break your Pong record once again,' I heard you loud and clear." Sirius replied seriously, not turning around to face Peter as he raced towards the stairs. 

"You and your selective hearing..." Peter muttered.

"Oh stop your worrying. We'll just make a little check on the fifth floor and if he's not there we'll bait the traps with chocolate tonight."

"But it's already ten past nine! Curphew, remember?" Peter desperately grabbed for something to get Sirius back to the dorm as his eyes darted around the dark and deserted corridor nervously.

"Aww...come on." Sirius replied continuing his way up the stairs.

Peter hesitated before following as he heard lightning crack somewhere off into the distance, briefly lighting the stairway path through the window. His eyes flashed to the window briefly where he could clearly see dark storm clouds hovering over Hogsmeade, threatening to invade the clear Hogwarts night sky.

"...That can't be a good sign." he muttered as he trailed after Sirius.

"What do you want Snape?" Lily asked through a quivering voice. After all, Slytherins didn't usually pull her into random closets for no reason.

"What do you think?" he spat back acidly.

Lily eyed Snape up and down rather suspiciously before her eyes widened and she turned back to the door and began to beat down the door yet again.

"Oh please, someone save me from this sick bastard!!!!" she screeched frantically, attempting to knock down the door before Snape's had slid up to her mouth once again.

"You stupid mudblood, don't flatter yourself. I wouldn't waste my time...doing _that _to you! Who do I look like, Potter? Now, when I take my hand off your mouth you better keep it shut! Is that understood?" 

Lily considered it for a moment before nodding vigorously.

"All right." Snape said removing his hand from her face. This was clearly a mistake because as he did this Lily stood on her tip toes directly across from his ear and let out a deafening screech.

"You stupid whore!"

"Filthy Slytherin!"

"...Evil Mudblood!" he retorted rubbing his ear with his free hand.

"Asshole wannabe rapist jerk guy!"

"...For the last time I don't wanna rape _you _of all people!!!" he snarled viciously at her.

"Eek!" Lily shrieked backing away from him once again.

"Didn't I tell you to shut up?" 

"Your head! Put it out, put it out!" she said waving frantically. Snape looked to the side where the blue flame tip of his wand was sparking on his hair.

"Holy shit!" he exclaimed as his whole head ignited quicker than a pile of oily rags, the exact thing the grease in his hair was equivalent to. He threw his wand somewhere in the darkness and its blue tip went out.

"Put it out, put it out!" Lily squealed, edging towards the locked door.

"Put me out, put me out!" he whined, frantically fanning his hair to no avail.

_"Goodness gracious great balls of fire! You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain-" _a lofty voice sounded outside the door. Lily instantly recognized this voice. Who else walked around the castle singing random songs?

"Kevin, help! The fire's gonna spread!" Lily begged desperately banging on the door.

_"Too much love drives a man insane-" _

"Were _not _doing what you think you sicko!" Snape said between howls of anguish as he covered his head with a dirty rag he found on the floor while searching for his wand blindly.

_"You broke my will, what a thrill, and Goodness gracious Great balls of fire!" _Kevin continued as he struggled evidently with the door.

"Don't you have a wand?!"

"..._Help, I need somebody, help! Not just anybod-" _Kevin responded changing his tune.__

"Then go get help you useless idiot!" Snape screeched.

"Does nobody in this lousy castle carry their wand?" Lily asked exasperatedly as she searched idleness for Snape's wand. Suddenly her knee hit a bucket on wheels and a cloudy liquid splashed slightly against her skirt.

"Please don't be flammable..." Lily whispered as she doused Severus him the dirty pail of mop water, leaving him sputtering and coughing in disgust. He managed to sputter out some slightly recognizable words to Lily, surprisingly Lily understood every word.

"Well, what the hell did you want me to do, wait until you set the whole closet on fire?! Sheesh, wash your hair once in a while, it's a fire hazard...literally!" she hollered. Hurling the now empty bucket at him.

_"Help me if you can, I'm feeling down..." _Kevin sang lightly as he drifted aimlessly up and down the empty corridors searching for somebody who actually thought of bringing their wand out.

James followed the sound of Kevin's frantic song through the darkness. It was past curphew so the lights were cut out but through the quick flashes of the lightning in the distance James made out Kevin's worried face.

"Kevin, what's up?" James questioned his clearly perturbed roommate.

_"And I do appreciate you being 'round..." _

"Yeah, what's his problem?"

_"Help her get her feet back on the ground..." _Now usually, James was just as clueless as Sirius when it came to understanding Kevin. But this was different. James could understand _anything _when it came to Lily.

"What?! She's locked in a closet with who? Snape?!"

_"Won't you please, please help me?" _

"I'm on my way Lily!" James replied dashing off in the opposite direction.

"_Help me. Help me, oooh..." _Kevin said softly to himself, a wide grin spreading across his face. 

"..."

"..."

"...You're stupid friend isn't coming back is he?" a slightly smoking Severus Snape muttered in a bitter voice. He didn't have to have light to know Lily was scowling at him.

"Well, we wouldn't have to if a certain idiot hadn't pulled me in here." she spat angrily at him.

"How dare a pathetic mudblood like yourself call me an idiot?"

"Idiot!"

Snape jerked around to face her, eyeing her dangerously through the darkness.

"Don't you **dare **let that word escape your mouth while you are in my presence!"

There was a short silence as Lily drew in a deep breath. She grabbed the front collar of his robes and pulled his face close to hers.

"Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot!" 

"...This little hard to get game may work on Potter but if you _ever _plan on a snagging a _sane _guy, let alone _me _you should learn how to treat people with respect and not just sending little fan girl letters_._" Snape muttered, glaring intently into her emerald eyes.

"Snape...What the hell do you think you're talking about?!"

"Like you don't know!" 

"I _don't!" _

"Oh really, what's this then?" Snape questioned bitterly, holding out a crumpled piece of parchment.

"I can hardly see my hand in front of my face, how do you expect me to see that?"  
  


"_Here!"_ he screamed slamming the note down in her palm. "Get it through your head mudblood, I _hate_ Gryffindors, I _hate _Mudbloods, and I _hate _you!"  Snape hollered as the closet door flew open.

Snape looked blankly at their rescuer before fixing his face in a scowl and adding,

"And _you!" _

"I'm free!" Lily exclaimed happily as she rushed past James and swiped up her wand from the floor.

"Snape!" James exclaimed, drawing his wand.

"Potter," Snape snarled in response. 

"You, you, you..._animal_! What have you done to my darling Lily?!" 

"Don't call me that." Lily responded automatically.

"...Excuse me?" Snape questioned as he reached over to get his wand from behind a bunch of damp mops.

"You heard me you...cad." James said, narrowing his eyes sharply.

"Idiot."

"You're _both _idiots..." Lily muttered to herself.

"Half-wit."

"Blood traitor!" Snape accused. "Falling for a mudblood, you should rather die than reduce your pathetic self to that!" Snape screeched through the dark hall. It fell deeply silent when Snape said that. A bolt of lightning flashed in the distance and revealed the satisfied smirk he wore on his face.

"You-take-that-back." James choked out bitterly. The heat of his anger was slowly rising on his face.

"No."

"Yes!"

"Will you two knock it off?"

"No!"

"Yes, you slimy bastard!"

"Make me!" Snape spat out right before James leaped off his feet and collided with Snape's midsection, tackling him to the stony floor, pummeling him with punches.

"...I'm not gonna interfere with this. The idiots deserve what they get." Lily announced to the empty corridor. Lily stepped gingerly over where the two boys wrestled about, grunting and cursing on the floor and picked up a long silvery cloak that James had been carrying with him.

"I'm gonna borrow this Potter. I don't need another detention for being out after cuphew...you're obviously too occupied to use it right now, right?" she asked turning toward the entangled pair.

James didn't respond as Snape had his gangly arms encircled tightly around his neck. He kicked and squirmed his legs about until he worked his arm around and decked Snape in his back, making him yelp out in surprise.

"Wha-?" James managed to respond to Lily right before Snape's foot collided with his side.

"Exactly." Lily replied throwing the cloak over her head and continuing down the dark path.

"Sirius!" Peter squeaked out reaching for the end of his friend's cloak. He couldn't help the fact that lightning made him jumpy, even when it was miles away.

"What Peter?" Sirius answered clearly irritated.

"Why's it so dark?"

"That's what happens when you turn off the lights." Sirius explained slowly, ripping his cloak free of Peter's death grip. At that moment a bolt of lightning crashed under the nearing storm clouds, making Peter jump up in the air from fright.

"We should go into a class." Peter suggested shakily.

"Why?"

"I doubt Remus will be standing in the middle of the hall waiting to greet us..."

"Well Mr. Genius which room do we start in?"

Another bolt of lightning.

"Does it really matter?!"

"...Yes."

"Does not! They all connect anyway!" Peter claimed scrambling for the first door he saw, the muggle electronics classroom. 

"Good thinking. Remus is probably in here trying to beat my score on Pong." Sirius replied snapping as he followed Peter into the dark room.

Peter scurried into the room and plopped down in the first chair he saw and began panting deeply as if he had just completed a mile run.

"...It's dark in here too, you know." Sirius pointed out.

"I'm not afraid of the dark!" Peter defended himself. His friends always made wisecracks about him being afraid of everything he couldn't eat which was in most part true.

"You're afraid of a wee bit of lightning?"

"Yes."

"But its miles away!" Sirius exclaimed. Though Peter couldn't see him he was sure he heard a grin spread over his face.

"It makes me jumpy!"

"Right...you do know there are windows in here too, don't you?"  Sirius added as an after thought as lightning crashed in a distance followed by a low grumble of thunder.

"Eep! Sirius, turn on the lights!" Peter begged, taking cover under the seat he had flew out of.

"I've been trying to. The eleckytricity they run on this floor must be out...I thought you weren't afraid of the dark."

"Let's get out of here!" Peter said as he walked towards the door leading to the exit. He wrapped his shaky hand around the knob. "Remus could find his- uh oh." 

"Find his uh-oh? I reckon he's found that quite a while ago." 

"It's locked!" Peter exclaimed in a shrill voice.

"Really?"

"Yes! Were stuck inside a dark classroom with lightning and scary stuff! Were gonna die..." Peter whined frantically.

"Get a grip, Tubby Buddy, are you a wizard or aren't you? Alohamora? Just whip out your wand and-"

"It's with the map!" Peter wailed, well near tears.

"Where's the map?"

"With Kevin!"

"...You...dumbass." Sirius remarked clearly speechless.

"Where's _your _wand?" Peter questioned in a suspicious voice.

"You gave it to Corky the house elf so I could carry some of your moon pies you dope!" Sirius screamed as he hurled a smashed moon pie Peter's way.

"What're we gonna do?" Peter asked helplessly trying to shift the subject.

"You said the classrooms connect, and Remus is in one of these classes right?" Sirius said, walking to the side of the classroom where a room marked _Muggle Mythology _was.

"...Right."  Peter managed to get out.

"Then come on." Sirius said motioning for Peter to follow though he was sure Peter couldn't see a hand in front of his face.

Peter stumbled over clumsily to Sirius and went through the door along with him. Their shoes made a quiet clacking noise against the tile floor that echoed throughout the vast room making the atmosphere a tad bit eerie.  That, along with his own heavy breathing, was all Peter could hear besides the lightning that was threatening to kill him.

"...Say something Sirius." said Peter, trying to break the silence.

"...This reminds me of a horror movie-"

"Stop talking!"

"No really, it does. In fact _all _good horror movies have teenagers wandering around in the dark aimlessly until some class of beast." Sirius stated matter-of-factly.

"Kind of like _Scooby Doo?_" Peter asked hopefully. Sirius knew he had a soft spot for stupid muggle cartoons.

"Scooby Doo is hippy porn." Sirius replied flatly.

"What?! Is not!"

"Right...they're always riding around in the broke down Volkswagen truck with a _mysterious_ fog wafting from the suspiciously _large_ back seat where Scooby, Shaggy, and Velma sit there all alone most of the time with their little munchies-"

"That doesn't mean its porn!"

"What do you _think _Daphne and Fred are doing when the gang 'splits up'?" 

"...Good point."

"...So Petey, what's your favorite scary movie?" Sirius croaked in a purposely creepy voice.

"Sirius don't!"

"What? Just making conversation..."

"I don't like scary movies!"

"Oh..._My _favorite is that one with um...John Travolta and err, that Australian chick, they spend all summer on the beach doing it and crap, and then they go back to school and sing about...grease lightning and all that crap, and he's a greaser and she's a regular Tina Tightbox...and err, he acts like a James in front of his friends so she hates him...and in the end they resolve all their problems because the Australian chick becomes a whore-"

"_Grease? _That's not a scary movie!" Peter said to his babbling friend.

"Puh. You haven't seen John Travolta try to hit those high notes...he sounds like someone hitting a violin over a baby." Sirius replied grinning to his little friend.

James couldn't believe his rotten luck. First, Remus got all pissy and clobbered him with things after totally trashing his dorm, then his friends abandoned him yet again, he would probably have to get his eyes scolded by boiling water to cleanse his eye of the scene he had witnessed in Chester's class, he had almost got his ass beat by _Severus Snape_ of all people, _and _Lily had run off with his invisibility cloak.

But the last one wasn't so bad, he thought. Now he had a _legitimate _reason to follow Lily. That's how he found himself where he was now, out on the dark Hogwarts grounds. The moist air whipped his face as he stared up at the half cloudless night sky intently.

"A storm's a-brewin'..."he noted to himself as he stumbled around aimlessly through the night searching for Lily. He was positive he saw a few of her ginger hairs which had neglected to be covered by the cloak, drift out here. He was even more sure when he saw that she left one of the double doors leading outside cracked open a bit, as if she had wanted him to follow, though part of his brain highly doubted that.

"Evans!" James called out as he walked towards the edge of the lake under his favorite tree. Only the swift whistling of the wind answered him back though. 

"Eeeevvvvvaaaaaaannnnnsssssss!!!-" James started out before a hand clamped over his mouth quickly. An _invisible _hand.

"Keep your voice down, will you?" Lily hissed sharply, drawing down the hood of the cloak, revealing her head. Her face was pink from the brisk chill of the wind slapping against her face and she never looked more beautiful according to James.

He let out a delighted squeal that sounded suspiciously like 'Lily Dear, you've come back to me!' as Lily rolled her eyes. 

"I've told you not to call me Lily Dear as much as you've told Snape not to call me Mudblood..." she mumbled, allowing her hand to rest over James's warm mouth for a moment longer. Right up until the point where James took a chance and ran his moist tongue briefly over the palm of Lily's hand.

"Eww!" she squealed as she rubbed her hand frantically against the front of James's shirt, as if trying to give him back any of his germs.

"Why you-" she growled as she drew her flat palm back and towards James face before pausing abruptly as James winced and grabbed out for her hand.

"Please, don't you think I've taken enough beatings for you for this evening?" James questioned as Lily's hand fell slowly back to her side.

"I didn't ask you to beat up Snape! You think I _wanted _you to get hurt?" Lily screeched out defensively.

"...Is that a trick question?" James asked genuinely confused.

Lily sighed as she plopped down on the edge of the vast lake. 

"Just look at you! You're a mess!" She exclaimed at James who just stood above her grinning blankly as if he was in a trance. His hair seemed more dishelved than usual but that could've just been from him ruffling his own hair and not the fight. There was a trail of dried blood seeping under his nose along with a few bruises that had already started to form. And from what Lily could see on is arm through his torn sleeve there was...a bite mark?

"He _bit _you?" Lily questioned unbelieving.

"I know, I'll have to get all my shots again..." James replied jokingly as he gingerly sat down on the waters front like Lily. Lily couldn't help but crack a smile at his light attitude, but this smile faded away slightly when she realized how close he was scooting over the grass towards her.

"No." Lily stated flatly.

"No what? I can't sit here?"  
  


"No." Lily repeated making a shooing motion with her hands.

"Let me get this straight, I rescue you from the Snivellus's wrath-"

Lily let out a short derisive noise. That had hardly been a wrath. More like a moron fumbling around a dark closet with the delusion that any woman besides his mother could _ever _want him.

"-You run off with my cloak, and now I'm not allowed to sit within a foot of you?" James finished, staring at Lily. Lily looked considerate for a moment before se responded.

"That is correct." Lily stated flatly. James stared at her with his usual cocky grin before replanting himself in his sitting position. He saw the pondering stare he was getting from Lily and answered her silent question.

"This is eleven inches and 3/4, not a foot, Lily Dear," James replied grinning at her.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?" Lily exclaimed throwing up her arms.

"How many times have I called you that?"

"Every time I get stuck with you alone or about...43,9976 times!" Lily announced to a shocked James. He didn't expect her to keep count.

"Then...43,997_7 _times, Sweetheart," James replied, folding his palms behind his head to lay on his back facing the dreary sky. The clouds had finally managed to drift half way over the lake but there was no lightning...yet.  

Lily didn't even bother to correct him when he called her Sweetheart because she knew he would manage to turn that into something too. That's just the way James is....

_'Eww! I thought of him as James...' _

"Aren't you cold?" James wondered, an expression of worry clouding his hazel eyes.

"I like the cold!" Lily said indignantly, allowing James's invisibility cloak to slide further down, stopping at her waist.__

"What are you doing out here anyway?" James asked her as he eyed her oddly. Lily could swear he was blushing.

"I need fresh air. Being locked in a closet with a burnt to a crisp Snape is not fun." Lily stated matter-of-factly.

"Being _anywhere _with Snape isn't fun..."

_'What does James have against Snape anyway? Let's see, I think of Snape as Snape still but Potter is James...What the heck?! Let me test my skills...Black, Pettigrew, Remus-oh no! Oh wait, I always called him by his first name...So what is it with James? Ah, did it again!'_

Lily thought with a disturbed sneer. She stared warily at her torturer, her stalker, her luster, her tormentor, her defender, her...James as he lay sprawled out on his back. But he wasn't staring back. His concentration was somewhere _else. _Lily followed his determined glance down to somewhere beneath his midsection which was hidden underneath his cloak. One of his hands were under there, somewhat hidden from her view as well. There was a swift up and down motion going on under there and Lily could only _guess _what that meant he was doing. Lily's eyes filled with first horror, laughter, then with disgust as she flew up to her feet.

"That's-you're-It's-_Stop!_ That's disgusting!" she said to James who just looked up at her in surprise as if he didn't have a clue as to what she was talking about.

"What?" James asked genuinely curious.

"Like you don't know. You can't just do that crap in public!" 

"...I can't polish my glasses?" James asked, with his usual grin spread on his face.

"Wha-?" Lily asked before James whipped back the flap of his cloak to reveal his other hand clutching his glasses by the lens with a paper towel as if he _had _been polishing them. Lily felt the heat rising throughout her face as James let out a cackling chuckle.

"Dirty mind you've got there Miss Evans."

"Oh...Shut it Ja-_Potter_. Who knows what I should expect from you?" Lily replied as she took her seat once again.

"Tell me something." James said to her as he scooted 1/4 of an inch closer to Lily unnoticed.

"What?"

"You think about me doing dirty things often?" James questioned in a voice that just screamed _lewd. _He wagged his eyebrows suggestively as Lily buried her face in her invisible lap, apparently trying to hide the blush she was sure James noticed.

"You're not gonna live this down, are you?" her muffled voice questioned.

James managed to take this opportune moment to scoot about two inches closer.

"I can tell you, I imagine you doing-" James started to say before Lily stopped him.

"_Don't _tell me."

"There's this one dream where Sirius and Remus are eunuchs-"

"_Stop, _right there!" Lily said raising her extremely red face from her lap and clamping James's mouth shut yet again. She again realized her earlier mistake and allowed her hand to fly off of his mouth.

"Aw, come all. We _all _think about stuff like that sometime." James replied grinning as she put a comforting arm around Lily, which she quickly pushed off.

"You sound like my mother."

"...Pretty deep voice for a lady."

Lily looked up at James with an unreadable expression on her face before letting out a short giggle.

"You're so _odd _James-_Eek!" _Lily squealed as she heard what had escaped her lips. This didn't pass James Potter though.

"You called me James!" He exclaimed smugly.

"So, I call Remus Remus!" Lily said trying to make little of the matter.

"But, I'm not a Prefect or a Goody two shoes so it counts!"

"...What's the big deal?" Lily questioned James figuring she couldn't argue with his logic.

"You never called me by my first name before!"

"I have! That...one time...on the train in first year...before you and your moronic friend blew up my cat Snuffles!"

"We blew up your cat?" James asked as he cocked his eyebrow trying to remember the distant memory.

"Yes! How can you forget something like destroying a cat?!"

"...Oh...Sirius was betting me there was no side effect to putting a wet start firecracker in soda. So really it was his fault." James reassured her.

"Puh!" Lily let out a frustrated noise as she returned her gaze to the water that the lightning was beginning to illuminate.

"Lily?" 

"What, Potter?" she snapped back.

"Is that why you hate me now?" he questioned softly as he stared at her with the most pitiful look in his usually haughty eyes. Lily glared back at him but then he began to get to her. Her expression softened as she extended a slow, trembling, arm.

"I don't _hate _you..." she muttered grudgingly. 

She'd love to tell Potter she hated him and that he would never have a chance with her like she had been doing for a year now but she just couldn't. Everything seemed slightly different now. He wasn't around his friends pulling stupid pranks, he wasn't torturing Snape, he was just sitting there with dried blood coming from his nose making him look even more venerable and pathetic than he really was.

"You don't?"

"No, I hate the way you act around people." Lily stated matter-of-factly, "Now will you _please _clean yourself up? You look-"

"Pathetic?" James asked with a trace of his usual cocky grin on the corner of his mouth. He crawled towards the water as the lightning crashed somewhere near them. He simply ignored it as he lapped up water onto his face, shook his head in a dog-like manner (too much hanging around Sirius!), and looked to Lily for approval. She simply rolled her eyes and went up close to him and turned his head to face hers.

"It's _dry. _You have to clean it like _this_!" Lily grunted as she took out a piece of crumpled parchment from her breast pocket and rubbed it roughly against James's face as if he were scrubbing a floor and not a human. 

"Ow! Don't be so rough!" James whined helplessly as Lily sighed exasperatly and threw the parchment down in his lap out of frustration.

"Ah, don't be a baby." she whispered in a low voice as she dipped his sleeve in the icy lake yet again. But this time she went about rubbing his face slower and a more sensitive manner. Finally she pulled the shred of his sleeve back to reveal a slightly pink but clean nonetheless James Potter.

"There!" Lily said satisfied with her work.

"How do I look?" 

"...Like James Potter." Lily could have sworn that in the dark, if she was about three more feet away from him, and if the lightning lit his face in the perfect angle he would look somewhat attractive to her. And as if James could read her thoughts, his suggestive grin resurfaced. She shuttered involuntarily as she thrust herself up on her feet. She tossed James's cloak down to his lap where he stared at it before glancing back at her.

"Where you going?" James questioned her as the sky lit up once more. By now, the dark clouds had rolled completely over to Hogwarts and a light drizzle was spraying their faces.

"It's raining. I'm going to bed." She stated briskly.

"NO!" James exclaimed as if he were forbidding this moment.

"Why not?" Lily asked as she turned back to face him

"Because...Prefect Lily, if you leave me, an unattended, stupid student, all alone in the dark grounds in a lightning storm where _you _led me things could turn out pretty ugly." James replied in a mock serious tone that made the corners of Lily's mouth twitch as if she was going to smile at him. 

"Plus," James continued as he shook his damp hair out like a dog again, "Water conducts electricity and who knows what could go down if I'm _soaking _wet?"  He said, pointing to the distant lightning.

Maybe it was the way he was grinning at her like an idiot, or the way his eyes were just screaming in their own pathetic way for her not to abandon him, or maybe it was the slight chance of him getting fried to a crisp by lightning, but it was _something _that made Lily take a seat on the patch of grass where James was patting eagerly motioning for her to sit down. The patch of grass only five inches from him.

"Well, should we add this to your wall of stupid ideas Peter?" Sirius snapped as he and Peter entered the last room on the fifth floor. It was a vast and of course, empty, music room (It exists! Check on the Harry Potter gameboy video game!) Filled with various, bulky instruments. This room was by far the largest as Sirius could see. It also looked as if a storm had gone through there. Instruments were scattered everywhere in the midst of sheet music and...Chocolate bar wrappers?

"Remus tracks!" Peter exclaimed triumphantly as he bent down to pick up a wrapper. Sirius quickly snatched it from his hand.

"It's cold. He hasn't been here for a long time."

"Remus would never leave someplace a mess, especially a classroom." Peter pointed out. He shuddered notably as lightning crashed somewhere outside. His jitters had only gotten worse when the rain started pattering at the window.

"...Maybe it _wasn't _him...maybe it was some other...creature..." Sirius said in a low croaky voice, obviously trying to scare Peter.

"No, it wasn't! He's up here I'm sure!" Peter said sounding more like he wanted to convince himself more than Sirius.

"If only we had some kind of Remus bait..."

"If only we had Kevin." Peter said forlornly. "Kevin's the only one that can control him without pissing him off, unlike any of us..."

Sirius threw up his arms in an exasperate manner. 

"Well Kevin's just the key to evening isn't he? He has our map, you wand, Remus control skills-Might as well go down to Hogsmeade and purchase a bite-size version of him to carry around in my pocket!" Sirius exclaimed in a voice that dripped with sarcasm.

"You're just jealous!" Peter accused.

"Of what?! Wafting around the castle spitting out songs that everyone except Sirius can understand?!"

"...Yes?" 

"...You know this reminds me of an urban legend I saw in a scary movie..." Sirius started saying.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it; please don't tell me a scary story!" 

"Anyway, there's this scary lady that appears in a mirror to kill you if you say her name five times-" Sirius continued anyway.

"Why does that remind you of Kevin?" Peter asked in curiosity.

"Because, 30 years ago a freaky kid who couldn't do anything but sing was chased in here by a big green snake-like monster and eaten! And ever since then on dark stormy night like this if you call his name five times in the music room he'll reappear and...Sing for you." Sirius finished in an uncertain, but scary nonetheless voice to a whimpering, cowering Peter who had obviously bought every word.

"What was his name?" Peter managed to squeak out in a voice barely above a whisper. This question caught Sirius off guard.

"Err...Joey...Jackson...Singsalot...Bilbo...Shaggins Jr?" Sirius suggested shrugging his shoulders. "Yeah, Joey Jackson Singsalot Bilbo Shaggins Jr."

"Eek!" Peter squealed as if the dead guy would lurch out and get him if he heard his name. "You said it twice!"

"Did I? I really said Joey Jackson Singsalot Bilbo Shaggins Jr. _two _times_?_ Imagine that." Sirius said offhandedly as he and Peter drifted around the music room aimlessly.

"You said it again!"

"What? Joey Jackson Singsalot Bilbo Shaggins Jr.?" 

"Yes, that!" 

"Let's just hope I don't say Joey Jackson Singsalot Bilbo Shaggins Jr. again..." Sirius whispered as Peter stopped dead in his tracks and pointed ahead at the door. His mouth was flopping open and closed as if he were a fish out of water. Sirius stared back at his pale friend suspiciously.

"Peter, it was a joke. Calm down."

Sirius knew something was seriously wrong when lightning crashed somewhere outside and Peter didn't even respond.

"D-Door." Peter whispered darkly.

Sirius turned his head towards the light rattling noises that were coming from the door leading too the hall. Something was turning the knob on the outside trying to get in.

"Holy s-" Sirius started but was interrupted by the door flying open roughly as someone stepped into the dark room.

"_Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!" _Peter wailed before taking off in the opposite direction heading for the Muggle Workshop class.__

_"Ahhhh! We're gonna die! "Sirius_ hollered as he followed Peter's suit in running for the door. Peter struggled for the door to open but as soon as he did the sight that greeted him was not much better than the other door.

"Sirius! Peter!" a deep voice shouted.

"It knows our names!!!!!!" Peter wailed yet again, taking cover under a desk.

"...Will you idiots shut the hell up?" an annoyed female voice said from the front of the classroom. 

"Wait a minute." Peter said sticking his head out from Sirius's cloak. Lightning illuminated the room for a brief second and he was able to make out two _human _figures standing at different ends of the classroom. 

"Remus!" Peter exclaimed as he rushed up to his friend to envelop him in a bone crushing hug. Remus looked down oddly at his friend before patting him on his head awkwardly.

"Peter." he said flatly.

"Oh great." the female voice muttered softly. "What are you idiots doing up here anyway?"

"Oh no, I'd recognize that voice from anywhere-"

"Lynn! You came to save us!" Peter exclaimed merrily as he clung to Remus who had gone stiff as a board upon the mention of Lynn's name.

"Oh not this broad..." Sirius muttered to himself before the sound of something heavy landing n his head rang through the room.

"What are you doing here Lynn?" Remus asked softly as he attempted to pry Peter off of him.

"Some guy who called himself J. Travolta wrote me a note telling me to meet him up here." she replied attempting to make her voice offhanded.

Remus let out a small whimpering sound as Sirius snorted.

"Yup, scary tower, lightning, John Travolta, didn't I tell you Grease was a horror movie Peter?"

As if on cue a guitar sounded off from the music room.

_"Stranded at the drive-in..." _a lofty voice wavered in.__

"What the heck?" Both Remus and Lysandra said in unison as Peter just let out a dramatic gasp.

"It's him!"

"Who?"

_"Branded...a fool..."_

"Joey Jackson Singsalot Bilbo Shaggins Jr.!" Peter announced.

"...Sirius, have you been telling him scary stories?"

_"What will they say..." _

"I've heard this song before..."

_"Monday at school..."_

After this line some more instruments started up a quite familiar tune. 

"It's coming from the music room!" Lynn exclaimed as she crept closer to the door.

"Great deduction Watson..." Sirius muttered.

"Shut up Sirius." Remus replied automatically. He trailed behind Lynn as she drifted through the door back into the "haunted" music room followed closely by Peter and a disgruntled Sirius.

The sight that met them made them stop dead in their tracks and stare up at the pedestal that had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. Various instruments seemed to be charmed to play by themselves stringing a slow tune. Towards the ceiling a lit up wand shone through what looked to be one of the strainers that the kitchen elves had prepared spaghetti noodles in for Peter's snack earlier. The light through the many holes created a spotted glow that illuminated the entire room making it appear as a cheesy school dance. And there sitting on the pedestal was none other than-

"Now, where the hell did _you _come from?!" Sirius exclaimed clearly outraged at his fifth roommate Kevin Gregory as he teetered on the edge of the pedestal.

_"Sandy, can't you see, I'm in misery..."_

"Oh, no, not this song..." Sirius worded as he backed away.

"Who the heck is Sandy?" Peter wondered out loud.

"I remember this song! It's from that movie we saw over the summer Remmie!" (I know Grease came out in '78 but I couldn't resist) Lynn said before realizing she had just fraternized with the enemy.

_"We made a start, now were apart, there's nothing left for me..." _Kevin continued.

"This is _our_ song. The one from the drive-in..." Remus remarked somewhat sadly as he stared at the ceiling.

_"Love has flown, all alone-" Kevin_ sang as he walked towards the group. He stood between Remus and Lynn, placing a hand on both of their shoulders.

"Here comes that stupid note." Sirius muttered looking away.

_"He sits, he wonders why-y-y-" _

"Eww..."

_"Oh why, you left him, oh Sandy..." _Kevin continued speaking to Lynn and Remus ignoring Sirius's remarks from the floor.

"Err, because he _cheated _on me with that-that-that-thing." Lynn managed to get out in a disgusted tone pointing to Sirius.

"Uh oh. Shit's flying towards the fan..." Sirius said as he backed up towards the door, ready to make a speedy escape.

"What do you mean?! I'm not gay, and even if I was, I could do better...!-"

"Hey!"

"Who told you I was gay?"  
  


"Cynthia said Sirius told her and usually when she says she saw something and there's no middle man involved it's somewhat true! Plus Sirius showed up with you to Hogsmeade dressed like Keith Partridge on LSD-"

"And it has hit." Sirius commented.

_"Oh, Sandy baby, someday, when High-yi-"_

"Argh!"

_"School is done, somehow, some day our two worlds will be one..." _Kevin sang as he brought their hands together.

"Kevin, you traitor! He just used me so he would have an excuse to dress like some Village People reject!" Sirius announced furiously.__

"Oh this is so romantic!" Peter sighed dreamily.

"Who's side are you on?!" Sirius questioned suspiciously.

"So, can't we just pretend Sirius wasn't a real jackass and start over?" Remus questioned as he brought his other hand to meet Lynn's as well.

"Oh my-y-y goodness, I'm gonna barf. So...much...fluffiness...can't breathe!" Sirius choked out as Remus and Lynn began to slow dance.

"Fall down to the floor so we're sure." Lynn spat nastily to him.

"How sweet." Peter replied happily. He'd rather watch a romance over a horror flick any day.

_"In heaven forever and ever we will be...oh please say you'll stay, oh Sandy..."_

"Don't worry; I'll do anything to make Sirius's life a living hell." Lynn stated matter-of-factly.

"Oh hot dammit." Sirius replied snapping his fingers. "You know what part comes next? Remus I swear if you-"

"Sandy, my darling, you hurt me real bad, you know it's true-" Remus started as he narrowed his eyes at Sirius.

"I can't believe he's doing this..." Sirius replied slapping his forehead.

"But baby, you gotta believe me when I say, I'm helpless without you." Remus finished returning his attention to Lynn.

"I can't take this anymore. I'm leaving!" Sirius exclaimed.

_"Love has flown all alone, I sit, I wonder-"_

"Before he does it again-"

"_Why-y-y-"_

Sirius slammed the door quickly behind before he could here yet another one of Kevin's eerily accurate impressions of a John Travolta wail.

"Well, that's one of my genius plans screwed over. I wonder what's happened to Jamie-poo..." Sirius thought aloud as he dashed down the stairs anxious not to be spotted by Filch.

"Potter-I mean, James," Lily shouted over the lightning as they strolled towards the castle shielded from the rain under James's invisibility cloak. This didn't really do anything as they were already drenched.

"Yeah?" James responded.

"What's the purpose of the cloak if were already wet?" 

"What?"

"What's the-"

"Can't hear you." James replied as he grinned in his mirthful way making Lily steam. She grabbed him by the wrist and dragged his arms down; making the invisibility cloak he was holding over them as a makeshift tent fall to the ground.

"Maybe it would be smarter if we just made a run for the castle!" James said after pondering her action for a while.

"Good idea." Lily replied sarcastically.

"Come on!" James exclaimed as he tugged on Lily's sopping wet sleeve and dragged her across the grounds. Lightning illuminated the sky briefly just so Lily could catch a glimpse at James carefree face. In fact, even though he was cold, drenched, and had a good chance of being struck by lightning or even getting sick the next day he actually seemed to be_ enjoying _himself.

_'...He's an odd one, this Potter.' _ Lily thought at the boy's odd behavior. _'Though he's a total idiot, he can be sweet in his on little idiotic way I'll admit...' _she thought almost grudgingly. Meanwhile, James was having his own little thoughts.

_'...My hair looks even better now that it's wet.'_

Sirius came bounding down the main staircase, still trying to shake the _Grease _and Lynn affiliated thoughts out of his head...literally. You can only guess how surprised he was when he reached the bottom landing and was met with two totally soaked figures just stepping into the entry hall. I can't even begin to tell you how surprised he was to see that one of the figures, the shorter red head one, had a dripping invisibility cloak in tow. 

"...James?" James eyes zipped through the dark room towards the grand staircase where his eyes focused on none other than his best friend Sirius Black.

"Err, Sirius."

Sirius looked besides James to the figure standing next to him staring back like a deer caught in the headlights with her brilliant emerald green eyes.

"_Evans?"_

"Black." she replied flatly attempting to avoid his stare.

"James?" Sirius repeated in a questioning tone motioning at Lily.

"_Sirius_." James reprimanded through clenched teeth silently warning his friend not to say anything stupid.

"Evans!" Sirius said again raising his eyebrows to James.

"Black." Lily repeated in a warning tone.

Sirius's eye darted back and forth between Lily and James for a while before he paused and let a slightly perverted smile to creep up to his face.

_"James." _Sirius said in a sly tone, waggling his thick eyebrows suggestively.

"Black!" Lily scolded as color spread to her cheeks yet again

"Oh, Sirius." James muttered with a slight grin on his face as he slapped his hand to his forehead.

"_James!" _Lily gasped out turning to face him.

"James?" Sirius questioned with a smirk playing on his handsome face.

"Argh..._Potter!" _Lily corrected herself as she rushed pass Sirius and made her way up the stairs swiftly managing to avoid eye contact with any of them but James could still see a bitter scowl etched onto her beautiful face, the look she _normally _gave to him. 

"Lily?" he squeaked out to her, pleading silently making her turn sharply on the staircase and glare at him hatefully.

"_Evans_, Potter. _Evans_." Lily corrected through gritted teeth with a note of brief sadness evident in her voice before she continued dashing up he stairs on her way to Gryffindor tower. James watched her hopelessly until she was out of view before turning to Sirius who looked as if he didn't have the slightest idea at what was going on.

"Argh! _Sirius!" _was the last thing he uttered before tramping up the staircase in a similar fashion to Lily, ignoring Sirius as he tried to reason with him.

"......Was it something I said?" Sirius questioned the empty corridor.

**AN- I finished with this chapter finally! I wrote like three different versions of his chapter, the other two dealing with rumbles in the Prefect's bathroom... (Don't ask, for sake of all our sanity) Anyway, don't be afraid to drop a review my way.**

**Note Status- Hehehehe…_James has it now…_**


	8. Of Kiddies and Kittys

**Disclaimer- Since my name _isn't_ J.K. Rowling-which I'm pretty sure it isn't as I've checked my birth certificate three times today hoping for a change...- so that means *GASP* I _don't_ own Harry Potter!  Aww Damn..._another _thing to add to my birthday list...**

**AN- Hello Peoples! This is what I like to call a filler chapter. When I drew out my _genius _plot for this story I realized there was a big gap between some of my chapters so...Plus I wrote this trying to chip away my stupid writer's block (yup, that's what going to school does to me, kills my imagination...) Anyway, read on...**

_"Liiiilllllllyyyy...." _A cold voice hissed softly, shaking Lily out of her deep slumber. 

Lily immediately shot her head off from her pillow upon realizing she was on the ground. Not the hard wood tile floor of her dorm, but the damp, mossy floor of what seemed to be...a forest? Not really a forest though, more of an open field, though she was completed surrounded by towering redwoods. Lily quickly got to her feet as her brilliant eyes dashed around nervously taking in her surroundings. How she got out there, she wondered. She noted she was still wearing her pajama clothes, long flannel pants decorated with snitches (_Hmm_...Isn't _James _a seeker? Ohohoho...wait, or was he a chaser?! _Wah_...I confused!) And a simple white wife-beater t-shirt that also had a snitch embroidered on it, so there was no doubt in her mind that she had indeed gone to bed that night. The mystery was how he got out there.

"How the heck did I get out here?" Lily questioned no one in particular as she wiped a thin sheet off of her forehead frantically. She inhaled the stale air silently waiting for a sign of the mysterious voice.

_"My dear Lillian...Come to me...." _the voice sighed softly as if it was reassured to see her alive and well.

"Who are you?" Lily muttered as she swiveled around, "and _where_ are you? In fact, where am _I_?" Lily questioned getting increasingly nervous. The voice, a deep and ominous one, reminded her of the wizard from _The Wizard of Oz_, definitely not one of her particular favorite movies. Witnessing those horrific flying monkeys at the tender age of three had set her off of that movie _completely_, so she now associated everything from that movie as dangerous, including the voice she was sure she heard.

_"You know who I am, my love..." _

"Well, actually I don't because there's only _one _psycho I'm aware of that calls me 'My Love' and I _highly _doubt Ja-_Potter_ would kidnap me _again _after he already tried that in fifth year-" Lily started, gazing into the deep tangle of branches and vines in the misty forest. The appeared to be a silhouette of a person, most likely he kidnapper she figured.

_"Hmmm..." _the shadowy figured murmured to himself. Lily was positive this was her kidnapper now.

"Er, why are you hiding?"

"I'm _not _hiding! Why would I need to hide...from my darling (dun dun duunnn...) wife?" the voce croaked in a menacing tone, making Lily let out an interesting squeak.

"What?! Just who the hell are you?!"

"Why...you'd think you'd know your own husband..." the shadow stepped gingerly into the placid moonlight, revealing the _last _face Lily wanted to see right now. His face twisted in a malicious smirk as Lily's mouth flopped open and closed resembling a water deprived fish greatly.

"No." she gasped, barely moving her lips.

"Yes! It is true Mrs. Severus Snape!" the now reveled guy screeched before collapsing to the ground in a fit of overly triumphant cackles. Lily edged away from the potential madman.

"Nooooooo!!!!"

"Yess!!!!!!!!!!"

"How the hell did _this _happen?!" Lily screeched out as she bounded around the open field helplessly searching for a means of escape. She attempted to run but her actions seemed to be sluggish, and slow paced so Severus caught up to her and threw her to the ground.

"Well," He started as he unsuccessfully attempted to straddle her as he pinned her wrists to the ground forcefully. "All_ I _remember is waking up in a gutter full of dirty pigeons and rice with a particularly pleasing piece of jewelry on both of our fingers...but I'm pretty sure it involved a bar." 

"_Bar?" _Lily questioned in a disgusted tone as she paused from kicking her feet at Severus as he still tried in vain to overpower her.

"Or a brothel, I'm not sure..." Severus replied as he gave her a pondering look.

"Oh no...Someone help me!!!!!!!" Lily screeched into the night only to be answered by a flock of wayward pigeons and...Singing? And after living 6 years at Hogwarts she knew what _that _meant...Only one person would be dense enough to be roaming a dark forest that Snape had conjured up as a perfect place for him to live happily ever after with his _wife. _And to be singing...the Jackson 5 at that.

A blob of red swayed between the massive trees in the distance. Upon closer inspection Lily confirmed that the object was indeed Kevin Gregory as he stumbled from among the brush with a _stag _in tow. 

_"Tryin to live without your love is one long sleepless night ..." _he started singing lightly to the tune of "I want you Back" by the Jackson 5 as he brushed attentively the stag's thick mane (oh wait, I'm thinking of a horse...), completely ignoring Lily's situation.

"...Does he follow you around or something?" Snape questioned, clearly puzzled a Kevin and his pet's sudden appearance.

"Kevin!" Lily wailed, trying to get his attention.

_".Let him show you girl ...that he knows wrong from right...Every street you walked right on with a tear stain on the ground, following the girl that didn't want him around." _He continued as his stag whimpered lightly.

"I swear...this just _has _to be-" Lily began to say as she knocked Snape in the side of his face with a single kick. "-A dream!"

_"Oh baby give him one more chance, won't-you-please-take-him back to your heart-"_

"Kevin, who in the world are you talking about?!" Lily asked a tad bit annoyed as she got to her feet. She had just been dragged from her peaceful slumber into this stupid place and she wasn't in the mood to decode Kevin's songs.

"You know." the stag spoke up, shocking Lily fiercely as she let out a yelp.

"You can talk...?" Lily asked with a blank gob smacked expression etched on her face.

"Hey, it's your dream." Kevin reminded her, nearly making her collapse to the floor from astonishment. This would be the first time she ever heard Kevin say something since first year that_ wasn't _a song, besides a spell which he usually gave their own little tune anyway.

"_You _can talk too?!?!What else can you do?" Lily questioned suspiciously as she eyed Kevin warily. This dream was beginning to get a little _too_ freaky.

"_Hmmm..._Well, I'm also quite the skilled little matchmaker and my friend here," he motioned to the stag which winked in Lily's direction, "He's a master debater (Teehee...I luv innuendo!)-" 

"Especially when it comes to _you."_ the stag finished for Kevin in a smug voice which sounded eerily familiar to Lily.

"What are you-_ewww...._you're not even my species!" Lily said as she realized what they were saying.

"So..." Kevin started before the eerily addictive tunes of the Jackson 5 came back, _"Won't you please let him," _he continued to sing.

_"Back in your heart!" _the stag finished for him.

"Oh no, why-can't-I-wake-!!!" Lily exclaimed to no one in particular as Kevin and the stag continued their duet. But before she could finish her sentence she shot up from her sweat drenched pillow. 

"What the-Oh goodness- I finally woke up..." she breathed in a relieved sigh as she allowed her head to fall back into a pillow that she didn't recognize as hers.

 Instead of the usual squashed feather pillow with the _L.E. _stitched in the corner, there was a noticeably bigger one with a burgundy velvet pillowcase covering it. In fact, everything in the huge bed was either covered with burgundy velvet or golden silk, Lily noted. This _definitely_ wasn't her bed...She let out an urgent yelp as the allowed the sheets to fall from her shoulders and spill onto a rather suspicious looking lump that was lying next to her and snoring nonetheless.

"Oh...my, where the hell am I now?!" she whimpered as she cautiously took in her new surroundings. She couldn't see much as the golden curtains of the canopy bed she was sharing were drawn shut, but she could tell it was morning from the way the sun bore through the curtain and shone directly over the lump, which was now, to Lily's horror, was beginning to stir awake.

"Please don't tell me..." Lily muttered to herself as she thought she recognized that unruly patch of hair.

The lump, apparently a guy, rose from his pillow slowly with his eyes still clamped shut. His dark hair sprung from and in all directions as he ruffled his own hair while letting out a beastly yawn. The man allowed the sheets to tumble off of him reveling his very bare chest as he let his head drop back to his pillow. He silently shifted to his side so he could retrieve hi gold rimmed glasses which looked like they had be tossed carelessly on the floor. Lily could see that the bareness didn't just stop at his chest, much to her utter and complete horror. In fact, the only thing he seemed to be wearing was...a flesh colored thong.

"Eek!" Lily unconsciously squealed out in disgust as she edged away from the man.

His eyes snapped open as he slid his spectacles into place, revealing his deep hazel eyes full of pure glee.

"Morning Babe." James muttered in a seductive voice before he growled playfully, making Lily's left eye twitch slightly. Lily took in a deep breath as if attempting to calm herself down before she faced James sternly.

"...What the hell am I doing here-why are you here with me-what in the blazes did we actually _do-_was I drunk or something-and for the love of Merlin, why are you wearing that _thong_?!?!?!?!" she screeched questions that flowed from her mouth non-stop at the top of her lungs as James simply brought her down to his laying position and wrapped his powerful arms around her waist and enveloped her in a death grip.

"_Shh..._Darling-"

"Don't you call me that!" Lily snapped as James continued to drag her closer to him despite a viciously squirming Lily. Once she realized there was absolutely _nothing _between her body and his except for that hideously flimsy thong Lily had come to despise, and panicked "eep" escaped her lips.

"_What-did-you-do-with-my-clothes-you-sick-bastard?!"_ she inquired through clenched teeth as her eye began twitching more violently. 

"You should know the answer to those questions yourself...unless you really _were _drunk..." James said serenely as he let out a peaceful sigh, making Lily want to scratch his eyeballs out. "Yet again, we always do our best..._work _when you're intoxicated in some kind of way, eh?"

_"You!" _Lily growled as she pounced on top of James unconsciously, the sheet covering most of her (Bad gutter mind!), and tightened her grip around James's neck instantly, letting out a stream of curses and hexes though as she could tell her wand was nowhere in sight.

"Darling-_gasp-_you really_-gasp-_are frisky to_-gasp-_day, but you'll wake-_gasp_-the kids with the_-gasp, sputter, cough-_noise!" James warned as he wrenched out of Lily's death grip and turned to the side to attempt to catch his breath.

"...Kids? What kids? We-I mean-I don't have any kids!" Lily exclaimed defiantly.

"Er, just because Remus and Lynn agreed to allow them to stay at their disco/ranch _only_ for the week didn't mean they wouldn't give them back..." James pointed out as he grinned at Lily.

As if on cue, Lily heard a door slam open followed by the little incessant chattering of little children. Before she knew what was happening, the golden curtains flew back from the bed to reveal a pack of toddlers ranging from ages 7-1. Lily screamed a bit as James reached over the side of the bed and hoisted the smallest one, a baby with unruly red hair that stuck out in a fashion similar to James's and sparkling hazel eyes, into Lily's, who was still seated atop of James's stomach, lap. 

"Yay! Momma's trying to kill Daddy again!" A little guy said as he surveyed the situation through his emerald green eyes. 

A flood of giggles sounded throughout the room as all five of the kids clambered onto their parent's bed. Most of them began to jump around as a two of the oldest surrounded Lily on both sides and wrapped their tiny arms around her neck. 

"Does this mean we're gonna get another little brother or sister?" a girl that was the exact miniature of Lily questioned enthusiastically.

"Most likely, I show no signs of going sterile..." James muttered as he bounced the gurgling baby on his upper stomach. Lily just sat there speechless. She couldn't bring herself to form the correct words that were being tossed around in her brain so she just sat there with her mouth hanging open helplessly.

"That bad!" a little four year old boy, which Lily noted, looked suspiciously like_ her _father, pointed out as he bounced over to Lily and swung his arms around her neck.

"Momma said Daddy's already eating us out of howse and home! We don't need no more nawty babies!"

"No its not!" a little girl who looked to be around six objected her little brother. "More kids mean Mommy's eye will do that funny thing!" 

"What thing?" 

"That...twitchy thing it's doing right now!"

"Ohh..." all the kids said in unison before continuing to torture Lily with the jumping and the questions. A mass of tangled red hair swirled around her, nearly suffocating her.

"Mommy, I want waffles for breakfast!"

"I eat all my food if you don't make me bathe again! This would be my...second one this month!"

"_Waaaahhh..."_

"Stop your crying Francis!" 

"Simon smacked me Ma!!!!"

"Smack him back." came James's calm voice of reason.

"Tommy's doing that _thing _again..."

"Don't be a tattletale Hallie. He's just discovering himself." James muttered before he turned to the corner of the bedroom where a soft tinkling noise was coming from.

"James Jr., a vase is not a toilet." James reminded one of their sons.

"Sowwy Daddy..."

"The corner isn't one either!"

"Oh Merlin's beard...I've died and been sent to Potter-hell..." Lily managed to mutter.

_"Hey, hey, hey, Potters! Guess who's here!" _A voice bellowed out in the hallways before the door reopened again revealing a slightly overweight and balding Sirius Black. He wore nothing but a rainbow bathrobe and he held a striped bucket of old fried chicken with the picture of a toothless old man above the _General Joe's Discount Chicken _label. All the children stopped with they were doing and gave an excited gasp.

"Uncle Siwius!!!" they all squealed with delight before toppling off the bed and heading for Sirius extending their tiny arms gleefully. Even the baby that James held was straining to edge closer to this depressing version of Sirius.

"Yes kids, come to your beloved live-in Godfather and I shall shower you all  with knowledge of mischief making and we'll see if your uncle can win that bet your Daddy made with him to see if you can make Mommy's hair can turn white before she hits thirty!" Sirius announced merrily as everything went spinning around Lily.

She seemed to be screaming and falling at the same time, but she couldn't stop it and nobody seemed to hear her. Down, down, down she tumbled until she hit something soft with a thud. She twitched a little, noting she was now wearing clothing, clothing that was drenched in sweat, but clothing, nonetheless. She could still feel somebody jumping next to her making her shoot up from her laying position abruptly, knocking that person off her bed.

"_Ow_...Lil! I landed on my ass..." she could hear Sunny moan from the floor as Faye gave a very non-discreet snort.

"Great deduction there, Watson."

Lily glanced around wild eyed, glad to see she was back in the comfort of her dorm. Lynn noticed Lily was shuddering slightly and she could practically here her heart from where she was standing, next to Lily's bed. 

"Er, alright there Lils?" she questioned cautiously as she placed a hand on Lily's shoulder tenderly, causing her to spring up slightly.

"Yeah," Sunny said as she hoisted herself up from the ground, "You were screaming murder in your sleep and you kept on saying "James"."

"Hmm...Screaming out James's name...now that doesn't sound right at all..." Faye pondered with a sly grin on her face. "But of course, Lily frolicking about in the rain after hours with him doesn't sound right either..."

"_Shh! _She's not supposed to know we know!" Sunny said throwing a pillow in Faye's direction, which she quickly dodged.

"Well I think she knows that we know _now_."

"Lily, speak to me! Did you have a nightmare? You were talking about a thong!" Lynn inquired as she shook Lily, trying to get her out of her daze.

"She probably lost it." Sunny said silently into Lynn's ear.

"Or maybe visions of James Jr. and the Jackson 5 are still flooding her mind."

"Lil?"

"...I hate double dreams..." was the last thing Lily muttered before she allowed her head to collide with her pillow yet again. Her friends went deathly silent as they watched Lily exhale a great deal of air she seemed to be holding ever since she woke up from her night terrors.

_"I think we should have woken her up when she started screaming about Kevin being a master debater..." _Sunny hissed to Lynn, not wanting to disturb Lily.

Faye walked over to them and smacked Sunny lightly on the back of the head.

"Ya think?"

 Early That Morning

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Four figures trudged over the grassy hill just beyond Hogwarts in a single line silently. It was about four in the morning, so most of the land was still dark and very wet. One persistent voice broke through the stale silence though.

"Jamie buddy...Prongsie...Jamski? Where are we going?!" Sirius whined as he unsuccessfully tried to get James to talk to him as they stumbled blindly through the damp trail a little beyond the castle. Peter ambled next to closely behind James's heels, rubbing the sleep out of his pale eyes, as he went about squishing his heels in the mud. Remus, who brought up the rear, gave a content sigh as he followed blindly into which would probably prove to be another one of James's idiot adventures.

"Why won't you talk to me Prongs?" Sirius whimpered pathetically as he jabbed his finger into James's back. James spun around sharply, causing their little line to halt. Peter skirted to the back of the line to shield himself behind Remus, who seemed to be off in his own little world right now.

"Because you're a jerk, a pervert with a dirty mind, a sneak, and you screwed up the one chance I had with Lily, two times!" James howled at Sirius scathingly, making him shrink down a feet making Remus let out a short bark-like laugh.

"That just about covers it..." he muttered as he pushed Peter to the front again.

"Shut up Hickey-Boy, before I call McGonagall and she takes away your badge for doing..._naughty _things!" hissed as he began walking again only this time next to Remus.

"They're not hickeys...I told you, I burned my self with a...curling iron." Remus stated firmly in a slightly littler voice.

"At four a.m.?"

"I like to look good when I go out..." Remus muttered through clenched teeth.

"...You know, if you ignore the freakiness of being about ankle deep in this mysterious glob in the dark-"

"It's mud genius." Sirius informed him.

"-And the creepy thing that's crawling up my leg-"

"..."

"-And the thing with the yellow eyes that's been stalking us for the past hour-"

"What?!" James, Sirius and Remus screeched as a creature, shrouded by the darkness whizzed past them, hobbling at the speed of light as it cackled its way into the darkness.

"...Hold me..." Sirius squeaked as he clamped on Remus's arm.

"-This is pretty cool. Going to some mystery place at night. It may just be the lack of sleep-"

"It _is _the lack of sleep." James informed him through his clamped mouth.

"But this reminds me of that episode of Scooby Doo."

"...Peter. Just. Stop. Talking." 

"No really! That episode where they...do the sleuthing in that dark place...and they're all in a line...walking oddly-"

"They do that _every _episode!"

"-And James would be Freddy-"

"He's gay so _Sirius _should be Freddy."

"...What are you getting at Remus?!"

"-Remus could be Velma-"

"The hunch back?!"

"She's more of the helmet head-smartass-Jinkies type..."

"Not a word Sirius, James." Remus said cutting through his other to companion's giggles.

"Sirius would be more of a Shaggy-no, _Daphne_." 

"Ha, ha, I'm the hot one Remus." Sirius boasted, happy to finally get the upper hand of his seemingly smarter friend.

"Yeah, but your hip's always jutting out into Freddy's _unmentionables_..."

"...Eww..." They could hear James mutter from up ahead.

"_You're a very pretty boy, Jamie..." _Sirius hissed in an exaggerated perverted voice.

"Remus is your man, not me!"

"I bet you wanna be Scrappy huh Pete?"

_"Scooby Dooby Doo...Lookin' for you' Scooby Dooby Doo-" _Peter started to sing the annoying theme song.

"Your_ not _Kevin, get over it!"

"I wanna feel special too..." Peter whined.

"Well sing another song, that one really grates my nerves..." Sirius said a bit irritated.

"_All _songs grate on your nerve, that's why Kevin grates your nerves." Remus said logically.

"I got one!" Peter exclaimed cheerily.

"Oh damn-" Sirius started before Peter began to sing.

_"Here's a story, of lovely lady who-"_

"Not that one, Please!" James and Sirius groaned at the same time.

"_Who was bringing up three very lovely girls-?"_

"Technically, Marcia was the only lovely one, Cindy was just cute." Remus stated matter-of-factly.

  
"What about Jan?"

"Lost cause."

_"All of them had hair of gold, like their mother. The youngest one in curls."_

"...Cindy didn't have curls."

"Jan was the youngest, that's why she was so _undeveloped_." Sirius explained.

"_Here's a story, of a man named Brady who was busy with three boys of his own. They were four men living all together-"_

"That does _not _sound right, no matter how many ways they say it."

"How come Bobby became a red head?"

"Damn, that kid got hideous..."

_"And they were all alone-"_

"What about Alice?"

"Why did they even need Alice, Mrs. Brady was a homemaker!"

"Alice made the lunches she passed out."

_"Then one day, this lady met this fellow-"_

"Where did she meet him if she just stayed on her ass all day except to get her hair done and go to the market?!"

"The market?"

_"Alice _goes to the market for them!"

_"And they knew it was much more than a hunch, that this group must somehow form a family, that's the way we all became the Brady Bunch!"_

"You're done now."

"No, let's sing some more!" Remus said gallantly trying to motivate Peter to bother Sirius again.

_"Saaannddy, Can't you see...I'm-" _

There was another swift pounding sound followed by the crashing of something hitting the muddy floor.

"Play nice boys."

"Knock it off. We'll never get there if you keep knocking out his teeth Sirius!" James said sharply.

"Where are we going?" Peter whined.

"Far, far away, grasshopper." Sirius replied in a particularly wheezy voice.

"Er?"

"Ignore him Pete."

"We're going to go get a cat." James informed them.

"...Cat?"

"Yes, a cat for-"

"Don't tell me. If you confirm what I'm thinking right now I may be forced to give you the Remus treatment." Sirius cut him off in his utmost disgusted tone.

"We wouldn't have to be doing this if it wasn't for you!"

"How?"

"Hello? Lily's Cat, Hogwarts Express, First Year, BOOM! Ring a bell?"

"There you go using first names again..."

After a few minutes of staggering around in the dark Peter began to hum lightly to him, making sure he was quite a distance away from Peter.

"Argh! Now I have that damn song in my head!" Sirius howled out to no one in particular.

"Saaannddy...can't you see, I'm in misery-" Peter started before there was a hard smacking noise in the dark followed by the sound of a heavy object falling to the ground.

"Sirius! That hurt!"

"It was an accident..." Sirius growled through clenched teeth.

"Dammit, that's the second tooth you made me loose Sirius!" Peter wailed as he continued to follow them, keeping a safe distance away from Sirius.

"Wow Sirius, you've managed to temporarily screw up one relationship, stomp a potential one, _and _ruined Peter's off-perfect smile all in one day, what _can't_ you do?" Remus stated only half-jokingly. He seemed to be in higher spirits now and even venturing off Hogwarts grounds illegally in the middle of the dark couldn't bring him down.

"He also stained your pant leg in Hogsmeade remember? _That_ won't come out unless you take _extreme_ care, believe me, I know." Peter piped up.

"How, I wonder?" James pondered up front.

"Quite a stain too, looks like you've fell into the milky way..." Sirius hissed at Remus scorchingly.

"Yeah, so know when I go home next week I can have Dad sifting through my trunk until he finds his hardcore evidence that 'I'm not..._right' _as he puts it, and I'll be forced to do crap like play football with the boys and go to 'tough man' pubs with my Dad all during the break until I convince him for the 7,985th time that I've been 'set straight'. Thanks _a lot _Sirius." Remus muttered bitterly.

"...I knew I wasn't the only one who was suspicious..." Peter whispered to himself, earning another smack, from Remus this time.

"You guys shut up! We're here!" James snapped in a whisper.

"Where?" Peter questioned as he continued walking until he collided with a low fence.

_"Here." _James sighed deeply.

"Why, pray tell, are we at _The Sunshine Pet Farm _at 4:58 a.m. James?" Remus asked flatly as he surveyed the area. It was a rather dusty looking place, the farm. There was a house just a few yards away from two barns that stood side by side, both with chipping paint and missing ply boards. There was a vast pit of mud that seemed to lead into one of the barns and the place smelled of wet dog. 

"Yeah James, everyone knows old man Sunshine isn't very happy to see visitors..." 

"Old man Sunshine?" Peter asked with a trace of a giggle in his voice.

"Yeah, you think his name is funny until he and his boys come out here waving their muggle boom-sticks in your face..." Sirius muttered.

"Boom-stick?"

"You know, that...stick with the..._bang bang bang _and the 'Oh, it hurts!' that thing."

"Everyone, muggles and wizards alike, know that Sunshine is mad. He lost his mind way back in the fifties before he hijacked a lost milk truck and set out 100 dishes to attract stray animals." James started to explain.

"...He hijacked a milk truck?" Remus questioned skeptically as he eyed the barns suspiciously.

"Yes...yes he did."

"Ever since Then," Sirius cut in, "He's been trying to splice cat genes with dog genes to create the ultra super pet, the Cog! The intelligence and poise of a cat with the natural loyalty and fun of a dog!" Sirius finished in a dramatic voice as he towered threateningly over Peter.

"_Shh..._" James said as he began to climb the fence into the barnyard. "Are you guys coming or not?"

"Coming." Sirius announced immediately followed by Remus who was still eyeing the place suspiciously.

"Not." Peter muttered silently before he allowed himself to be practically dragged over the fence by Sirius.

After having quite the trial with trying to scramble over the ten foot gate, which proved to be a difficult task, Sirius, James and Peter toppled over the brim and landed into the mud. James noticed Remus, who stared at them strangely on the other side of the gate, unmoving.

"Aren't you coming?" James questioned a tad bit annoyed.

"Yeah.._._" he muttered as he simply slipped through the open gate door that led to the other side.

"...Not a word, Remus." Sirius mumbled grudgingly as they stood in the field, trying to find their bearings.

After a moment of scanning the perimeters James motioned for them to walk on.

"...I can't shake the feeling that I've been here before..." Remus muttered under his breath, loud enough that everyone could hear him clearly. Peter's hand immediately flew up to his mouth as he suppressed a giggle as James cracked an amused grin that spread on his stony face.

"What's-so-funny?" Sirius questioned through a strained straight face as he slapped Peter on the back of the head, making him shut his trap. "I see _nothing _funny about what our dear friend Remus said...Do you James, I don't, nope nothing at all, totally un-funny-" Sirius continued though he himself was cracking up.

"That's because you did it too!" Peter squealed, his voice full of glee.

"What?" Remus asked totally in the dark.

"...You don't remember _anything _you do during the full moon, Moony?" James asked simply, not turning to face them but Remus could tell he was grinning.

"What happened?"

"Er, well, nothing of importance." James said, shaking off the matter.

"Yeah, like I always say, 'What Remus doesn't know, he can't blab to Lysandra and she can't hurt him...' "Sirius mumbled through stifled chuckles making Remus scowl in his direction.

"Just forget it. Why are we even here? I don't even see any...pets-" Remus was cut off however by a scruffy looking golden retriever that came bounding out of one of the dilapidated barns and towards him merrily. 

"Hey, it's Sunshine's guard dog!" Peter exclaimed heartily as the frisky beast dug its claws into Remus's front robes and attempted to lather his face in wet doggy kisses. "Hey girl, miss us?" Peter questioned as he rubbed the dog's golden mane.

"You sure missed _Remus _didn't you girl?" James asked in a baby voice as they watched Remus struggle to separate the dog from his body.

"What are you-" Remus started but was cut off by the tyrant tongue of Sunshine's guard dog.

"Humph. She doesn't seem to miss _me._" Sirius mumbled a bit dejectedly.

"Guess you're just not as good as Remus in certain _departments, _Padfoot..." James trailed off as he peered into the barn with the trail of mud leading to it. It seemed to be the source of the horrible wet dog smell the permeated through the air. Silent whimpers and whines arose from the barn signifying dogs' presences in the barn.

"What de...part...ments...?" Remus wondered aloud as he managed to wrestle the beast off of him finally. The golden retriever nodded at him cheerily before barking loudly, towards the barn.

"No, no, no! Don't call Sunshine!" James hissed to the dog, cautious that she was warning her master of their presence.

"Nice going Remus, you upset your bitch!" Sirius grumbled earning astonished glances from Remus.

"My _what?" _

"Oh wait guys..." Peter cooed as the tiny figures toddled out of the barn, letting out little yelps and whimpers as they trailed along in a straight line.

"Oh...my...quite a predicament we have here." Sirius stated as a grin managed to find a way to his face.

"Why, they're just puppies." Remus pointed out.

Peter picked two of the three miniature mutts and ruffled their fur as he cooed to them joyously. There were three in all, two a gold-brown color and one as black as charcoal. The puppies Peter had grabbed up simultaneously struggled against Peter's grasp towards Remus's direction. The last one, the darkest one, payed no attention to its surroundings whatsoever, as it seemed quite intent on chasing after his own stubby tail.

"Ooh! There _so _adorable! These cutesy-wutesy little guys, I just wanna eat-you-all-up, yes I do..." Peter said, rubbing noses with one of the puppies.  

"..." All three stared at Peter oddly for a while before he noticed and regained his composure.

"Er...I mean...they're pretty neat." Peter stated nonchalantly as he let the dogs fall from his grasp.

"Yeah, they all have your eyes Remus." Sirius pointed out before he could catch himself as he motioned to the two puppy's pairs of amber orbs. Remus's head sprang up from the dogs and to Sirius, where he focused his bewilderment-filled eyes.

"What the hell are you talking about?! You're not saying that I-me-that dog-" Remus stumbled over his words in a non-believing tone.

"It all started a few full moons back in a marvelous time we canines like to call-" Sirius started as he stroked the third puppy's scruffy coat.

"Don't say it-" Remus mumbled as he covered his face with his hands. His earlier carefree mode was fading quickly as a headache weighed down his shoulders.

_"Heat." _Sirius finished before being cut off by a sharp cracking noise originating from the house which sounded remarkably similar to a-

"Boom-sticks!" Sirius screeched as he took cover on the ground next to the dark puppy that was going into a similar action as it covered its eyes with its front paws and stuck its tail in the air.

"It's Old Man Sunshine!" Peter exclaimed in fret as he pointed to the front of the house where a frail old man clad in nothing but a graying pair of long johns and hunting boots came at them sticking out a rifle that looked to be too big for someone of his stature, followed by a beefy man wearing patched overalls that looked like he had just pulled them on in a hurry, also sporting a hunting rifle.

"And...Some other guy!" Peter finished his sentence before taking off behind James who had already began sprinting for shelter or somewhere to conceal himself.

"_Run!"_ Remus hissed as he took to the ground and started to dash after James, leaving Peter in the dust. If he weren't being hunted down by a homicidal maniac who tries to breed cats and dogs and...Some other guy, Sirius would have found it hilarious that the dogs remained planted in their positions until they saw Remus take flight, which they immediately followed. 

"Time to boogie!" Sirius muttered as he hoisted himself up on his feet. "Can I have a bit of chase music-oh yeah..." Sirius said looking downtrodden. "I knew we should have brought Kevin with us!" he said before he took off after his friends, passing Peter up as well.

_"Whazzat?! Who's out thar a-thiefin' my purebred cogs?!" _James heard the old man wheeze out as Sirius and Remus and the dogs, sprinted to either of his sides, leaving Peter in the dust.

_"Hey Pa, don't you mean 'inbred' cogs?" _A clumsy voice immediately followed.

_"K-C, just shoot!"_

_"Shucks, Pa, dem cogs are so inbred they can hardly walk straight without toppling over..." _K-C murmured as he aimed the tip of his rifle into the darkness which surrounded the two barns.

_"I bet you that's that scoundrel wolf that put my loyal guard dog in a family way!" _the old man exclaimed as he waddled through the sloshing mud in his oversized boots.

"Er, Which one?!" James hollered out the question before he latched the wet-dog-free scent barn door closed from the inside. "Let's make a deal, Sunshine! I throw out one of the 'scoundrel wolfs' and you hand over a cat!" James tried to bargain through the door, only to be answered by a whizzing bullet which passed over his head luckily.

"Are you out of your mind?!?!?" Both Sirius and Remus as they pulled James down to the hay covered floor and slammed the door shut.

"You tried to-you-I could've been-" Remus sputtered as he panted deeply as his heart felt as if it would jump out of his chest any moment now.

"I wouldn't let him _kill_ you guys, just shoot you in the shins a bit..." James mumbled, tucking out his lower lip.

"You _guys? _Sirius...you _didn't._" Remus questioned as he turned to Sirius who blushed a deep shade of magenta as he winked back at him.

"Tried to stop him. _You _couldn't really help it Sirius was just-_eww..."_

"I'm disturbed...perturbed...and violated..." Remus muttered to himself as Sirius placed a hand on Remus's shoulder.

"You're not really cheating on Lynn because she does kind of look like her..." Sirius said as he motioned to the merry golden retriever.

"...They're not even the same species! _We're _not even the same species!"

"Get over it Daddy." James said before a fierce pounding began to vibrate against the doors. There was shrill screaming and bawling on the other side of the door as well.

"Er, who is it?" Sirius asked cautiously.

_"Ahhhhh!!!!!!!"_

"Er, didn't quite catch that."

_"He's gonna shoot me!!!" _Peter wailed as they jerked him into the musty barn along with them. His face was all flushed and tearstained as he fell to floor in a crumpled heap and continued bawling, looking pathetic, making at least Remus show pity for him. James was too occupied at the moment surveying the odd creatures that occupied the rusty cages in the rear of the barn.

"Oh my-I was-I'M ALIVE!" Peter wailed as he buried his face and sobbed into the hay out of joy.

"Well, I've been saying it for over five years now, but you've finally done it Pete. You wet yourself, just like I predicted!" Sirius pointed out as he shooed away one of Remus's alleged offspring away from his foot, making the mother spring upon him protectively.

"Remus, call off your bitch."

"It gets _old_, Sirius." Remus growled between clenched teeth. 

"This thing doesn't, apparently!" James whispered in awe as he motioned to one of the cages. Remus and Sirius left Peter to cry silently on the floor and stood next to James.

"It says on the cage that this thing, this cat, was born in 1954!" James exclaimed.

"...So?" Sirius questioned not really getting what was so amazing.

"Normal cats don't stay kittens for 20 years Sirius." Remus explained slowly to his dull comrade.

"...This dude must be some kind of mad scientist!" 

"Yeah, look at things...Ugh...I guess Sunshine didn't just breed cats with dogs..." James muttered as he gazed about at the cages filled with mutated cats. Some had scales, two heads or more, floppy puppy ears, and one particular one had _human_ ears.

"Hey guys, this one kind of looks like...Kevin." Sirius pointed out, shuddering involuntarily.

_"I tell you what you varmints!!!" _

"Holy crap! He's found us..." Peter wheezed as he scuttled over to Sirius's feet desperately.

_"I'll give you 'til the count of ten to get out of my barn before I blow your friggin' heads off!"_

_"H'yuck. He sure will..."_

James stood frozen in an isolated corner as his friends edged closer to where a large quantity of ply boards were extracted from the barn's wall. One by one Peter placed all three of the puppies through the opening gingerly, making sure not to injure them.

_"One..."_

"Oh yes Peter, know that you've taken care of the V.I.P.'s can we please get the hell out of here?!" Sirius clamored as he shoved Peter intensely through the opening.

_"...Another one, another one..."_

Sirius edged out of the whole second while Peter was still half stuck, making it difficult for both of them to pop through to the other side.

Remus looked uneasily back and forth between his escape and the last remaining dog. 

"Er, I'll call you, I guess..." he muttered before Sirius took the liberty of dragging him by the hem of his tattered robes through the hole. 

_"Another one..."_

_"Hey Pa, ain't that over ten?"  
  
_

_"Er...Shuddap K-C."_

Sirius poked his head through the opening to the other side where he saw James crouched down on all fours, apparently struggling with a bundle of howling...hay?

"Are you coming?!" Sirius questioned his friend's stranger than usual behavior.

"In a minute..." James mumbled in an annoyed tone as the bundle hopped from one side to the other.

_"Ten!"_

Sirius ducked his head out in the nick of time before K-C and the Sunshine man (teehee...) barged into the barn brandishing their weapons. 

"Merry Christmas, yer filthy animal!" Sunshine exclaimed as he shot several shots into the moist air, causing the mutated cats and cogs too howl and yelp.

"Hey Pa..."

"What K-C?"

"...There's no one in here. Just a couple of inbred mutants, us and that fine reindeer tending to its young in the corner! I can't believe you woke me up in before the crack of dawn to go on a wild goose chase!"

"Er, I could've sworn..."

"Swore nothin'! I'm-a goin back to bed!" K-C muttered as he threw his rifle down and stormed out of the barn.

"Grr...Damn Santy Clause lettin' his bucks run free on my propertay..." was the last thing he said before shutting the barn door behind him, giving James the perfect opportunity to make his great escape with his loot at hand.

He clutched his howling ball of fur under his armed as he squirmed through the crack to discover that there was no trace of his friends. Yet, in the distance James could've swore he saw a plump shadow jogging over the hill to the horizon where the sun was just beginning to poke up.

James sighed exasperatedly as he glanced at the wriggling winged creature lodged under his arm.

"Well...I guess its just you and me kitty...There's no way Lily can hate me now that I've replaced her stupid cat with something better, isn't that right buddy?" James cooed holding the scowling creature in front of his face, giving the animal the perfect opportunity to rake its razor sharp claws across his face.

"Hold _steady_ Mister Snape!" Madame Promfrey scolded for the umpteenth time at the writhing boy that scowled back at her as he sat wincing notably on the edge of her patient's counter.

"I _am _trying you insufferable woman!" he snapped back, "Kindly stop dousing me in acid and maybe it won't be so difficult!"

"He's rather disagreeable, isn't he?" Jules commented softly as she snickered at Severus's childish reaction to a bit of disinfectant on his open wounds. 

"You be quiet." Snape warned between clenched teeth.

"Hey, if it weren't for me you'd still be lying on the floor with Mrs. Norris perched on your face." Jules pointed out ever so kindly.

"I would have figured out how to move eventually, a couple of minutes there wouldn't have killed me!"

"You were there for _hours." _ Promfrey muttered as she jerked his arm into a sling, causing him to howl in pain.

"Oh yes, I was so _lucky _to have someone trip over me..." Snape mumbled under his breath as his face began to adopt a bit of color his focus dropped to the hospital wing floor.

"I _saved _you didn't I?" Jules stated, followed by an uneasy silence. 

"...You'll have to keep this scalp well oiled and greased from now on...What did Potter do, torch you?" 

"There'll be no problem with that...Hey! What're you-?!" Snape pinned as Madame Promfrey lifted the remains of his tattered uniform shirt slightly to inspect his hidden wounds.

"Wow, was Potter wearing a ring or something?" Madame Promfrey questioned as she inspected the marks on his sickly pale stomach intently. The deep jagged open scars were in deep contrast with the rest of his snow white complexion.

"Why?"

"Because, this pattern he traced in blows, it's almost as if-"

"Hey, he made his initials in your stomach!" Jules pointed out as she nearly collapsed in a fit of suppressed giggles.

"Oh, yes I see it now..." Madame Promfrey announced as she too gave a short snort. "I have to- find more ointment..." she said as she scuffled off chuckling to herself quietly. 

"Where?"

"There."

"_Where?" _Snape asked getting annoyed that he couldn't even make out where Potter had _branded _him.

"Here! You're looking at it at the wrong angle..." Jules informed him as she took her finger to trace along Snape's sunken in stomach lightly, creating a tickling sensation.

"S-stop." He commanded as the corners of his mouth gave a pleasurable twitch.

"_Why?_ You ticklish?" Jules paused as her eyes locked with Severus's eyes momentarily before he broke the connection by shifting his eyes down to her hand and jerking her finger up.

"No. It's because you're adding to the shooting pain that happens to be ravaging over my body at the moment." He stated matter-of-factly.

"Be a big boy." she responded in a coy manner as she shook her finger free of his grasp. Severus wasn't sure exactly how but moments later he could feel her warm caress spread from first his shoulder, slither over his neck, and finally came to rest on his clammy cheek.

"_Ahh..._You're touching me."

"Great observation."

"_Er_, please stop."

"Why?"

"_Um..._I feel rather uncomfortable?"

"You sure about that?"

"_Um..._pretty much."

"But how can you tell?"

"I've _er_, lost all feeling of everything above my waist."

"You don't say?" Jules questioned playfully as a mirthful grin, which made her resemble her brother more than ever Snape thought as his stomach turned, played across her face. Her free hand slid into place on top of his right knee, where she drummed her fingers against his flesh. "That's why there's always so much _activity _going on down here..."

"I didn't mean it that way!" Snape protested as his face simply flooded with blood, causing his face to illuminate in odd colors.

"Then how did you know _I _did?" she asked, truly curious.

"...Why do you ask so many questions?!"

"Just one more." Jules pleaded with him.

"Urgh."

"Thanks...Er, how much...wood could a...woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" she asked him sincerely, making Snape turn to her with an inquisitive expression etched on his face.

"What? Is that it? That's the big question?"

"Yup. To be honest, I didn't expect you to say yes."

"Well they answer is 47." 

"...What?" 

Before Snape could explain the entrance door busted open, startling the two. Sirius Black stood panting in the doorway, as if he had just run a mile which is good because he actually ran several. His eyes darted up to the scene before he let a scandalized gasp escape his lips.

_"Snape!" _he growled fiercely, drawing his wand from his robe pocket.

"Sirius..." Jules sighed as her hands retreated to her sides.

"Black!" Snape growled in an equally fierce tone as he straightened his composure, trying to show what bit of dignity he had left.

"Severus..."

"...If I hadn't just gotten the weirdest Déjà Vu right now I would've let this continued!" Sirius said after a while.

"What are you doing here?" Jules asked Sirius truly annoyed.

"What's he doing to you?!"

"What?" Snape screeched as he threw a pondering scowl at Sirius.

"Aha! He admits it!"  
  


"Sirius, leave _now!_" Jules demanded as she took one step closer to him.

"I'm trying to rescue you from this-"

"No, Sirius, you're really just torturing me because everywhere I go you seem to be trailing right behind me! Get over me you sick _freak!!!_ I'm sick of you!!! Just let me live on with my life in piece without you, Remus, or any other one of the fabulous Marauders getting in my way! Argh!" 

Sirius stood dumbstruck, not able to lift his feet which seemed to weigh tons at the moment. His brow furrowed as he tried to control his lower lip from trembling. 

"Ha, you sure told him-"

"Shut up, _Snivellus_!" Sirius exclaimed as he turned on his heels and dashed away, totally forgetting about reporting to Madame Promfrey about the condition of James, who was staggering blindly across the grounds with a winged cat attached to his head.

He made a fierce sprint for Gryffindor tower, his feet pounding up the stairs as hard as Jules cruel words were pounding inside of his head. There was a fire raging deep within his stomach, that really unpleasant feeling he sometimes got at the rare occasion somebody had something he didn't, something Remus had told him was jealousy he believed. He paced to the sixth year boy's dormitories and slammed the door behind him. Remus nod Peter didn't even bother to look up as they were each occupied. Peter was struggling to urge a black, almost _blue _winged kitten into a shoebox with holes poked through the sides as Remus restrained the three puppies, _his _puppies, from attacking the odd creature. He seemed to have a perturbed expression clouding his face.

_'Oh yeah?! You think he's better than me?!?! I'll show her! I'll show them all!!!!! I'll give James the greatest birthday prank ever: Snape's useless life! Then she will be mine!!!! Muhahahahaahahahahahaha-' _Sirius attempted to keep in his thoughts unsuccessfully.

"-_Muhahahahahaha-" _he muttered to himself as he placed his pinky finger to the corner of his mouth and continued to cackle maniacally.

"Er, Sirius, what are you going on about?" Peter questioned, interrupting one of their friends many random spurs of evil laughter.

"Where-have-you-_been?!_" Remus screeched as he got up, allowing the canines to spring free from his grasp. "Do you have any idea at what's happened?"

"...I should be asking you the sam-" Sirius started before Remus thrust a damp, messy parchment under his nose.

"He knows Sirius! Look! We found it in his cloak! He's had the note all along! Why do you think he's been acting so mean towards you lately?" Peter stated as the puppies nipped at his heels while he hosted the box above his head.

"Oh great, _another _opportunity for you to rub one of my failed plans in my face..." 

"We only have one thing to do now."

"What clobber James with a memory charm while he's still in the shower?"

"_No. _We'll just send it with the demon-cat," Remus said motioning to the creature which stood with its fur all razed up on his bed, scratching and hissing at the poor defenseless puppies. "And then when he asks about it, we'll pretend we have no idea what he's talking about until he's convinced he's crazy." Remus finished in a business-like tone.

"...Boy, you're pretty dry on ideas today, huh?" Sirius questioned, earning a stern look from Remus.

"...Isn't that the same plan we used with Sirius when the accident happened with the stupid teddy be--" Peter started before Remus clamped his hand down over his mouth. Sirius's head snapped around and he glanced between the all wild-eyed.

"What did you guys do to Raffles?!" he demanded a bit hysterically.

"...Oh, look at the time."

**AN- There's the eighth chapter, I would've made it longer but I just remembered I have to do crappy science homework..._Grr..._So please give reviews so I have something pleasurable to read in between procrastination breaks...**__


	9. The League of Extraordinary Gents

**Disclaimer-I don't own Harry Potter, if I did you know I wouldn't botch it up like this…**

**AN-Do you ever get that feeling that you've been writing forever…but you never really get anywhere…? Eighteen pages ahead folks…Better used the bathroom and gather your snacks now…**

"...Stupid cat," Sirius muttered to himself as he glared at the menacing package which now shook and rattled violently with each muted howl that came from within. Remus and Peter chose to ignore Sirius, as they had been doing so since he returned to the room. So far, he had succeeded in deeming most of the inanimate objects in the room stupid, and he was just starting on things that actually bothered him now (i.e. Peter, hellion-cat, Kevin...).

"Shouldn't we send the hellion off to torture _Evans_ now?" Peter whined out, his voice muffled into his slobbery pillow.

"We have to sign it from James. We don't need her thinking she has _another_ stalker in the castle..."

"Sirius took care of it."

"You sure?"

"He's got his _signature_ greeting on there, the one that's never failed in the -ahem- _lady's_ department...at least for_ him_..." Peter added quickly.

"What? You've tried it?" Remus said, using his last bit of energy to chuckle at his friend's pathetic attempt to get a date. It was almost sad really. The key word being _almost_.

"...Shut _up_..."

Sirius leaned back on Remus's bed, slightly bumping against an extremely exhausted Remus who was also spread out on the bed. Unlike Sirius, Peter and Remus had grotesque red marks etched all over their face and hands, along with a few scorch marks, thanks to the deranged cat, which Remus had concluded as half dragon.

"_Errllaacckkk…." _Peter moaned dreadfully into his pillow as he curled himself into a little ball on his bed. "How long does James plan to use the shower? What do you think he's _doing_ in there?"

"Hmm...Quite a vast variety, hands..._soap_..." Remus muttered only half jokingly to his clearly confused comrade.

"...Stupid pillow," Sirius moaned to himself yet again as he punched Remus's pillow out of frustration, narrowly missing Remus's head.

"What?" Peter inquired, quite appalled at Remus's answer.

"Ah, nothing, _nothing, _just steer clear of the 'soap scum' he leaves behind...and don't expect any cold water-"

"...Stupid mutt." Sirius grumbled as he glared down at the dark puppy that just gazed up at him as a puddle of his own drool surrounded his paws. The puppy, Peter had taken to calling him Sir Elton John (for some _odd_ reason), had spent as much of the morning pining after Sirius as Sirius had spent naming off the stupid things he could spot.

"...What the hell is he doing with _our _soap?" Peter squeaked out again, attempting to clear his ears with his scarred finger.

"Stop talking about yourself, Sirius." Remus responded automatically, turning his head to face the wall yet again.

"_Pssst, _I think something's wrong with Padfoot." Peter hissed across the room in a sad attempt of a whisper. Sirius, feeling ultra moody and bitter, didn't even bother to dignify Remus with n answer, so he just glowered down at him, trying to spook him with his fabled "stink eye".

"How long did it take you to come up with _that _deduction?"

"Stupid Snape." Sirius whined as he flopped down backwards, crashing down on Remus's back in the process.

"...I get the feeling something's ailing you." Remus said thoughtfully over his shoulder.

"I got problems, Moony..."

"...I know that. We _all_ know that."

"Not _those _problems-"

"You sure? We know it's not your fault you were dropped on the heads multiple times as a child." Peter piped up, helping Sir Elton John onto the bed along with Sirius where it immediately seated himself upon Sirius's head and proceeded with beating him with his frantic tail.

"Peter, go occupy yourself." Remus ordered in frustration, shooing his dopey little comrade away irritably.

"But-but James is already _occupying_ the shower, according to you." Peter whispered in a slightly embarrassed manner. 

"Not _that_ occupying, just go!" Sirius snapped, demonstrating his dangerously short temper. "You're bugging the hell out of me...and that little _dog_ of yours..." Sirius muttered in a dark voice, slitting his eyes sinisterly at Peter.

"..." Peter's eyes darted back and forth between Sirius, who had made himself _suspiciously_ comfortable lounging atop of Remus's back, and Remus, who was unsuccessfully try to prop himself up on his elbows to face Sirius, but was failing as he was being crumbled by his weight.

"What?" they both asked in unison as a sly yet shy grin appeared on Peter's round, now flushed face.

"If you guys, Er, you know, wanted to be-_um_..." he started to say bashfully.

"What are you going on about?"

"Ahh..."

"Spit it out!"

"Er, if you guys wanted to be alone, you could've just told me." Peter finished quickly, suddenly turning his attention to the window on the opposite side of the room as Remus and Sirius stared at him blankly.

"..."

"..."

"You..._sick_...bastard." Sirius managed to get out, his face set in perturbed expression.

"What?"

"Peter, first of all, Sirius is the only gay one in this room-" Remus started to say logically, pushing Sirius off of his back roughly as Sir Elton John pounced off of Sirius's head and began to burrow under one of the many comforters on Remus' mattress.

"Sheesh! A guy can't even dress up like-" Sirius started to protest in outrage before Remus interrupted.

"A Village People reject?"

"Do I look like Kevin?!" Sirius screeched, immensely annoyed at his friends as he felt a patch of his jeans become moist and slightly warm for a moment, yet he was a bit to livid to notice fully.

Peter and Remus suddenly found the ceiling _very _interesting for the moment as they ignored Sirius's inquiry innocently enough, even whistling to give themselves the cluelessly innocent edge.

"...Just what are you guys trying to say?! Honestly…it's not like I dressed up like _Cher_ like Kevin originally intended me too…"

"...Er, Remus, do you smell that?" Peter asked abruptly, scrunching up his face in disgust as a musty scent floated up to his nose.

"Don't try to change the subject!"

"He's _not. _What the heck is that?" Remus inquired, sniffing his sheets like the true wolf he was.

"I don't smell anything!" Sirius continued on.

"You really don't smell it? It smells like-"

Peter stooped short as Remus threw the top comforter off of his bed and let it tumble to the floor. He searched up and down for the source of the horrible scent until his eyes rested upon the spreading puddle stretching across Sirius's right thigh and down between his...crotch.

"_Sirius!"_

_"_...I really hope that's just _pee_...And I just grossed myself out by saying that...._Eww_...." Peter moaned retreating to his own quarters.

"Sirius! What do I have to do, break out with the newspaper _again_?" Remus said utterly disgusted.

"I'll have you know, I mastered _that _skill! It wasn't even me!"

"Oh really?" Remus asked skeptically, narrowing his eyes at his furiously blushing friend.

"Of course not! It was Sir Elton John!" Sirius spoke out truthfully.

"..._Riighhhttt_..."

"Are you trying to tell me Elton John came to my bed in the middle of the night and took a leak on my bed? Are you serious?"

"Yes! I am Sirius!"

"I told you he was mad, Remus...." Peter hissed in a highly audible whisper in Remus's direction.__

_"Don't you love him madly…?" _ Kevin practically purred out, waltzing through the open doorway and over to the mirror in a misty fashion that suited him oh so well.

"…Is he talking about me?" Sirius hissed in Remus' ear, clearly baffled at the other roommate's sudden appearance.

"Morning, Kevin," Remus greeted cheerfully, blatantly ignoring Sirius' thickness.

"You were gone last night Kevin so we Er…kind of let Remus' kids-" Peter started to confess hesitantly before Remus cut him off testily,

"-very _distant_ relatives." He snapped, throwing a reprimanding glare in Peter's direction.

"-We let them sleep on your bed, hope you don't mind…Except for Elton John, he_ loves_ sleeping with Sirius." Peter finished, watching as Kevin seemingly ignored them and contently brushed his wispy red hair in various directions in the mirror, humming a quaint little tune to himself pleasantly.

"…_You know Remus,"_ Sirius whispered sincerely. 

"What?" Remus responded, obviously annoyed as he tossed his oiled bed sheets to one side for the house-elves to collect later. 

"I really think that was _his_ opium we found that time-" Sirius concluded, jutting his thumb in Kevin's direction.

"-In _your_ trunk? Honestly, do you _listen_ to yourself sometimes?" 

"Kevin, what's up?" Peter inquired tentatively, as he stared on with a quirky expression plastered on his pudgy face.

"_I've got sunshine...on a cloudy day," _Kevin started to explain delicately.

"…Hey, it's snowing…" Peter noted contently, motioning out towards the window.

"_When its cod outside, I've got the month of May…" _

"Peter, Remus, what the heck is your friend going on about? Stop him before your kids star howling-" Sirius commanded bluntly, rolling his eyes and roaming back over to his own bed.

"_I guess you'd say, what can make me feel this way?"_

"We figured it out; it's that opium you Er…_planted_ in my trunk…not that _I_ would know what the effects of opium are…" Sirius interrupted yet again as he flopped onto his own bed, eagerly pursued by Sir Elton John who struggled to clamber up onto the edge of his mattress. 

"_My girl, my girl, my girl…"_

"Oh no," Peter ejected fretfully, "Not another _Evans_." 

"_Talking 'bout my girl…" _Kevin responded vaguely, pointing over to his bed where daily planner which was currently serving as a blanket for one of the three puppies.

"Er…Remus' puppy-son is a boy dog, Kevin…" Peter pointed out dully, a blank expression washing over his features.

"Let's see here…" Remus muttered, logically looking under the dog to read the planner. The whole page marked for the week was in most part blank, save the few times it quoted songs or little footnotes that said rather bemusing things concerning Sirius, though that day, Sunday was decorated with little happy faces, swelling pink hearts and under closer inspection Kevin had scrawled out in his curvy handwriting _'Study' Date with my angelic, alluring, exquisite potions partner…_

"…Remus…?" Peter out hesitantly, shiftily gazing between the day planner and Kevin. 

"What?"

"Aren't _you_ Kevin's potions' partner…?" 

"…The plot thickens." Sirius announced menacingly, rubbing his palms together greedily from behind his drawn bed curtains.

"Do you even know what that phrase means, Sirius?" Remus questioned skeptically. 

"…I think it's pretty obvious to everyone in this room that I _don't_." Sirius responded haughtily in order not to loose face. 

"You dimwit-"

"Who do you mean, Remus? Me or Sirius?" Peter inquired, clearly puzzled.

"Do I _really_ need to specify? Anyway…I switched partners with Kevin who had James who traded Kevin to Sunny for the last slice of pie which ended up being traded to _you_ Peter from Tad who wanted your partner, Lily." Remus explained in a slow, logical pace in attempt not to loose Peter, which he did anyway.

"…_Quest-ce le point_…?" Peter spoke up, demonstrating to Remus one of the two phrases he managed to pick up after living with his French grandmother for years (the other being '_idiot inutile'_)

"…He can learn French, but he can't follow a to-minute sentence." Remus sighed out exasperatedly, slapping a hand to his forehead.

"_Anyone_ can learn Frank-kais (Français), look. I have _un_ _oui-oui_." Sirius announced boastingly, nodding to Remus to encourage any compliments he might've been holding back.

"The point is, Peter," Remus said, ignoring Sirius' comments. "My partner is James, Kevin's partner is Sunny, Tad's partner is Lily, your partner is a half-eaten piece of cake, and Sirius' received an automatic fail for mooning Professor Chester."

"…So…Kevin's got the hots for you?" Peter questioned dully, scratching his tousled hair as he obviously racked his brain for an understanding of the conservation. 

"Dimwit!" Remus concluded, throwing his arms up in the air clearly annoyed.

"Well I just thought-"

"What is with your newly acquired unhealthy obsession with gay relationships?!"

_"'Cause it's been building up inside of him for, oh, I don't know how long…" _Kevin spewed out the tune in an offhand manner as he silently dug through the contents of Remus' makeup drawer. 

"Now, I got _that _meaning." Sirius stated proudly, momentarily forgetting his sulkiness.

"Kevin," Remus said turning his attention to a clearly nervous Kevin who was applying blush tentatively, "I'm surprised in you. You never told us you liked Sunny." Remus commented, slightly bemused.

_"I don't know why but I keep on thinking something's bound to go wrong…"_

"Why, you're a great guy." Remus assured him cheerfully.

"And you're dead sexy." Peter added unabashed, despite the perturbed looks Remus and Sirius were throwing him.

"_Ah_, _Freak out! Le Freak, c'est chic, freak out-" _Kevin started up another tune, his self-esteem steadily increasing.

"-Not _that _sexy. That's _my_ theme song." Sirius interrupted him, placing a steadying hand on his shoulder in order to halt Kevin's spirited gyrations. 

"See? You pull that off better than Sirius; you could get any girl…" Peter stated, slapping Kevin firmly on the back.

"Yeah, now it's just the fact that you can't talk…and the _minor_ issue that you sing the _Beach Boys_, I mean, what kind of _masculine_ image is that supposed to convey?" Sirius inquired derisively.

"And we could really use your help if you get in good with Sunny, Kevin." Remus noted.

"…He said 'get _in_ good'…" Sirius pointed out, chuckling at the childish joke he had made.

"What do you mean Remus?" Peter questioned, in the dark like he usually was.

"Well…Sunny's good friends with _Lily_ and a certain good friend of _ours_ could use a bit of help from inside enemy lines…"

"Sunny, close the drapes, Lil's trying to get rest…" Lynn murmured, sticking her head underneath Lily's pillow to shield her sensitive eyes from the soft sunlight pouring through the window.

"…If you've haven't noticed you're the only one still in bed Lynn." Faye pointed out, ripping the pillow out of Lynn's grasp. _  
  
_

"I doubt Lil will be getting to sleep again any time soon…" Sunny muttered, her face etched with concern as she glanced at Lily who had been splashing her face with cold water for the last hour in attempt to tear her mind from the terrifying dream state.

"Eww…just like the time we watched that-what-ya-call-it- _Brady Bunch_ marathon over her house over the summer…" Faye recalled, shuddering involuntarily for a brief moment.

"All those unearthly_ tight_ pants, who _wouldn't_ get nightmares?" Lynn pondered aloud as she gingerly rubbed the sleep from her eyes. 

"You guys, she's coming out." Sunny announced hastily, motioning over to the open bathroom door where Lily was stepping out finally, padding her damp face with a towel. They watched on in silence as Lily hesitantly shuffled closer, warily eyeing them back.

"…_Don't make any sudden movements…" _Faye warned her friends, through an inconspicuous heart-wrenching smile she was directing at Lily, along with the other two. 

"_Aloha_ Amiga! How was your hour cleansing?" Lynn inquired cheerily, shooting up from the bed so suddenly it startled both Lily and Faye. Lynn was never one to follow instructions, especially from _Faye_, so of _course_ she proceeded to bounce merrily near the edge of the bed, her previous intentions of catching a mid-morning nap long forgotten. 

"…Lynn…?" Lily asked hesitantly after a short while of staring questioningly at Lynn for what seemed like hours.

"_Yes_?" Lynn replied in the sweetest voice she could muster, ignoring the reprimanding glares Faye was shooting her.

"Promise me, if you ever get a spectacular disco/ranch-" 

"-That I'll set a ridiculously high admission fee and allow random children to spend the night with me…?" Lynn guessed randomly, watching Sunny scramble around the room from the corner of her eye. 

"No, not that. We feel you'll already have a criminal record to your name by that time, and you don't need any of _that_ business to add to your record…" Faye muttered derisively.

"No, no, no…I wanted to know if you would keep my ten children hostage and never allow them to darken my hallways as I'll already be stuck with Uncle Sirius." Lily finished blankly.

"…Will do…?" Lynn replied uneasily.

"That's nice. Now…would you mind getting off my bed? You're kind of, you know, putting your ass on my pillow…not a big fan of that…" 

"Okay…just give me a moment…" 

"Hey," Sunny called out, rustling through the junk that managed to pile up under Lynn's bed, "Have any of you seen my guitar? I have to go." She questioned briskly, shoving aside some old chocolate pastry with extreme caution.

"Check under Lynn's bed." Both Lily and Faye replied automatically without looking up to notice she was already searching frantically through the abyss which managed to claim most of everybody's belongings along with a few unidentified thongs that usually went unmentioned sake of the fact that most of them had the initials R.J.L. printed on them…

"I have. All I can find is old food, Lily's homework and thongs…! Not to mention these rather odd looking tubular balloons-" Sunny muttered frustrated, dangling one of the 'odd balloons' in front of her face for closer inspection as Lynn clambered down from Lily's bed and approached her.

"-Don't touch those!" Faye warned, her dark tone succeeding in making the consequences seem fatal. 

"Why?"

"You'll catch some class of R.D." Lily stated in a similar warning tone.

"What's that…?" Sunny questioned, her child-like curiosity getting the best of her as she scooped up another of the limp rubber tubes.

"Remus disease. It's the reason why the poor lad is always out sick. Loving a broad who's not _clean_ has its consequences, you know…" Faye spoke ominously, earning herself a rather obscene gesture from Lynn.

"I'll take those." Lynn said, stealthily wiping the two items from Sunny's hand. 

"Er…Right then. I still need my guitar…"

"Well did you check behind the door?" Lily suggested.

"Or how about in the bathroom?"

"Check the common room."

"Maybe it's in the hall…"

"Or maybe that's it, under that rather suspicious rattling package that twitching owl just dropped through our window half an hour ago." Lynn suggested thoughtfully, stroking her chin as a sign of intellect as the other three eyed her strangely, as if they were about ready to smack her there and now.

"…Well…it's either that or a pet coffin…And since Lily commanded Faye to stop trying to murder Peatree while I slept, I guess it's a guitar." 

"Quitters never prosper." Faye hissed acidly.  

"When did that box get here?" Lily inquired suspiciously in a low voice, getting up from her sitting position on the bed cautiously in order to gain a better view.

"I didn't even see it come in…" Sunny responded softly in an equally hushed tone, taking time to inspect all sides of the parcel which was now shaking violently as strangled yowls leaked from under the strapped down lid.

"Who's it from?" Faye questioned, following the whispering suit.

"Why's it _howling_?" Lynn asked quite frankly startling everybody in the room with her pronounced tone, coming as booming compared to everybody else's. 

"…Why do you _speak_?" Faye questioned, clearly annoyed with Lynn at the moment as Sunny snatched up her guitar cautiously before sweeping past the trio and making her way to the door.

"Sunny, where're you going?"   

"I gotta go guys, sorry. I planned to meet K-_Er_…somebody at breakfast-" Sunny replied hesitantly, shifting her gaze as to make sure she didn't meet anyone's eyes.

"…Sunny…"

"Yes Lily?"

"An unidentified, rattling, screeching parcel appears in our room and all you can think about is meeting some bloke who doesn't even _talk_?" Lily probed on in a state of disbelief towards Sunny's one-track mind.

"Well…"

"I see our worth to you." Lynn commented curtly, in mock hurt, turning away from Sunny.

"Er…"

"Sit _down_." Faye commanded briskly, jerking Sunny down roughly by her long dangling tan ponytail. 

"Why do I have to say, it's addressed to _Lily_!" Sunny whined, struggling against Faye's grasp, not really wanting to be around once that package was opened.

"That's right, and just like all her other mail, _I'll_ open it." Lynn stated firmly, gently tugging the tightly bound ropes off the parcel.

"…You do what to my mail?" 

Lynn chose wisely to ignore Lily at that particular moment as she slowly reached her hand down and quickly flipped open the lid of the package, despite the incriminating scraping sounds that were coming from the box. Faye, Lynn, Lily, and even a previously reluctant Sunny all drew in their breaths sharply in silent anticipation. Slowly they peered down into the shredded remains of the box. Peering back up at them was a hissing ball of pitch dark fur, complete with two blazing scarlet eyes. 

An accumulated gasp swept over the group as they gazed on in a stunned stupor at the odd catlike creature.  Lily silently backed away about two steps, catching the creature's sharp eye.  It recoiled into the corner hissing, keeping its eyes intently fixed on Lily for a moment before letting out a sort of strangled grunting noise while extending its dark, velvety wings.

"…Well then…Now that that's been settled…" Sunny said lightly, getting to her feet slowly before Faye yanked her down by her hair yet again.

"…What is that _beast_?" Faye questioned, her expression fixed on bewilderment and gross fear. 

"It's so…_cute_!" Lynn squealed breathlessly, reaching down to pet the creature before Lily managed to hold her back just in case the thing was willing to spring up and attack.  

"Who sent this thing?!" Faye demanded fretfully, ripping off the envelope stuck sloppily on the side of the dingy box, as if it had been stuck there last minute.

"_To you, you lucky broad, from _Me, _the forever loving lover Sirius Black, I'll probably owl you eventually!" Faye_ read out bluntly before pausing again, "Oh, that's nice." She muttered sarcastically, pulling out a crumbled up piece of parchment from within the envelope. 

The cat-like animal still held his gaze on Lily, churning its wings into a steady, consistent flap until it managed to rise out of the box, hover for a brief moment, and then propelled its way to Lily.

"…Er…Guys…" Lily whispered through a strangled voice, her voice evidently caught in her throat as the creature's mini wings flapped dangerously close to her face, blowing her fiery hair all about in frenzy.

"He's got the nerve!" Faye growled out heatedly as she scanned her eyes briskly through the note.

"What?" Lynn questioned, curious.

"_It's-it's touching my face_…" Lily squeaked out faintly as the winged cat nuzzled her cheek fondly and let out a low purring sound.

"Here," Faye snapped, sniffing huffily as she thrust the note in Lynn's hands roughly, "The jerk doesn't even have the decency to write more than one note! That's the same one he gave _Remus_!" Faye exclaimed outraged.

"Why-why is _Sirius Black_ sending me love notes?!" Lily screeched breathlessly, attempting not to move as the creature circled her head, continuing to purr fondly, its brushy tail directed up and tickling Lily's nose ever so often. 

"Apparently…there's something about Lily." Lynn concluded, slightly amused as she reached out to pet the cat, a grave mistake they realized as the cat, aware of her intentions, fastened itself onto Lily's head, threw back its head and let out a near ear-splitting yowl as if someone were attempting to murder it rather than _touch_ it. 

"Lil, shut it up!" Sunny urged frantically, shutting the door as to not attract any unwanted attention from passerby first-years. 

"Quiet…Er…_Cassidy_…!" Lily commanded meekly, cautious not to have the creature's wrath directed at her. Surprisingly, the cat's screech halted immediately, and it resumed its contented position mulling about in Lily's hair. 

"How can something so _little_ make so _much_ noise?" Lynn questioned astonished, earning derisive glares from the other three who practically towered several inches above her. 

"…What are you guys trying to say?!" Lynn wailed defensively, crossing her arms defiantly as her pale eyes blazed on in their direction. 

"Er…_Cassidy_? As in Butch or David…?" Sunny questioned evidently amused at Lily's choice of name, urgent to change the subject as Lynn was prone to get louder when they touched a subject she was sensitive on, i.e. her _height_ or lack there of.

"Er…most likely Butch; _David_ Cassidy reminds me too much of _Kevin_…" Lily muttered, shuddering involuntarily for a moment, reliving her disturbing dream.

"Ah…I think David Cassidy's cute." Sunny commented in a meek, somewhat shy voice.

"…You would…" Faye mumbled, snatching the note from Lynn, who was still seething in the corner over the comment about her size.

"But the question is," Faye started to say, "Since when does _Sirius_ think the same about _Lily_?"

"I think its something in the water in their dorm…" Sunny suggested, edging towards the door once again only to be stopped by Faye once more.

"Or maybe Potter's stupidity is contagious." 

"I vote for Faye's logic." Lynn piped up.

"I-I really have to go Faye…Please stop ripping out my hair…" Sunny whimpered, peering up at the clock which read 9:30, fifteen minutes into breakfast already.

"He's up to something…" Lynn concluded suspiciously. 

"I know, but there's only one real way to know exactly what he's up to…" Faye said suggestively, grinning maliciously in Sunny's direction.

"Na-uh. Not the thing with the wand-" Sunny replied hastily, shaking her head profusely earning questioning looks from Lily and Lynn. 

"What thing with the-"

"_Nothing_," Faye assured them with an air of finality. "Now…don't you have to meet our _dear _friend Kevin who just _happens_ to be a _good_ friend of our dear _Sirius_?" 

"Er…I don't quite follow…"

"You guys think Lil-_Evans_, got the package?" James inquired for about the millionth (literally) time, stopping Sirius in mid-chew as he ensued glaring at James, clearly disgusted. 

"No, in fact, I think I got Corky so drunk this morning when we were at the pub with my Great-Uncle Sally, he accidentally flew to _Snivellus'_ dorm." Sirius spat out, managing to spray half of the chewed up bacon and fried tomatoes in his mouth over Remus' platter, not to mention Remus.

"…So, wait. That hick with the boom-stick was really your Great-Uncle Sally?" Peter questioned dully, proceeding to shield his own porridge from Sirius.

"…Peter, don't you have a study session with your half eaten piece of cake?" James asked irritably, stabbing at his sausage as he attempted to conceal his flaming cheeks. James could handle being teased by most people, but the problem with Sirius teasing him was he just couldn't bring his self to _hex_ him.

"…Why's it always _me_?" Peter growled bitterly under his breath, attempting to stab his sausage in a way similar to James' "Argh…this sausage is so dry…How come the house-elves never serve mustard with breakfast?" Peter questioned anyone who would listen, i.e. no one. 

"_Mean Mister Mustard sleeps in the park_…_Shaves in the dark trying to save paper_…" Kevin sang with a melodic tune as he distractedly toyed with his fork on the other side of Remus.

"Shouldn't you be fretting over meeting Sunny?" Peter spat bitterly causing Kevin to sigh in a depressed manner before returning his attention to his fork.

"_Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play…Now I need some place to hide away-"_ __

"You can't hide away, we need you to tell us what Evans-" All Sirius had to do was to mention half of Lily's name and he had captivated James, who stared up at him fondly, as if Sirius was Lily himself, waiting for him to finish his sentence.

"What Evans-Er…what um…size…ah…" Sirius continued on blankly, gripping desperately for a good excuse.

"_Knickers_!" Peter exclaimed uselessly, attracting some attention from some second years whose whole world seemed to revolve around dirty language and dirty things in general. Peter, blushed violently before turning to Remus, hoping he at least had a way to delude James whose attention was fully theirs after Peter's lewd comment.

"What Peter here meant to say was-" Remus started, looking imploringly to Sirius on the other side of the table.

"-Yes, knickers. You know, we wanted to know the basics, what size, what color, cotton or silk…all that good stuff." Sirius finished up hastily, turning back to his plate.

"…"

"…Oh. Well, if you wanted to know, size 4 ½, sometimes 5, she usually wears pastels though in my opinion white flatters her figure the most, and she mainly wears cotton though she won't pass up a silk thong." James replied nonchalantly returning to his meal, as if they were discussing something as common as Quidditch scores or homework.

"Well then…that settles it…"

"There they are!" Lynn hissed in a poor whisper, audible to half of the table as she pointed down towards the five boys down the table whispering in little groups among each other.

"Now what Narc business do you want me to do?" Sunny questioned, resting her eyes intently on Kevin who seemed to be singing quite a melancholy song to Peter at the moment.

"It's not Narc business! I-_We _just want to know why Sirius' gotten such a new interest in Lily…Lily move the thingy please." Faye added offhandedly, brushing Cassidy from his hovering position over her head.

"His name is Cassidy. Call him like you would a civilized being please." Lily asked curtly, as she had taken a liking to the little odd creature that had taken to her so well.

"A civilized being doesn't breathe fire."  Lynn muttered, going unnoticed by Faye and Sunny who were carrying their own conversation.

"But…you just said Kevin doesn't talk. How will he be able to-?" 

"Don't pull that with me, I know you can understand him!" 

"Yeah, and I know that you know that she knows that you know that you can understand him, got it?" Lynn added.

"…What?" Sunny questioned, obviously puzzled. 

"Just go!" all three urged exasperatedly, giving her a not-so-light shove on the back towards James' group.

"Hi Kevin," Sunny greeted meekly, approaching the boys from behind, grinning lightly as all five of them turned to her.

"Erm…Hi Sunny." Remus choked out a greeting, nodding and silently hoping James wouldn't mention their previous conversation over Lily's _unmentionables_.

"Hi Remus." Sunny greeted in response, waving a hand in his direction.

"Hi Sunny," Sirius echoed Remus, eyeing James shiftily.

"Er…Sirius…hi" Sunny responded, shooting him questioning glares from the corner of her eyes.

"Sunny-" Peter began to say before Remus clamped his hand over his mouth suddenly, preventing him from speaking.

"She's said hi already, you've missed your turn."

"Kevin," Sunny began to say, watching Kevin pluck a few stray chords on her guitar, clearly amused with the other object that seemed to be annoying Sirius with music as much as he did. 

"How sweet, they're making sweet music together before our eyes," Sirius commented sardonically earning himself quite a painful nudge from Remus.

"Maybe we should go…somewhere else-"

"-Somewhere quiet-" Remus suggested.

"-Somewhere private-" James added, sending Sunny a lewd grin.

"-Somewhere where no one can here you scream…" Sirius added darkly, gaining puzzled stares from his company.

"Okay…that came out _wrong_…"

"As I was saying, let's go somewhere private…you know…to…work on our potions project…" Sunny finished, returning her gaze to Kevin.

"That reminds me…what ever happened to my partner…?" Peter questioned aloud.

"You ate it." James replied bluntly, shaking his head at how ridiculous it all sounded.

"-So you wanna go?"

"_You say yes-_I say yes_-I say no-_But I may mean no_-You say stop-_I can stay_-And I say go, go, go-_till it's time to go_…" _Kevin sang out, rising shakily from his seat.

"…That's the straightest answer you're gonna get. My advice is you take that and run with it." Sirius said after a while, stuffing his overflowing mouth with the remains of Peter's porridge.

"Great." Sunny said breathlessly, taking a vibrantly blushing Kevin by the arm and urging him out of the buzzing great hall.

James watched the pair flee the great hall with a dreamy grin plastered on his face as he turned to Sirius, Remus and Peter. 

"Ah…look at those two…probably scurrying off to Remus' bed where they will-"

"-Why _my_ bed?" Remus questioned, feeling perturbed as he dropped his fork into his empty plate. 

"Anyway," James continued sighing and shaking any stray thoughts from his mind, "That's gonna be me and Evans one day."

"No, don't change the subject, why _my_ bed?"

"You know," Sirius began, tossing his napkin to one side, rising up from his seat, "Maybe I should go after them…you know, to make sure they don't pop any springs out of Remus' mattress, you know he's got sensitive skin." 

"Why my mattress?!" Remus demanded, throwing his fork down and demanding an answer.

"Lily," Lynn whispered breathlessly as she watched Kevin and Sunny leave the great hall.

"Lynn," Lily responded in a mock tone which was supposed to duplicate Lynn's overly excited one.

"Faye," Lynn said, turning to find someone that would share her excitement. 

"Lynn," she responded bluntly, still glowering in Sirius' direction.

"…Cassidy-"

"Lynn, say what you've got to say and shut up." Faye stated frankly, not really in the mood to put up with Lynn's crap.

"I wanna see what's going on," Lynn said huffily, getting up from her seat, "I'll be back soon-"

"Take your time." Lily and Faye replied in unison, their attention solely on James Potter, who happened to be swaggering towards them with a cocky grin dazzling his face.

Lily attempted to ignore James Potter, as she always did, even though he always managed to break through her barriers and land him self with broken limb. Though Faye on the other hand had managed to shake herself out of her sulky mood and send James a beaming smirk.

"…Alright there Evans? Faye?" James squeaked uneasily, trying to keep a grin plastered on his face for the time being.

"Oh sod _off_/Top of the morning, my _favoritest_ cousin…" Lily and Faye responded in unison, Lily determined to avoid his eyes and keep herself focused on Cassidy, who had know taken to shredding tablecloth, and Faye, who continued to bean up at James, speaking in such a silky voice you could tell she wanted something.

_"Cousin_?" Lily hissed into Faye's ear, questioning her address to James.

"Lil, most 'purebloods' are all related; why some of them are so inbred they can hardly walk straight…" Faye responded logically, causing Lily to cast a highly suspicious look over to Severus Snape who was proceeding to hobble his way out of the Great Hall at that instant.

"You…uh…care for a stroll by the-"

"I'm allergic to strolls." Lily snapped blandly, unconsciously coddling Cassidy closer to her body, despite the hissy protests.

"Well…what about a trip-" James tried again, refusing to give up that easily.

"Those give me hives." Lily replied indifferently.

"A walk-?" 

"Those give her prostate cancer." Faye took the liberty of responding for Lily.

"Well that's it," James sighed heavily, throwing his arms up in the air exasperatedly, "There's no pleasing you; I'm not gonna stand here and get down on my bloody knees and beg you all morning to spend some _quality_ time with me like we did last night!" James hollered bitterly, causing the constant banter of the Great Hall to cease and everybody to stare questioningly about the trio and exactly _what_ they did last night. 

"…Oops…"

"I can't believe their_ actually_ in the potions class. Does Kevin have _no _skill?" Sirius muttered to himself, feeling self shame for not having taught Kevin better as he peered into the murky stained glass of the potions dungeon, waiting for something interesting to happen though the only thing that seemed to be going on was a struggle over who gets the guitar first and earlier Kevin had insisted that he take tips on how to style his hair…

"Maybe he _wasn't _kidding…" Sirius pondered aloud, reminiscing on the previous events when Kevin had been doing the bump with him while he sang village people songs.

"Kidding about what?" Lynn questioned breathlessly, seemingly popping up out of nowhere, apparently not fully aware of whom she was speaking to. 

"Well it was just a thought when I saw him using your boyfriend's makeup…" Sirius replied nonchalantly, then immediately swiveling his head around upon realization of who he was speaking to. 

"_Eep__!" both Lynn and Sirius squealed, startled with the sight of each other._

"Midget!" Sirius hissed to her, trying to block the window.

"Scandalous Man Whore!" Lynn replied, attempting to sound pleasantly surprised but only succeeding in sounding like she was due to be sick any moment now.

"Er…What are you doing here…?" they both questioned the other suspiciously, Lynn trying to peer through the window as Sirius eyed her warily.

"I was just…" they both started to reply at the same time.

"Look, Lynn began, sighing heavily, "We're both mature people-well, I'm a mature person, you're a mature doggie, right?"

"Wrong," Sirius stated blandly, though Lynn was ignoring her.

"-And we both should cut this rivalry stuff out, right?"

"Wrong."

"So from now on you're gonna keep your head stuck contently up your arse and behave yourself, right?"

"Wrong," 

"Perfect," Lynn responded breathlessly, shoving Sirius aside as to get a good spot at the window.

"-_Hey_!" Sirius grunted, fighting for his own position at the peeping window, struggling for a content position, finally resulting in Lynn being pushed up in front of him as he rested his arms atop her head.

"Quiet, I can read lips!" Lynn hissed, struggling to get from under the weight of Sirius' heavily muscled arms. 

"Then…why do I need to be quiet…? It looks like they're_ singing anyway…" Sirius mumbled, shifting more of his upper body weight on Lynn's mussed up head as he peered closer into the room. Both of their cauldrons were flung to the corner of a main desk, forgotten and the pair were cuddled close in the corner, as Sunny attempted to strap her guitar onto Kevin, o looked as if he was about to pass out at any given moment. _

"That's what they _want_ you to think…" 

"_Kevin doesn't think, so why would he want _me_ to think-?"_

"_Quiet-There talking about-about Er…Flying by some yank with a pie…" Lynn noted, gazing intently through the window to Kevin who had now diminished enough of his nervousness to strum on the guitar and sing._

"…What?"

"Hush! Then…he says he drove a Chevy to the levy-"

"What's a levy-?" 

"Doesn't matter-it was dry, and now I think he's talking about you guys…he says the good old boys drinking…whiskey and…rye…? By any chance have you said 'this will be the day that I die' lately?"  
  


"…Didn't he say he wasn't going to get on his knees and beg…?" Peter inquired Remus, his breakfast clearly forgotten as he stared on at James' ridiculous display of groveling for Evans.

"Seems that she's just ignoring him…"

"It's cause she hates-"

"Everything that is the essence of James-"

"…I was gonna say his hair."

"Poor James…we have to help him…this is just pathetic…more pathetic then his Monday display…"

"Maybe Lily would like him if we gave him a makeover-You know, changed his hair around a bit…"

"Maybe his personality-"

"We'd change him into the perfect guy!"

"…Complete with perfect hair…"

"Well then," Remus started sincerely as he thrust his self up on his feet, "you know what we've gotta do, right?"

"…Hide our faces in books so we can pretend we don't know him as we shimmy our way out the Great Hall…?"

"…Well…Yes but…Let's go, we haven't got a moment to waste…"

"Great…let's go. It's time to reassemble the _league_."

"Lil, please, don't do this to me…" James moaned as he waddled about on the floor amidst all the ridicule and harsh cackling arising in the hall.

"Er…Jamie…cousin…buddy?" Faye called out meekly, tapping the crumpled heap that was James with her foot gingerly.

"What?" James asked, annoyed to be interrupted from his dramatic display.

"Lily left the Great Hall fifteen minutes ago; that's Cassidy's paw you're kissing, not her foot." Faye responded bluntly, motioning to the cat which had taken to spitting fire down in James' already singed hair.

"…No wonder…I thought she needed a shave…"

"If you really wanna get some alone time with Lily," Faye bent down close to him and spoke in hushed tones, "Do my transfiguration homework for a week-"

"Done."

"-A month-"

"Done."

"A year-"

"Done, damn you, tell me!" James demanded, shaking her roughly by the hem of her robes.

"…I think their planning on…living in a yellow submarine…Oh wait, Kevin already says he lives in a yellow submarine, now he just keeps repeating it…In fact, he says they all live in a yellow submarine."

"A yellow submarine?" Sirius inquired dully, taking time to rest his weary head atop of Lynn's head, which was turning out to be a rather good table.

"A yellow submarine…" Lynn confirmed, nodding her head.

"_…Lynn…?" an high pitched voice called from behind, startling both Lynn and Sirius who immediately jumped up, swiveled around on their heels, and stared back at the person like deer caught in the headlights._

"We weren't doing anything!" They both confessed guiltily, throwing their arms up in the air.

"Er…Lynn? You and…Black?" Lily questioned yet again, questioning their previous _overly_ cozy position at the window, Sirius being all _over _Lynn…

"Lily!" Lynn shouted, scandalized at the sudden acquisition.

"Lynn," Lily replied, looking a tad bit ill…

"Evans!" Sirius replied, laughing at the ludicrousness of the mere idea of him and Lynn ever…it was just to ridiculous to think about.

"Black,"

"…Wait, wait, wait…Why does this happen every time I'm around?!" Sirius hollered fiercely, gaining the attention of the couple in the room, who got to their feet and curiously stuck his head out the door.

The five just stood there, frozen in their positions for the moment, staring shiftily at each other, basking in the uncomfortable silence.

"Er…hello…I'll just be…" Sirius stuttered, yanking Kevin by the arm, nudging Lily out of his way and dashing up the nearest flight of stairs with his protesting comrade still in the midst of singing old Beatles songs.

"S_omething in way she moves…Attracts me like no other lover…Something in the way she woos me… don't want to leave her now…"  Kevin continued to moan on dreamily, despite the rough way Sirius was dragging him up the stairs to the boys' dormitories._

"Kevin…please…don't speak…I don't understand a word you're saying…" Sirius muttered for the umpteenth time through gritted teeth as he threw open the front door, and threw Kevin into the room, startling both Peter and Remus.

"Sirius, what happened-" Remus questioned breathlessly, his expression radiating his anxiousness.

"Kevin told her we lived on a yellow submarine!" Sirius exclaimed, clearly ticked off.

"…A yellow submarine…?"

"A yellow submarine!" Sirius confirmed, throwing up his arms disgusted at Kevin's uselessness.

"Well…no bother then…" Remus said dismissively, waving off the whole Kevin situation as f it were no big deal, earning a deranged and irritated grunting noise from Sirius' direction.

"No big-no big deal?! This means-we're-stuck-with-James!" Sirius announced bitterly, shaking delicate Remus by his front robes though he went unabashed by the whole roughing up.

"…Not with _this_ James…" Peter muttered, a smirk lightening his face.

"What are you going on about…?" Sirius inquired, lost and in the dark.

"We'll have the new, improved James…"

"…Thanks to…the league…" 

"_League?_ What _league_?" 

"Elvis," Remus named, ticking off one finger.

"It's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane…" Sirius mumbled, clearly not impressed at what the rock star had to offer.

"Bambi," Peter named another member of this league of theirs.

"James' already has that part down…" Sirius muttered.

"Wally Cleaver," Remus responded yet again, apparently going down a list.

"The dork with the hair…?"

"No, the one with the best friend like you." Remus responded offhandedly.

"Brad Majors," Peters said, getting excited at the mention of his favorite musical (Even though he had no clue the main 'villain' was really a _man_)

"John Travolta,"

"Ebenezer Scrooge," Peter spoke up yet again, earning odd looks from the other three in the room, and then explaining meekly, "Girls like money."

"Ricky from _I Love Lucy_," Remus continued, ignoring Peter.

"…The babaloo guy? Oh no, his hair's so greasy we'd be able to auction James off to the house-elves so they could fry eggs on him…"

"Benji the Dog!"

"That mutt's got nothing on _me_…" Sirius announced, crossing his arms smugly across his chest.

"Kojak," 

"-_You're beautiful baby_…" Peter said, doing his best impression of Kojak, which wasn't very good at all, but if you gave him a sucker it may have passed as _decent_…

"And Jeanie, form _I Dream of Jeanie_…" Remus finished proudly, "We give you…"

"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen." Peter completed Remus' sentence before adding an afterthought, "Yes, we know Jeanie isn't really a gentlemen but…who cares…"

**AN- …Don't look at me that way…you had to _know_ this was coming…You didn't? _Really_? Hmm…I did…Anyway…maybe I'll update before next year, I'm on a binge writing spree and I don't know who I'll hit! REVIEW! _Merci mes amis_! **


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